I'm so pissed off with my sister! Perspective needed.

We have joint POA can I get mum even private respite without sister agreeing?

It depends on what it says in the POA. For my mum, my brother and I were able to take decisions without consulting each other (we never did, but could have).

You need to put your mum into a home. - she's not a parcel or a dog to be "put" into kennels!

As long as she has mental capacity the choice of whether to go into a home is hers and hers alone. You can be deemed to have capacity even when suffering from dementia. It depends upon the stage of the illness.

The OP is trying to do her best, but it is a big challenge and she needs the help of her sister and of local services.

The situation needs spelling out to the sister in words of one syllable. And proper help needs to be sought from the LA. There also needs to be proper financial arrangements in place and a power of attorney, if mother is well enough to agree to this.

I used to be a SW with the elderly and this situation where one sibling gets to do all the work and the other is calling the shots is so common.

Contact social services and have your mother assessed. Tell them you are at your limit. Give mother your sisters number too

Your sister can only do this because you allow her to

Sounds like sister wants mum kept at home so she can benefit from the house , unfortunately if your mum needs to go into a home the house will have to be sold.

I think you are pissed off because your sister is basically being disrespectful.

Her attitude is this: I have an important job and important friends and important hobby. Nothing may disturb my finely balanced lifestyle.

My sister OP has no job and she only exists to service family, she's a resource to be tapped.

She basically thinks that because you provide care for some family members, your time shouldn't be your own and you should extend your care to anyone that needs it. I.e. being taken for granted. That is disrespectful and denies you agency, makes out like what you currently do with your time is unimportant and certainly less important than what she does with her time.

Don't be her doormat! Are you by any chance the older sister? Did she maybe grow up thinking you were just supposed to take responsibility for things while she pursues whatever she fancies?

I look after people like your mum. Do what's best for her and make the care home move now so she can get settled with it. Your sister has managed to get the power to make these decisions but is expecting you to do it all? No. Do not let her move into your mum's if she won't take on the job she demanded. You need to be firm with this.

Yes agreed.

She can't eat her cake and have it.

Also
She was named as lead carer on everything and mums next of kin.

get this changed... She isn't providing lead care....also make sure you have solo power of attorney.

If you have to do it, you have to do it but that means you get to make the choices.

It sounds like your mother is much closer to you anyway.

I would try and have a factual conversation. Don't get drag into "you didn't do X" "I have to do Y" just "this is what is needed: A B and C. Can you commit to doing it going forward? If not, we need to make some changes because it's important mum gets the support and care she needs"

Hi op, I'm really sorry your having a tough time. I can 100% relate to you. My nan gor diagnosed woth alzhimers 2 years ago. But now is on her last stages of it.
I had to have a serious melt down with my siblings because they were doing jack shit as I was pregnant and taking care of my other 2 children and my own home.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your sister. Especially if she is next of kin

So your sister thinks your mum shouldn't go into a home and that you should do more to look after her? She's withdrawn her offer to live with her but expects what? Her mum to cope alone?

If your mum was in a home you'd know she was being looked after and had some company. You wouldn't have the admin role, unless she would have to sell her house etc, but once that was done, the admin role would be over.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to be in daughter mode, not carer mode. I really feel for you, going through this.

Has anyone got power of attorney. Mum needs a full care needs and capacity assessment which you can arrange through her gp, nurse or social services. Neither of you are obliged to do any caring, your sister is no longer moving in so mum needs a carehome where she will be looked after.

I can understand your sister not wanting to move in with your mother, regardless of what she's said about it before. When reality kicks in things are very different.whoever lived in with a needy parenr would inevitably have their own life really curtailed. Its one thing doing stuff, visiting, appointments ext then going home, it's quite another to live there I think, as far as possible you and your sister need to come to some sort of fairly equal agreement about who does what. Being single doesn't mean she should do more. Having a family doesn't mean you should do more
You each have your chosen lifestyle which you both have a right to. If agreement can't be reached I think you need to buy in more care. If your mother doesn't get Attendance Allowance look into that. It would help pay for some of the care. 💐

You need to put your mum into a home. Neither of you feel like you are able to deal with the burden of caring for your mum for your own valid reasons. It will be the better option for all of you and will stop resentment building up between you and your sister. Your sister will likely be more open to this now she’s realised it’s too overwhelming for her to take on.

This, a thousand times this. You’re sister doesn’t want to do the caring, she can’t block the option of a home.

At the start sister made it clear ahead of didn't want mum going in a home and when it came to it she would move in and mind her as she wanted to live in the family home in the future.

Say to your sister that if she no longer intends to move in with your mum, she will need to go into a home. If your sister works full time, she wouldn’t be able to do much in the way of caring anyway.

I think you can have a conversation with your sister where you say that everyone can acknowledge that time has moved on and no one can cope. You need to stop talking to her about the plan she had to move in etc and start focusing on what next.
I think if she's feeling this overwhelmed you just need to articulate the best way forward which is basically that mum either has live in carer or goes into à home. I présume you have PoA etc?
So instead of focusing on sister just focus on finding a decent care home for her. You can't continue shouldering all this!

I don’t know the answer but it seems your sister underestimated the huge strain of caring for someone with dementia. Especially on top of full time work. It’s likely your mum will have to go into a home at some point (no matter how much anyone thinks they can avoid this, sometimes you just can’t), so it might be best for this to happen sooner rather than later, in everyone’s best interests (including your mum’s)

You need to sit down with sister and decide on an equal and fair way to share the load.

I don't think you owe more of your time because you don't have a job. Equally, she doesn't owe more of her time because she doesn't have kids. You need to work out what you're willing to contribute in terms of time, what the shortfall would be, what support you need to bring in from outside and how to fund that.

Ultimately she doesn't get to sit around leaving you to it and then inheriting a big old house. In the real world, if neither of you want to be full time carers at some point then the house is going to end up being sold to fund care. That's life. She can't have it both ways.

If you want to go back to work, then do it and sister or a paid support will need to pick up what you can't do. You basically need to draw boundaries and stick to them.