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Elderly parents
Original poster

My mother is refusing another service worker

55 replies

XmasStag · 03/12/2023 22:54

I had an issue a few weeks ago with my mother where there was a leak at home and she was ignoring it. I booked a plumber and I was going to pay but she ordered me to cancel him. It was so odd. It wasn't an issue of money and being worried about paying, I was going to pay. I think it was anxiety that a man is coming into the house. It is so odd. She's behaving as if service people are going to come in and rape her. She was never attacked like this before in her life nor were any of her sisters. It's just so weird.

Anyways there's no heating and I want to make fires in the open fire but she's paranoia about the chimney and in all fairness it's been a few years since it was cleaned so it will need to be cleaned. I searched online for a chimney sweeper. I had a chimney sweeper a few years ago but she has a general distrust on everyone and she never took to him. So I went to find someone else and she's ordering me to cancel him. It is so weird and she's being nasty.

I was trying to do a nice and good thing for use both so that we can heat up the home a bit and try and have a cosy Christmas.

She is saying because of the chimney sweepers location it's too far to bring him out to where we are but when I contacted him I told him of our location and he was happy to give me a quote and a date. His website states he services the county throughout too. But she's saying it's not fair to bring him out and she will find someone else closer. I caught her out on a few lies already this year and she hasn't a notion of finding anyone else closer and I already searched online and there is no local chimney sweeper.

Do I cancel him or ignore her and continue on with his booking?

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kalokagathos · 04/12/2023 17:59

Sounds like dementia. My aunt and my father in love presented exactly like that

blacksax · 04/12/2023 17:55

all my siblings live abroad

I'm not surprised they've chosen to live far away from her, and I think you should too. I remember a previous thread of yours. You're never going to change her, and there's no point in trying.

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 17:41

Ok, thank you. That makes sense. It's a sibling coming home from abroad. I am really hoping he's going to pick up on the issues that I am seeing at home with her. There is stuff that is just not right with her.

I suspect her focus will be on him for the Christmas while she shouts at me but as I understand it I think that will be showtime and a responsive reaction to being out of her routine.

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HalebiHabibti · 04/12/2023 17:36

Who are your visitors OP? I wouldn't cancel anything; it may be tempting but would mean they'd focus on you seeming petty rather than your mother's problems.

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 17:28

I have a good mind to cancel the turkey and everything else too. We are due visitors next week and I have a good mind to take a step back, do nothing and just let them see what's happening. She has little organising abilities now any more and there's two rooms turned into a mess even though I had them clean in the summer time.

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Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 17:26

countrygirl99 · 04/12/2023 15:10

@rwalker has a good idea. DH often gets warnings where the customer is elderly and one of their children are organising the sweep.

He said he will be with me for 9am and to be honest they won't cross paths because she will likely be in bed or only just getting up. Her room first thing in the morning is the kitchen. She won't be in the sitting room. I can meet him outside and bring him into the sitting room so they won't cross paths or they shouldn't.

It's so much more harder and complicated when really it should be so hard.

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 04/12/2023 15:10

@rwalker has a good idea. DH often gets warnings where the customer is elderly and one of their children are organising the sweep.

rwalker · 04/12/2023 14:16

Text the sweep and give him the heads up no great detail just say you think she’s early on set dementia
and you’ll be there at all times to deal

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 13:20

plumtreebroke · 04/12/2023 13:02

You could also say since he's booked several appointments out this way he's still going to want paying if you cancel because he's priced it on having a few jobs to do. (Assuming she's not going to talk to him and complain about not being able to cancel)

Oh thanks fantastic. I never thought of that. She would absolutely buy that.

He said 9am. She's going to be in bed and there's no way she will be talking to him.

Thank you so much and to everyone here for helping me.

I think chimney sweepers now days have newer type of tools and equipment and they have what looks like a vacuum cleaner to stick up the chimney.

I think my mother is looking for some sort of an older style cleaner to go on the roof but that's going to be very unlikely to be honest. She didn't say that to me. The last chimney clean was in 2018 and she didn't like him or the equipment even though he was a lovely man by the way.

Also when I had a plumber a few weeks ago he was about 45 minutes doing a job for me and my mother refused to leave the room and she stayed just to hear the transaction between me and him and it was 200 pounds and she hated that and all she did was critise his work, his time and his charge not to him but to me.

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plumtreebroke · 04/12/2023 13:02

You could also say since he's booked several appointments out this way he's still going to want paying if you cancel because he's priced it on having a few jobs to do. (Assuming she's not going to talk to him and complain about not being able to cancel)

Seas164 · 04/12/2023 12:43

It does sound like the beginnings of dementia, you can't approach this rationally and try and reason with her, no she's not being reasonable and you won't be able to change the situation by telling her that. Remember that she's operating from a place of fear and as hard as that is for you, she's not doing it to you, or on pupose.

Look into dementia and get some local support if you can, you can only do what you're able to do for her, be prepared for things to get worse before potentially resolving to a more stable situation.

steppemum · 04/12/2023 12:41

OP, reading your posts, your frustration comes through clearly. But what I also see is that you are trying to explain/encourage her through normal logic.

