I'm so pissed off with my sister! Perspective needed.

You need to get a carers' assessment done and have a frank conversation with both sister and SS about how your mum is managing with your help.

I've been in v similar situations to both you and your sister at different points in my life. Both are tough, but for different reasons. I was the single working woman who moved back in to help parents out. I had little idea what I was taking on. I ended up not working for a few months whilst one died, that drained my savings as I still had to buy food and pay bills. I realised I was never going to be able to live independently, have a career, relationship or family of my own if I stayed. So I moved out, initially 30 mins away, later on 5 hours. Now I have the career and the family, and getting pulled in all directions by expectations of caring for the surviving parent.

It isn't easy for either of you. The reality of being a single person living alone is that everything falls on you and it's really lonely - you have to work to pay the bills, save into a pension, there's no one else to share household responsibilities with like cooking and cleaning. Maybe she thought moving in would mean sharing the cooking with your Mum? Or having some company and had no idea of the reality of dementia. Maybe she was after the inheritance. Who knows? I can understand her spending time with her friends - that's her support network.

You have older children/adults at university, not toddlers, who presumably can be left to get some food, maybe even overnight. Yes, you will have more free time than she does. That doesn't mean you should spend it caring for your Mum. That's your choice.

Get the assessments done. Put boundaries in place. She's ringing you during the day? Don't take the call if you don't want to. Presumably your sister is at work (I don't take calls from my Mum during working hours else she'd be on the phone all the time). Work out what you're prepared to do in terms of lifts to appointments, shopping etc. I found it was impossible to manage hospital appointments and a FT job, hence not working for a few months.

You need to get out of the mindset that the other sibling has it "easier". Neither of you do. Neither of you had to provide care, both of you have a choice but you both need to face the reality that it will probably mean a home.

Slightly different perspective

My (older) sister does almost nothing

Since dad died 5 years ago, I looked after mum and travelled a fair bit every week to do that.

This summer she became very ill and refused carers. I have moved near her - which probably partly led her refusal to get carers!

Then I had a nervous breakdown and she had to go in respite care.

I can see what happened with your sister. I am still asked "why don't you move in with your mum". Because it's so depressing, I'd rather walk into the sea. Not a joke.

Also, being in a care home doesn't mean the frequent calls will stop.

I admire your ability to care for your mum. But please remember not all of us have that. It literally made me ill.

If your mum is refusing a care home, you might need to start trying to talk her round, though I fully realise that might not work.

But please don't blame your sister for being unable to cope. I didn't plan on physical care for mum - never did I dream she'd refuse carers when ill - but I find the constant housework and non physical care etc too much.

There's another chap on this board whose sister had a nervous breakdown due to elderly parent problems. I think it's probably more common than is known about.

you mention your sister cries and talks about having a shit life. Maybe she's in my position - she hasn't got a shit life but mum brings her down so much, she thinks has? I feel that way a lot.

What do you mean she was named lead carer? That's not a thing.

Does your mum claim a disability benefit and therefore your sister gets carers allowance? Unlikely if she works.

If you mum gets Attendance Allowance you can claim carers allowance for you- not al lot but given you aren't working will be some income.

You can't simply put a parent in a home either - if she has capacity she can say no.

Approach social services for a care needs assessment and maybe there's some care at home that can take the pressure off you.

Yes but there is no use expecting her to change. She is self centered and anxious. Especially around issues of family life. She never formed her own family and is a hanger on to others. Probably a big sense of FOMO as well. She is not going to step up and care for/about anyone. But she will certainly complain and demand care and attention when her friends no show in her 60s and 70’s

You can withdraw care if its affecting your health, does mum realise how much you do, does she want you to get extra help. You can ask for a carers assessment and carers allowance, are the household bills direct debit, food shop online, anything to ease the load, what do the carers think, can mum get extra care during the day or night.

The only person who can help you is you. Your sister isn’t going to, clearly.

So your choices are either to take the bull by the horns and insist that a care home is needed (the SW’s opinion is irrelevant really, your DM will be self-funding), to refuse to care for her (unpalatable, obviously), or carry on as you are.

Your sister is being unfair and selfish, and a massive CF wanting to secure her inheritance off your back, but that’s not illegal. You can’t force her to become a carer, but you can probably railroad her into a position that is less unfavourable to you.

Stop being so nice. You deserve a life of your own as much as anyone else. 💐

Well, if you can’t refuse to care for her, and your sister won’t, then you’ve just got to grit your teeth and get on with it possibly until there is some sort of crisis that makes a home the only choice. Playing the martyr will do you no good, and this might well go on for years yet. You deserve a life too, as does your sister.

God no, I don’t think this would be easier, at least not in the long term. OP is hoping to go back to work, shouldering 100% of the burden is definitely not going to help.

And regarding the family home, nobody wants to have to sell it, but them’s the breaks!
From my own experience, it is a thousand times harder to find a care home if you leave it ‘too late’. Finding a home that will accept her gets a lot harder as the dementia gets more advanced. It’s not always best to stay at home for as long as possible

Well she does have to look after herself. Because when she is your mother’s age there will be absolutely no one to give her a hand. For sure the rented horse isn’t going to answer her calls.

