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Elderly parents
Original poster

Need some advice desperately please

28 replies

BeauticianNotMagician81 · 14/11/2023 20:55

Hi, I don't know if anyone is or has been in a similar situation but I'm after any words of wisdom. My Dad has never been hands on. Parents divorced when I was in my late teens and my dad moved in with his parents. He helped my grandma when my grandad got ill. Then stayed in the house until my grandma passed away. Both grandparents had dementia. I think Dad is going the same way but the health professionals disagree. I haven't lived near my Dad (about an hour and a half away) for 15 years and he hasn't visited once in that time. Anyway he is of limited mobility, isn't washing or making it to the bathroom, is deaf (but refuses to pay to fix his hearing aids and won't let me), won't pay for carers, house isn't suitable and he refuses to leave. Because of his situation with my grandparents he thinks me and my siblings can just drop everything to look after him. DB is 40 minutes away, sister is abroad.

I have four DC, run my own business and my husband mostly works away. All of the extended family are calling on me to take responsibility but it's making me ill. The social worker said I should get POA while Dad is still seen as having mental capacity. That's proving tricky as I can't find anyone to sign the certificate as I can't physically get him to the GP etc as I wouldn't be able to hold him up. What do I do? How do you reason with someone that is impossible?

OP posts:
tobyj · 14/11/2023 22:06

Pause a minute though - do you WANT to have poa? Are you willing to take that on? It sounds like there's a real danger that your own life is going to be seriously compromised if you take on more responsibility for your dad. It also sounds like it would be very difficult to say no - but maybe you need to at least consider the possibility. Where are your siblings in all this?

Original poster
BeauticianNotMagician81 · 14/11/2023 21:24

@Daffidale thank you. My Das has literally alienated himself from everyone. He doesn't speak to a soul. The only other person is his girlfriend who's really just a companion now. But I'm not sure if she would be allowed.

OP posts:
Daffidale · 14/11/2023 21:22

You can only do so much and ultimately can’t force him to take better care of himself, get carers etc… The emotional blackmail from Dad and relatives can be huge, but you don’t have to cave to it.

In practical terms, def get the POA in place. Then you can help with some things like managing finances without being there. I’d get someone else on it too like DB as he is closer (and you trust him) so it’s not all on you.

You don’t need to get Dad to a GP for it.

It needs someone who knows him who will certify that he’s not being pressured into it. And then you need someone to witness all your signatures. Could a neighbour do it as he’s lived there a while? They could come round next time you or DB are there.