Living in own home

Dad is giving their ladies money. He felt that would be more appreciated than a generic gift as they all have young families and struggle making ends meet so at least they can spend it on what they want or need. I expect he will give them £20 each. Theirs are council provided carers not private.

Can I change topic slightly please for a moment and ask those with private carers what is the norm/expected/acceptable re Christmas bonus / gift for carers?

I used to work part time as a private carer and usually received about one third of my weekly wage and a card. I would have been happy with the card, it really was the thought that count.
When I worked for the local council seeing many service users a day sometimes I would receive a nice toiletry set for example from
M&S and once again I was very touched by this.

really positive to hear that from @Christmasss and @LarkRize

Can I change topic slightly please for a moment and ask those with private carers what is the norm/expected/acceptable re Christmas bonus / gift for carers?

I have no idea but of course would like to make sure they are happy with what they receive. My father is in their hands...!!

Why is everyone expected to run themselves ragged so this DM can stay in her own home ? Nursing homes are better than when my DGM was in one and they all just sat round the edge of the room and stared into space.

To add to the list of pros and cons, my DM moved to supported living about 18 mths ago. Initially she was resistant but she too has thrived and is now trying to get as many of her friends as possible to join her there.
She has a much more active social life, despite her health having declined quite a bit - if she were still in her old home she would be very isolated as her mobility is poor. In fact she can now still meet multiple people daily and do lots of activities because they are on her doorstep. She is busy, her calendar is full and the staff provide incredible but very discreet support.
So for instance if she is not feeling well she can have lunch brought to her room, if she needs extra help it is added no questions asked but she is left to be independent if she prefers.
I am sure it has kept her out of hospital - she had to go in a few months ago but was only there for a night because it was safe to discharge her back to her supported flat. No way would she have been able to go home to anywhere else,
It’s a godsend for me as well of course and having seen it up close I really think that community living like this has to be a great way forward as the population gets older. It’s much freer than a care home for those who are frail but compos mantis and gives so many more opportunities for improving quality of life than simply “living at home”.

Christmas’s. Lovely to hear how happy your mum is, and such a relief for you to know she’s safe and cared for. I’m hoping I will be able to say this, although I think it’ll be a struggle for my mum as she’s never accepted her disability, and still can’t understand why her bp is up and down like a yo yo.
When we tell her it’s her age she becomes angry. All very difficult she still has the will and wants to get better.

Thank you, I’ve been through similar with my DM. She never knew she had dementia, we had years of her thinking everyone was against her, barricading her front door so the carers couldn’t get in, only allowing me to help because I wasn’t ‘helping’ but my DM convinced herself that for some reason I enjoyed cleaning her home and trying to get her to eat/wash//deal with social workers/GP’s/her finances/bills etc and not have a life of my own.
Now it’s a completely different story, she is on a real cocktail of medication (which she doesn’t know she’s taking), so this and the lovely and regular care she is receiving at the nursing home seems to be doing the trick.
She had four months in a psychiatric hospital before going to the nursing home and this institutionalised her in a good way. She started to accept her meals were made for her, to wait for someone to take her from her room to the lounge etc. She was never going to accept any care in her own home.

Christmas’s. Lovely to hear how happy your mum is, and such a relief for you to know she’s safe and cared for. I’m hoping I will be able to say this, although I think it’ll be a struggle for my mum as she’s never accepted her disability, and still can’t understand why her bp is up and down like a yo yo.
When we tell her it’s her age she becomes angry. All very difficult she still has the will and wants to get better.

I wonder if I should start a very objective thread about pros and cons of care home vs at home. Or resurrect an old one if one exists.
Maybe it's been done to death (no pun intended!) or maybe everyone's circumstances are so specific to them that it wouldn't help.
This is my two pennies worth, my DM has dementia, she was sectioned last year and has been in a lovely nursing home almost a year. She is very happy, it’s a joy to see her in a warm cosy stimulating environment.
I can’t compare her life now with when she was living in her old home. She tells me she loves it where she is although doesn’t know where she is or why she lives there. She enjoys time in her room and in the communal areas.

Worth using attendance allowance for a cleaner. It’s one more person to keep an eye out.

Hi thanks for the info but mum already had carers 4 times a day. It was a source of frustration for her as they really didn’t do very much, but they were there just to check on her really She wanted them to clean, but of course they won’t do any, she was always angry with them.
Mum knows at the moment she couldn’t cope, but we’ll have to see how she gets on.