"I suppose the relatives can decline to do the caring, but does that not leave them open to charges of neglect?"

No, not at all. You can refuse to care for a relative for any reason, or no reason at all. It may seem as if it is 'expected' but you do not have to meet those expectations, you are not obliged to do hands-on care for a relative. The relative can pay for care, or Social Services would need to provide care if the person had no funds.

My friend forced the issue with her father. He had dementia. Her mother was 80 and struggling to cope. He was in hospital and they assessed him to come home as fine, because he had support and help at home (his wife). They also said he needs help getting up and dressed (he was tall she was tiny and frail) and he mustn't be left alone at all.
He was deemed to have capacity for this decision because at the moment they assessed him he was quite clear that he wanted to go home.

My friend went up to the hospital and said that her mum was coming to live with her, so they could discharge him, but it would be to an empty house and they needed to arrange carers for him. Suddenly it became an unsafe discharge and he was discharged into a home.

I would list all that you do, and then highlight all the things that you will no longer be able to do from 1st January.

Send that document to both sister and social services and say that form that date someone need to take up the gap.

Ask social services if they need to re-asses based on the new information.

You need to force the issue with SS. They will do nothing as long as you pick up the slack.

I really feel for you @Catchtheball22 As other posters have pointed out, your mother is coping at home because you are shouldering* *the burden of care. I'm in a fairly similar position. The only way anyone will realise that my mother can't cope is if I back away from it and leave her with just her 2x daily care calls.
That is really difficult to do because my visits and the tasks I do for her help keep her safe, fed and in a clean home.

The mental capacity irritates me a bit because it seems to be that the person who's capacity is considered is deemed to be more important than the person caring for them.
So someone doesn't want to go into a home...so they and the social services expect their relatives (usually one daugher ime) to look after them. Where is that daughter's right to choose? I suppose the relatives can decline to do the caring, but does that not leave them open to charges of neglect?

It is a very very difficult situation all round 😔

How will your family finances be compensated for your three years loss of earnings? You are enabling the current situation by providing a lot of unpaid care, for which I would think you’ll never be compensated unless there is provision within the estate. Your sister needs to face the reality that more care is needed than you are able to provide so a residential option is needed and the house will have to be sold. The other option is she takes the next three year hit and moves in with mum as unpaid carer to preserve her inheritance. But she’s happy for you to give up your leisure time and less so for her to do it …..

Could you possibly sell your mum's house and get her to move in with you,it will be easier if she's living with you, and the money from the house can help you financially support her and you. As you're her full time carer you should be claiming carers allowance for your mother.

I'm sorry but this post made me so cross on your behalf! Your sister is a selfish bitch. I've one like that too.

All she cares about is getting her mitts on her inheritance and she doesn't care what sacrifices you have to make so that she can have it - while she sits on her hole and does nothing to help!

You need to tell her you can't do it any more. And you can't. You are enabling her to work whilst you can't.

Make arrangements to go back to work and look at care homes. I wouldn't give a damn how much the selfish cow turns on the waterworks.

I bet four children are way more time-consuming than whatever her hobby is!

Which LPoA do you have, do you both have it? How much capacity does Mam have just now?
Is there any cash or just the house? Could you get a live in carer?

I think your sister also needs her eyes opened about dementia OP, she said she'd live in but maybe pictured a rosy scene where she made a cup of tea now and then. Dementia can be full on and very challenging. Does she actually know what late-stage dementia looks like? There might be sweet moments along the way but she needs to have a realistic understanding of it.

Well then Dsis shouldn't have volunteered to move in with DM "when the time came".

I get it most of us don't particularly want to sacrifice our lives for our DPs and even if she did move in, it doesn't really resolve the issue unless she gives up her job as well.

But DSis needs to admit that she is not prepared to do it and stop expecting OP to pick up everything and then turning on the tears when she is asked to do anything.

I think OP shouldn't be taking on more than she wants to not more than she can manage.

If OP sister had a horse - pay someone else to do mucking out etc while she looks after her DM, or else pay someone to look after DM while mucking out horse.

I'd imagine OP's day starts about 7, gets kids to school 8.45 or so, chores and housework take up almost all the day, then shipping kids around, cooking, cleaning, homework help etc in evenings and finished at 10 or so.

If you were to be run over by a bus this afternoon what would happen to your mother then? Would your sister move in and take over or would mum be shipped off to a home? Unfortunately dementia only gets worse but you may have many more years of caring to go…I’d be researching care homes in your position.
My cousin has devoted the last 20 years of her life, since her father died, to caring for her mother. She’s now nearly in her 70’s and her mother is late 90’s but i think she so entrenched as a carer now, that she can’t consider other options, because “it wont be for much longer” - she’s been saying that for about 10 years now! Her brother would have taken the care home route years ago, and does absolutely nothing to help. Look after yourself OP.