When you are mentally ill, whatever is causing it, (there is definitely something going on for her to be so paranoid), then logic no longer makes sense.

can I suggest that you stop trying to make her understand or explain to her, and instead find ways of making it happen in a way that she will accept. Like the PP who said in future just have your 'friend' dave turn up and help you out with the chimney.
It is really hard to make that shift, to accept that a loved one no longer has mental capacity, that you need to switch to treating them according to their mental capacity.

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 12:36

Midwinter91 · 04/12/2023 12:26

Could you find any female service people?

No, I am not able to find any female plumber or chimney cleaned and to be honest I don't think the sex of the worker would help in any way. She has a poor tone about me her daughter and although the words were never said to me, really she is sexist prefering men over women. She just believes that there's no place for a woman aside from caring for a man and men should be worshipped and cared for. A female service worker would be worse in her eyes because she would view them as useless and good for nothing.

OP posts:
Midwinter91 · 04/12/2023 12:26

Could you find any female service people?

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 12:25

TomatoSandwiches · 04/12/2023 12:21

Do you pay rent to her currently op?

She's not a landlord

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Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 12:23

Wonderwool · 04/12/2023 12:20

Tell her has a few jobs in the area and has grouped them intentionally. He's going to be in the area whether you cancel or not so he might as well come.

That's what I hope to tell her anyways. But it will be after work. I'm fucking dreading it. I really feel sick in my stomach from the stress of it all. It shouldn't be this hard. So she will likely ask me after work if I made contact with him and I will tell her I rang him and he said he's going to be in the village anyways because he has other work to do here anyways. All it will do is just anger her and leave her anxious going to bed.

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TomatoSandwiches · 04/12/2023 12:21

Do you pay rent to her currently op?

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 12:20

To be honest, she was always somewhat neglect of the home and she always relied on her ex husband. She always went to him whenever there was a problem. Just so she can get repairs done for free and then curse him out of it being his back. Anyways that's not an option anymore because he's getting older and he's an alcoholic and it's not fair asking him.

So getting service or repair people in would be relatively new by me within the past 5 or 6 years.

I remember back in 2019, she ignored a leak long enough in the bathroom and she didn't want to get any plumber from the pages she wanted a recommendation. I got a plumber and I talked to her and she gave me the go ahead to book him. When he was done and gone, she was overly critical of all of his work.

Looking back and I never realised at the time that it was old age nonsense and likely has something to do with what I am observing and supecting today.

The paranoia would be new-ish behaviour. She's like a scared cat when my boyfriend comes over. I think maybe she hears his car and thinks it's her ex husband home maybe and then she gets anxious because of her history with him. He was abusive when they were married. Maybe that is an older memory that is being resurfaced and relived or something. I don't know.

i know with dementia, the new memorys is the first to go and but old stuff can still remain.

There was an issue a few weeks ago where my mother wanted my father to repair something and she was talking as if he was the man all them years ago and got as a fiddle but he quite simply wouldn't have the dexority to do what she was asking him to do and I had to manage that by continuing with the plumber and cancelling my father. It was only the death of a neighbour who took the heat of the morning when the plumber came.

My boyfriend never behaved in the way my father did and he never ever came to me drunk.

OP posts:
Wonderwool · 04/12/2023 12:20

Tell her has a few jobs in the area and has grouped them intentionally. He's going to be in the area whether you cancel or not so he might as well come.

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 12:10

I won't be able to do this long term either. As in to take over the maintainence of the property and pump my own money into this because I know what her wishes are and she wants to will the place to one of my brothers who all live abroad. It doesn't make sense to put my own money into someone else's asset.

For now I do t have anywhere else to go and to rent.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 04/12/2023 12:10

I would suddenly realise as the doorbell goes that you forgot to send the email. And having dragged him out all this way, you can’t possibly turn him away.

My father used to have paranoid delusions. I was all set to fix up a care alarm when I had a distressed phone call from him that I was not to let anyone fix anything to his phone system else they’d discover it was illegal and he’d spend Christmas in prison. You can’t logic them out of it - if you try to explain there isn’t a problem, it’s just that you haven’t fully understood it. So you have to find a way round that deals with their fears. Put things in place to guard against non-existent dangers.

Toddlerteaplease · 04/12/2023 12:04

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 03/12/2023 23:03

She might actually be unwell. If she is suspicious she could well becoming mentally unwell.

This was my first thought. Particularly if this is unusual behaviour.

funnelfan · 04/12/2023 12:02

I get how frustrating this is, but for the sake of your own mental health you need to find a different way of handling this long term. It sounds like your mums has concerns/fears that are real to her, and no amount of logic from you is going to address those fears.

As previous posters have said, you need to come to her level and really try and listen to what she’s trying to say. House maintenance is non-negotiable, so you need a way forward. But I’d say deception, fake friends and pretending you’ve texted etc aren’t really sustainable solutions. I’d just not tell her anything about any arrangements until the trades-person is virtually at your door and then she won’t have time to get anxious.

ExpressionSession · 04/12/2023 11:58

XmasStag · 04/12/2023 11:46

It's her safe place

He's not going to be walking into her room or the kitchen. He will be cleaning the chimney. I hope he will inspect the chimney too and see if it's safe to use because it's an old house.

None of it makes sense.

I doubt it is in any way rational @XmasStag she is responding directly from her anxiety.

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 11:46

It's her safe place

He's not going to be walking into her room or the kitchen. He will be cleaning the chimney. I hope he will inspect the chimney too and see if it's safe to use because it's an old house.

None of it makes sense.

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