SeriouslyAgain. Thank you. She really is very feisty ! That’s part of the problem 🤪 that and being stubborn. She’ll try her best to prove us wrong, of course I want her to get stronger and enjoy life, but I can see if she’s not able to go home she’s going to be one very miserable lady.

 I’ve been wanting a care home for mum for the past four years, now she’s in there all I’m going is worrying about her coming out. Can’t win  🤦‍♀️

and why oh why did I not check my pockets for tissues before turning the washing machine on, especially as I had a cold last week...

@SeriouslyAgain that made me actally laugh... shall I ltb too while I'm at it?!

Hi I’d love to talk about care home v carers. My mum just had seven week in hospital, taken in with confusion and high bp.
Mum went to a care home on Monday and hates it,all she says is I won’t be here long !
It’s definitely where she needs to be at the moment, she’s 92, but i am expecting her to rally she always has done before,and she’s very strong willed. It’s worrying me and I can’t relax. She’s local authority funded, on a temporary basis. As I understand it the rent will be paid, for her flat for up to a year, then a decision has to be made, if she becomes permanent or not.

Thank you... that's a good idea, a 'carer card'. I've just recently sorted out myself having one. The banks don't make these things easy.

The carers we have atm are private. 2 were recommended through a family member, and 2 more I met today also recommended, by a friend, so we should have a team of 4 set up pretty soon which hopefully will help.

I think it has been harder this week because the main, first carer, has had to handover to new carers, and so they have needed things explaining again, and it all takes so long.. Dad can be fussy, and also rude in a way that old people are and I find it quite hard. For example, if he wants something done, or passed to him, he'll just point at it and motion, or beckon me or something, and doesn't use please and thank you much!

He does however, say thank you as I leave, and I hear him on the phone telling people how marvellous I'm being, so I do at least feel appreciated in his heart which is nice.

It is such a steep uphill learning curve.

I chatted on the phone to a friend this week and she was actually quite offhand with me and said she thinks I've got away lightly so far and she has several friends who are carers themselves 24/7 and can't ever get a break and that I'm very lucky. I was quite taken aback, especially as she does nothing for her elderly parents who have live in care and she complains to me that she won't help them as they did nothing for her when her kids were babies. But a cheek to tell me I have had it light so far and not to complain. I wasn't complaining in seriousness, just like we do here.. light relief / banter / support about it.. x

it is just an ongoing debate really I guess. and also, it must often be taken out of our hands. ie, it happens suddenly out of necessity, or it happens in advance of being needed. But anywhere in the middle it becomes vague and a battle of wills.

Anyway... in the meantime, advice please re carers. We now have 3 or 4, working 24/7 and I'm just sorting out the schedules.

But, the constant whatsapps take soooo much time! Constant telling me eg 'run out of tea leaves', (so tell Dad and he orders from Amazon). Need more washing powder (so pop to the shops when you pop out, and buy it).... or asking again and again where spare sheets are, etc. It takes so much time just responding. I'm not really clear on exactly their role vs mine, especially re making his dinner etc.

Any tips and advice on managing the carers would be very welcome. It wasn't what I imagine to be a normal recruitment process because it has evolved from housekeeping to caring hence my lack of clarity etc.

Thank you! :)

See, I've always thought the set up with 3 or 4x carers a day had the massive disadvantage of still needing somebody to be in charge of overseeing it, paying bills, house maintenance, anything out of the ordinary (who washes out of season duvets, de-scales the kettle etc?), shopping, collecting prescriptions etc etc. And even with that set up the person could still be on their own and very isolated for more than 20 hours a day.

Trouble is, it's so subjective. I tend to think care home is better but that's because my elderly relatives were mostly at a distance, stressed out, frightened and struggling to maintain house/garden, victim of scams, very few visitors as friends had died and v few relatives so extremely isolated at home, reliant on freezer meals and hospital volunteer transport.

Whereas at the type of home where you can join a few activities with like-minded people, have people to talk to at mealtimes if you want, almost everything is provided so no need to worry about it. That gave them a new lease of life. But not all homes are like that - some they just seem to sit without moving with the TV blaring all day. Or have the enforced jollity going on.

And someone who is frail but lives somewhere manageable surrounded by friends and relatives in nearby streets could well be better off at home!