Struggling to cope with stroke parent and feuding sibling.

I think you need to recalibrate your ideas of what you have to do to be a "good son". You're being hard on yourself and you're going to run yourself ragged.

Hi loving son you have had great advice and support from people who get it and have been where you are. I just wanted to add that in view of your religious upbringing and presumably your mother’s faith you might find it useful to have a chat with the chaplain if the home has someone they use. They would be so used to all the complex feelings surrounding caring for the elderly and watching them suffer and suffering yourself. You might get an idiot but you might find a compassionate ear to help you through this difficult and lonely time. God bless.

Just to add that when I say that some of the men on the ward chose not to undertake rehab for walking, I'm not exaggerating. It was a rigorous programme and a minority who had had lesser strokes than DH opted not to go beyond the wheelchair stage because they couldn't face what it entailed. In their case, rehab focused on the upper body and wheelchair transfers. However, they all improved significantly in spite of being confined to wheelchairs.

DH and the chap in the bed opposite from him had the advantage of having been very fit and active prior to their respective strokes. When my husband first started rehab, the ward doctor initially thought that being able to use a zimmer frame would be a good outcome for him; he actually left using only a walking stick.

Have just seen your more recent post. Good night, Lovingson. Sleep well.

Lovingson...My husband's stroke was the same type. Hemiparesis - loss of sensation on the left side. Couldn't even sit up in bed.

However, things improved. He was 75 when he had his stroke. He was placed in a rehab ward and given physio. To start with, they put him in a harness to bear his weight.

After 4 months of physio, he was able to walk again. Feeling did return, but unfortunately he then suffered from hypersensitivity.

Some of the men on his ward chose not to undergo walking rehab, but they still got rehab for arm movement etc. It sounds to me as though the medics aren't doing as much as they might because your mum is in a care home? (If I've got this wrong and she's not in a care home, I apologise.)

DON'T even think of "euthanising" your mum. It could go horribly wrong and cause more suffering and it would land you in a world of trouble.

My husband was able to get some enjoyment out of life again and our relationship was good again, though we had our arguments, the same as anyone else. He had another 8 years after the stroke.

After rehab, he didn't lose his appetite again until the very end - and it was a heart attack that took him then.

Bluntly, if your mum stops eating then the decision is in her own hands. Don't do it. You have the rest of your life to lead.

You're saying your mum has to be fed. I'm assuming that the speech and language people have said that her liquids need to be thickened because of a swallowing problem. Is that also why she's being fed - because they're worried about choking? Or is she simply refusing to use her right hand to feed herself?

I recall that the "swallow test" that they gave patients in our local NHS didn't seem very scientific - they tried the patients with a teaspoonful of water. If they didn't cough, they passed.

My mum had a series of strokes which weren't picked up on by us straight away. (I think she had some TIAs during the night and then others.) Latterly, she would only eat sweet things - not uncommon. I cared for both my husband and my mother and the nutritionist said that I was doing all the right things with mum - she was mainly being fed ice cream, custard and thickened nutritional drinks.

Sorry - this response isn't very well structured. It's quite late and I'm adding bits as I think of them.

Strokes can do this, unfortunately. My late husband's hit his frontal lobe and I recall crying at work because I didn't want to go home and face him.

I was fortunate - as time progressed his original personality asserted itself and he apologised for his earlier behaviour.

I know it doesn't help, but it'll be the stroke that's doing this to your mum. Thinking of you.

That's crazy so does my Nan she has full capacity and absolutely no dementia at all but because she acts out and we her family and the care home staff are concerned that's enough for the GP to make a referral. This is where a DOLS comes in of she refuses medication but needs it they can administer regardless. But they will try other stuff first such as talking therapies ect. She could completely refuse but again that's where the .medical professionals can invoke a DOLS. I would speak to the GP attached to the care home as it sounds to me like much more could be done.

It's such a hard time.
Remember that your Mum is the whole sum of her life and this is just a small part of it. I'd imagine she was a strong capable woman and this stage of her life must be immensely frustrating for her too.
My MIL passed away last year and spent her last few years fuming in a care home! Except she was mostly ok, often quite happy but rarely cheerful for my poor DH who she was often grumpy with.
You might find it's worth looking at care homes that do take more challenging residents if your Mum might have to move. A friend of mine had his Mum in one because she was such a terror..
Keep keeping on and do try and find some fun and kindness in real life as this is a gruelling time for you.

My Gran is going through similar and we've had a rough 2 years she has ended up on a DOLS and is no longer the same person she was. I had to beg for the elderly people's mental health team to get involved and she is now on an anti psychotic drug and starting to see improvement. The GP from the care home referred her to the mental health team. If she isn't under this then try and get the ball rolling it's been long coming but the old her is still there a little bit.

Well done you! It is about putting a bit of bubble wrap around yourself, limiting the time you spend with her, particularly when she's unpleasant, and looking after yourself.
What was she like before she became so frail?
I'm pleased she apologised. It sounds like you handled it well. It's not easy as we do want to do our best by our ageing and ailing parents, but it's still upsetting when they get spiteful. Even if we know it's frustration and feeling unwell that's causing it.
Consider yourself hugged and enjoy the rest of your family - try not to let her take over all your thoughts!

I just read your post and i can feel how hard this has affected you , i'm glad you had a good holiday you sound like you really deserved it,
My advice is - it sounds like no amount of visits you make will satisfy your mom and that you seem to be her whipping boy , you know she's safe ,hopefully she'll calm down from whatever she is getting worked up about at the moment so maybe back off a bit and make your visits a little shorter and perhaps less frequent , i get the impression you visit a lot.
If her behaviour gets her chucked out yes that's a pain but there will be somewhere else and her current home can't just throw her on the street they will have to give you notice.
I know it's hard and sad but you have a life to live too and just because your mom is in this miserable position and coming to the end of hers you must live yours and not be a slave to her , it is just so unfair for a parent to drain all pleasure from their kids life.
Best wishes to you .

@Lovingson You’re very very welcome here. I hope you have a good nights sleep and we hear from you again tomorrow.
As others have said, you cannot manage this situation. The professionals are there for a reason … they know what to do far better than you. You need to look after yourself because

1. You deserve it and
2. Looking after yourself is crucial in order to support your mum. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

@CreakyDormouse @Lovingson yep, the homes have strategies for difficult situations . I have learnt that they actually want us as family to back off abit. I can only liken it to a good teacher/school who have a system to cope/deal with children. The last thing they need is a fussy parent rocking up mid lesson trying to make things worse/better/interfere

Welcome back @Lovingson I also agree you can re read @redskydarknight's post over and again
What was you relationship like before all this?

In all honesty, when my mother tells me to get lost, which I assume is what you mean, I take her at her word. Over time she has come to learn that she has to behave herself if she wants me to do things for her ( I'm giving her more leeway now that she appears to have the beginnings of dementia) I will listen to her woes and commiserate with the indignity of being so much less able, but if she starts on a 'roasting' then I'm out of there. I don't even wait for her to finish.

The nusing home have strategies to cope with her and they are using you as their easy option.

I know it's hard but she is in a safe place and you and your family deserve for you to look after yourself too.

@Lovingson brilliant to hear your update and glad you feel here is a safe space for venting…it is! In terms of the home my experience is it won’t be a new experience for them having residents with challenging behaviour. They will have techniques to deal with this. Remember- put your own oxygen mask on first. Your Mum is in the right place. You did not cause this and you cannot cure it. Deep breath and remind yourself you are really important. I think the post from @redskydarknight above your most recent one is one you should keep re reading as it is so well worded. Keep strong and try to distract yourself with healthy behaviours not destructive ones.