Dp refusing carers

I think no one wants carers, its such a statement of 'you can't cope' - but they need to realise that this is key to your df coming out of hospital successfully. I found blaming other people very successful - the doctor says you have to have the carers for instance. And say no, loudly and often. Make sure it is written down in discharge planning exactly what you can do (and halve the amount you could do as it will always double with all the invisible things) and what you cannot do especially thinking about it being long term.

Your not helping won’t mean he’s stuck in hospital.

stick to your guns and refuse to help. Understate what you are prepared to do. It’s easy to step up your level of help, much less easy to step down if you find yourself overwhelmed

If your mother sees it as part of your father’s treatment plan she may be more receptive and then realise how much of a help it is.

^^ this

and tell your mother we need all the help and care we can get as I’m not having dad and you suffering at this time. You’ve paid in all your life now we need the help for a couple of weeks we need to take it to make dad and you as comfortable as possible.

keep telling them it’s for comfort and for a little while

thr thought of strangers in the house worries people but often once they realise they have someone to talk to and it’s regularly the same people they warm to this

My mother and my brother’s mother in law came out of hospital with a six week care package in place, grab rails where needed, a commode for the bedroom, a shower stool and an adjustable seat for the kitchen. My mother only had the carer for five days as they had nothing to do but in the other case they came four times a day and provided night care in the form of a pager type of communication. All of this was free for the first six weeks and was aimed at building up independence. If your mother sees it as part of your father’s treatment plan she may be more receptive and then realise how much of a help it is.

Frankly that is incredibly selfish of them to just expect you to be their carer...

Make it clear to them and to the hospital that this is not happening and that the hospital need to put something in place before your parent is discharged.

I echo the great advice you are being given on this thread.

My biggest tip would be do not let your father leave hospital without a package of support. Talk to the hospital. Let them know you’re delighted he’s coming home but you know your mum won’t be able to cope on her own, so he will need support. Do not offer your services at all (even if you are happy to help with some things).

If your parents need to pay for care, your father may get short term care provided while they commission private careers. But there should be someone at the hospital/ social worker who will help decide the level of support needed and liaise with local agencies to visit and give a quote. It will be eye watering but I’d recommend starting with that level and easing off if your mother is coping.

The important thing is to be officially unavailable from the start. This is no reflection on your love for your parents and will give you the headspace to support them in other ways.

Please don't feel guilty OP. Taking on your parents' care is a huge task and could go on for years - much better to set things up with paid careers from the beginning before they become too reliant on you. My PILs need care now and tbh I have been a bit shocked about their expectations of DH. They know we work, have DC and live two hours away, but they seem to expect him to drop everything and go and help them whenever they want something sorted.

I suggest looking into retirement living accommodation for them. My PIls moved into one last year and it makes everything so much easier. The flat is set up to make it easy to get around (no steps, handrail in shower etc) and you can arrange care through the management company. The advantage of this (compared to organising it yourself) is that if a carer leaves or is off sick it's their responsibility to find a replacement. And there's a nice communal area downstairs for when they feel like socialising.

As your father still in hospital, request an adult social care assesment before his discharge and make it clear your parents are expecting you to be a carer which you will NOT be able to do.

This is actually a very common situation for the hospital, these are the times to have a honest chat and firm with your parents.

Ask to speak to the discharge team.

Tell them that you are aware that your Mum is saying that they will manage and you and your db will help but say this is not the case. You are able to do social visits at weekends but have work / children / commitments and would have travel issues and simply cannot take it on.

They will arrange an ‘enablement’ package if needed. Visits to help him shower / advise on any mobility aids etc.

Hope you manage to make some progress with your DM and the Discharge Clerk today @Yellowbricks28

My mum's carers would not even help with her having a bath ( it's more than a one person job ) so help to wash / dress only.
if it's a walk in shower cubicle then perhaps not too bad but don't under estimate the help they would need if the shower is in the bath.
Caring for someone is extremely hard and most also find it emotionally draining as well as physically.

Sorry. Goodness knows why I've mixed those up

Occupational therapy assessment, not occupational health or they may look at you a bit confused. Good luck OP, no need to feel guilty at all.

Lots of us have been in similar situations, of course we're behind you!

Of others have said, your DF will not want you to shower him, if he does need help with showering, it's much better done by a Carer.

