I'm so pissed off with my sister! Perspective needed.

Look, social work will say she doesn't need a home because you are shouldering so much of the burden here.
In my view it's better she settles herself somewhere where she can be properly looked after. If you leave until the dementia is very bad it may be very distressing for her (depending on how the dementia manifesrs). If she goes now and can engage in the process she may feel differently about being there.
Could she go in for some respite care and if she finds it good then suddenly the conversations become a lot easier because you're dealing with facts not opinions.
As for the house, forget about it. It'll have to be sold most likely and you'll just have to getr get her comfortable with that or you need to pretend to her that it hasn't been sold if you have PoA and she's not got capacity to make these decisions. Either way assuming she lives for a good bit longer there's almost no prospect of her improving so it will be eaten up with fees regardless.
You are going to have to put your foot down OP. Your sister won't

Your sister needs to either step up and care for her or the house needs to be sold to pay for care. You need to be blunt with your sister and explain these two options.

Your mum would probably be happier in a home being looked after 24/7 rather than alone with 3 fleeting visits from carers a day. Your sister is being selfish, she doesn’t want to care for her but wants the inheritance. Get a solicitor involved if you need to.

"social worker thinks she's not ready for a home yet (despite being registered blind, having dementia and physical issues) she had 3 visits from carers a cleaner and two daughters. On paper it all looks Rosie. In reality it's really hard because I'm the one getting the phone calls and having to arrange everything"

The social worker thinks it's working because it is working - you are making it work. If you step back and withdraw your help, it will all fall apart. But you would have to be prepared to step back. If you carry on filling all the gaps the social worker will be happy to let you.

I think you need to spell out to your sister that your mother will at some point soon need to go into a care home and sell the house to fund it. That is the reality, and however much your sister cries isn't going to change that. Your sister isn't willing to help and you can't make her, but you absolutely can refuse to shoulder the burden on your own.

If caring for your mother is your blocker for going back to work then you need to set up an alternative arrangement. I would proceed with plans to return to work and tell your sister that as you need to work due had to help or help you look for a suitable care home. It's not fair on you and the toll it takes caring for someone with extensive issues

F

Start looking at care homes, you're her daughter not her carer. If your sister insists she's not going into one let her deal with it. You'll burn yourself out mentally and physically if you continue like this, you need to toughen up a bit..............

I can see both sides here.

She has a full time job and a time consuming hobby. If its something like having a horse it's really is like another job, they need exercising mucking out etc every single day. So the reality is you do actually have more time than her in the day. However you shouldn't be taking on more than you can manage

You need to arrange proper care for your. Mum. Also have at least one day off at the weekend. Or tell your sister that you will alternate weekends with her

Serious chat time

Could I ask OP what her mother's views on the situation are? - and how far she recognises her need for support?

I agree that a clear written or email communication with the sister needs to happen, spelling out the OP's need for care to be shared, and co-operation over future decisions.

I recognise that the problem is currently in the OP's lap, but that does not change the fact that someone cannot be admitted to a residential home without their agreement unless the do not have mental capacity to make such a decision. The stress of caring for this lady and the sister's lack of input - neither alters that fact. No-one can "put" someone else in a home without their consent, unless certain stringent conditions are met. I am sure that you would not wish someone to do this to you without your clear agreement.

Even with power of attorney in place, evidence of absence of mental capacity would have to be sought.

I think emails are a good idea
and I do think drawing up a list with roles and responsibilities so you can identify who is responsible for what and identify any “gaps” In care.

I think as a starting point you need to get everything on paper. Get a sheet of a4, divide in to 6 and then write your name and frequency, your sisters name and frequency and outside car and frequency. Then write each and every thing you all do in each column and how often you do it. When it comes to frequency maybe colour code it, red for daily, amber for weekly, green for monthly. You should be left with a document that highlights how much more you’re doing and how much more frequently you’re doing things. It’ll probably also highlight that paid staff offer lots to your mum. Don’t worry about being pedantic about tasks either. Add things like emotional support, hair cuts etc. Send it to your sister and say I’ve created this document to help social services understand mums level of needs because I’m struggling to meet them and we need to think about next steps for her. Ask her if she thinks you’ve missed anything. It’s not a direct challenge to her but should give her pause to think about what she contributes. If she then chooses not to invest more time and energy you know that’s an active choice and you need to make decisions that work for your family in a guilt free way.

Exactly
We have this but all work.
We have carers going in

Get a date for returning to work
(Don't tell mum)

Get carers in.

Make sure it is all running smoothly.

Go back to work.

My dp doesn't want to go in a care home , that's fine but carers it is then.

Also get social services ti do an assessment.

We also dp at day once a week which is brilliant.

Don't put your sister in the equation.

She has chosen to relinquish any responsibility for your mum.