Also, it's not up to your DM to volunteer you.

If your DF has to stay in Hospital longer whilst a Care Package is put in place, then that's just how these things work. Please do not feel guilty.

All of the advice above is really good. I'd just like you to add, please do call the Discharge Clerk on his Ward tomorrow and ask what the plans are for Discharge for your DF. Specifically ask if he's had an Occupational Health Assessment and whether they'll be assessing his home and aid he's had a Physio Assessment. Also tell them that you won't be providing any personal care, like washing or toileting.

I'd also ask if he has a SW. If he does, ring them and tell the SW that you won't be providing personal care for DF.

If your DPs don't have them already, I'd recommend a cleaner and a gardener and possibly a milkman. As well as helping them manage to stay in their own home, they're also extra people to keep an eye on them.

And one final thing. Have a look at the book, The Twilight Shepherd on Kindle. It's very simple practical advice for those of us with DPs who are aging and need help.

And tte very first poster is right

It's not up to your parents to decide you're going to help with their care.

If your DF needs to help to go to the loo in the middle if the night, he isn’t ready to go home yet. Unless he is happy to wear nappies or have a commode next the the bed.
Because I doubt he’ll get a carer for tte might And there is no way you or your DH should accept to care for him at night. You’d never ge5 a full night of sleep AND you’d still have to go to work etc… the next day.

Make your feelings clear about not wanting to be a carer, to the nurse, ward manager, occupational therapists and physios. Ask for an MDT meeting if needed to discuss discharge. Make your feelings clear to your parents, as another poster has pointed out you will still end up being a carer of so many other things . The only issue is if your parents have capacity and still refuse carers (despite needing them). Sometimes they need to 'fail' to realise they can't manage without carers.

Your mum can’t just decide to rely on you for care, it’s a two way agreement. I’d be firm and say no you’re not caring for your df and a cater will be needed.

When I say ‘social services will provide’ I should have mentioned that a financial contribution is required from the person receiving the care. This is calculated based on income and savings but if you have more than - I think - £23,250 in savings you pay for it all.

Insist on parents taking everything they are offered - much easier to cut back than try and put things in place later.

Please remember things generally deteriorate

DO NOT AGREE TO THIS!!! It will ruin your life and probably your relationship with your parents.

After an illness a couple of years ago my DF is unable to do much at all and was discharged from hospital with 4x daily care visits. (I understand this is the maximum that social services will provide - if more is needed then it’s a care home or buy more in yourself.)

But there are lots of things the carers are not paid to do

• clean the house
• do the garden
• shop for food, toiletries etc.
• buy clothes
• maintain the house
• look after the dog
• haircuts and nail care
• manage finances and other admin
• arrange and collect medication
• deal with medical appointments

I have to do all this for DF or arrange others to do it and this is more than enough.

He originally suggested that I move in with him to look after him. I reminded him that I have my own home - the one with my wife and children in it. He wasn’t happy but obviously I wasn’t budging.

You absolutely need to look into carers. Sounds like they would qualify for attendance allowance which would help with paying for the carers. I had somebody come from an organisation working for council who came round to help fill in the forms for that. I started by ringing tapestry for help, but if in hospital, they should do some of the assessment. They will also risk assess the house and make improvements if needed.
I sold it to my mum, that if I was doing all the caring I wouldn't have time to sit with her and spend time with her. By getting somebody in to help means when I go round I have time to have a chat, play a game of
cards etc. I still do some jobs, like check finances, wash up etc.

Just say no. If he can't leave so be it.
Surely your DM wouldn't expect you to sacrifice the best years of your life indefinitely to their needs at the end of theirs?! Would she?
I would think far less of them if they were happy with this.
Bear in mind whatever you agree to will escalate, and trying to get car in down the line will be ten times harder.
Your own family come first and your DP need to start spending what they've no doubt 'scrimped and saved for all their life', buy in care and be decent enough parents to leave you free of the burden.
I have several friends on antidepressants having taken on this role.

It can snowball really quickly. My sister in law ended up never being able to take a holiday as her parents 'didn't want carers'. They were happy for her to be on call every day of the year and she got so far into caring for them she couldn't see her way out. It just happened to her as they assumed she'd do it, there was never a discussion in the first place or at any point after.