I would recommend the book Contented Dementia. It is very good at helping you assess what is reasonable and feasible when it comes to caring for someone with dementia. Your sister should read it too.

Maybe you should start visiting a few care homes - with or without your mum and sister. Things escalate quickly and at least you will be more prepared and have done some ground work. Tell your sister what you are doing and it might shock her into helping a bit more.

Hey OP,

I would sit down with your sister and have a firm, honest chat. Say you are struggling to care for mum on your own, and if she is not willing to step up then we need to discuss a care home arrangement.

If sister disagrees, then you should go back to adult social care and ask their advice.

If your mum does not have the capacity to decide on where she lives, it’s the power of attorney responsibility to decide in the best interest of your mum. If two of the POA are disagreeing, you need an outside professional to support.

There needs to be a move towards a situation where you and your sister aren't battling. That helps nobody.

I think both of you have too much on to care for someone with dementia. The burden of COGNITIVE disability and depression (different but very often associated) as opposed to physical disability is hugely underestimated, very individual and also enormous.

What does your mother say about a care home, or about increased care at home? Do you think she has a perspective on the situation as it is now? What did she say about care in the past? Did she care for her own parents in the past? It's common for women who did do 24/7 care to be pretty sure they don't want their daughters to do it.

Also does she have the money to self-fund a care home if SS continue to say she doesn't need one?

I would do the following:

• take your mum to the GP re her depression/anxiety
• do a care diary for a week including ALL the things you do and the actual time they take
• ask for a social services reassessment with the diary

• stop focusing on your sister - but keep her updated by email.

It sounds like a care home will best meet her care needs. Dementia homes have carers who are specifically trained to help keep people like your mum comfortable not just physically, but mentally. It isn't a case of you or your sister letting each other or her down, it's just making the choice that is best for her. Lots of people say they would like to stay at home, but things change and can be different to how we expect.

May I ask does your mother live in an expensive property? Is your sister trying to ensure the proceeds do not get swallowed up by fees?

That is fine but she needs to do the work now to stop it from happening

You say you used to be a SW with the elderly and say that this is a common situation, with one family member having to put their life on hold to look after an elderly relative.

But you also say that the DM isn't like a dog you can just put into a home, thereby dumping the problem right back in the OP's lap.

When someone is in an untenable situation like this and other family members refuse to help, what do you suggest instead of residential care?

Could you write your Dsis an email or letter, stops the blubbing when it gets difficult?

Situation is difficult and you're right, you cannot and should not continue like this. Your sis is banking on inheriting a house on the back of your loss of earnings through not being able to work. I'd lay it out - if she still wants to move in, now's the time to do it, but you understand totally if she doesn't and therefore alternative care needs to be arranged.

On a practical note, you could contact Cinnamon trust about the dog, I believe they can help out in situations like this.

So her position is that your mum doesn't need that much care but if she does you should provide it? She makes the decisions and you suck it up?

She does sound very much like someone who has never had caring responsibilities.

It is up to you if you want to (or have capacity) to take on any caring. It's a really hard thing to do and you would be entirely within your rights not to want to.

So if she doesn't want to either, that means paid help in whatever form that takes.

If she finishes work at 4, chances are she has more hours of leisure than you do. She just doesn't want to give it up.

I think the wording is "joint and several" - if that's how it's been set up, either of you can make a decision without the other's agreement.

she's not a parcel or a dog to be "put" into kennels!

As long as she has mental capacity the choice of whether to go into a home is hers and hers alone.

On the other her side, the only reason why the mum is coping is because the OP is doing so much of the caring. The mum is unlikely to be able to organise carers, food, hairdresser etc… herself!!
The OP caring for her mum and doing so much is basically hiding problems from the mum, the sister and the SS. Who then all say ‘mum is fiiiine and doesn’t need to be in a care home yet’.

@Catchtheball22 i think you have to make a decision there re your mum. One that doesn’t involve your sister or her POTENTIALLY helping more (and whether she should, ought to do xyz).
Can you cope with the level of care your mum needs?
Can you (as a family, because that will have some impact on your dcs and your DH too) cope with you not working?
(As an aside, I hope you are still contributing to your state pension!)
Then once you have taken that decision or decided how much you can do and when you pull the plug so to speak, let your mum and sister know. There is only so much you can do and it’s ok to state your limits on how much involvement you can give.

The issue with your sister is a different one.
As she has no involvement with your mum’s care, I’d start by removing her from all those documents (next if kin etc..) if you haven’t already.
Then you need to decide how much her attitude to caring for her mum has had on your relationship with you.
A PP mentioned lack of respect. Is it how it feels to you? Can you forgive what looks like to you like selfishness?
Then decide how to deal with it.

But I’d separate how your sister behaves from what your mum needs iyswim.
If your sister feels taking your mum to a care home or that her care isn’t good enough with what you do, then she can step in if she wants.