Need some advice desperately please

Social workers to tend to want family to take on the burden, because it means there is less for them to do (and costs a lot less). It is, however, often completely untenable and out of the question. A solicitor can do POA, and they simply deduct their fees from the account of the person whose affairs they are managing. It is very well regulated though, they can't just help themselves.

Yes because it's a lot easier and cheaper for the SWs to have family members (usually women) doing all of this than have to put care and support in place.

And in the past people (women!) did drop everything to go and care for elderly parents. I knew one in her 90s who was refused permission to marry because she was expected to care for her parents. Another one now almost 80 who never married, moved back to live near parents and went very part-time before retiring in her 50s so she could care for them.

But it's very different now - we work later, have our children later, are more likely to live elsewhere because of jobs or housing availability, pensions are a lot worse, house prices mean rent/mortgage needs two incomes.

You don't have to have the POA yourself, you can appoint a solicitor to do it on his behalf. It is what happens when someone has no relatives to take it on. It's what I had to do when a relative of mine died - she'd had POA for her sibling and everyone tried to get me to assume responsibility. Social Services also expected me to drop everything (including my job) and move him in with me.

The social worker in your case wants you to have POA so you then feel obliged to be responsible for him in other aspects as well.

My advice would be - don't do it.

Well, it’s a bit scary. Official document, signatures witnessed, registered with OPG. I wouldn’t blame her for feeling daunted.

Or did she refuse because she doesn’t feel he has capacity?

Some people advising you on here are being too pedantic and making it difficult for you. A LPA which was declared invalid after the person had lost capacity really would make things difficult.

Agreed, after OP’s latest clarification, “girlfriend” sounds fine.

Perfect…. you have your certificate provider.
Also, good luck with getting your Dad’s life more manageable 💐

I really don’t think that being an ex-girlfriend is going to cause problems.
She’s not a partner, or even an ex partner, if I’m understanding what you have told us and doesn’t live in the same house.
At this point in time, she is a friend who visits him, so she would be the obvious choice.
Some people advising you on here are being too pedantic and making it difficult for you.

so I would think that his friend/carer would be ideal, as it has to be someone who would have the best interest of the Donor (your father) at heart. OP describes her as a “girlfriend who is really now a companion “. One of the exclusions is partner. I don’t know how they’d look on ex-partner.

My MIL was like your dad @BeauticianNotMagician81 . The situation nearly finished my DH, and me to some extent. I remember crying my heart out several times over the whole sorry situation. DH’s two sisters live far away and piled pressure on us to step up and look after someone who had alienated us and everyone else. My advice is to put yourself and your own family first. Do not be guilt tripped. Make it crystal clear exactly how much you can’t do. If you do anything, services will step back and do nothing. Social care have a duty to look after vulnerable adults but services are stretched. If they think a family member can step in, they quickly step away. Don’t get to breaking point like we did. Look after yourself. 💐

The Certificate Provider has to be someone who has known your father personally for at least two years (more than an acquaintance) but not a family member, so I would think that his friend/carer would be ideal, as it has to be someone who would have the best interest of the Donor (your father) at heart.
When we did a POA for my father we asked the taxi driver he had used quite a few times a week for years if he would do it.
He just had to make sure that my father knew what he was signing and that he wasn’t being coerced into it.

It was only after Dad died that Mum became difficult and said she hated me because I still had a husband and she didn’t 😞 That's a very understandable feeling, standard stage of grief. I went through a phase of hating people who had mothers. Thoughts like that are understandable but you keep them to yourself. But dementia can rob you of your filters.

You don’t need the GP or a solicitor to do the POA. You just send for the forms, fill them in yourself and get someone who is not a relative to countersign your Dads signature. It's not the PoA she's worried about it's the certificate provider. And although the GF isn't family she is a partner or ex partner, so it might stir up problems in the future if she does it.

The certificate provider can be someone who has known the person for a long time (and there aren't any available) or it can be someone professionally qualified, in which case they'll want to be paid. Maybe a solicitor would agree to be the certificate provider without having anything to do with the rest of the form, which would cut costs a little.

You don’t need the GP or a solicitor to do the POA.
You just send for the forms, fill them in yourself and get someone who is not a relative to countersign your Dads signature.
I should think his girlfriend could do it, as she’s not family.
He does sound as though he really needs carers going in and I would get Social Services involved.
Give them a call, explain he’s living in his own mess and they will come round to see him while you’re there. They’re used to this situation and will talk to him about the help he can have to live comfortably in his own home.
You and your brother are just going to have to over-ride him, as no-one can live like that.

Oh dear. I really do feel for you.

Although my mum had dementia, my dad was very ‘with it’ and they both appreciated everything I did for them.

It was only after Dad died that Mum became difficult and said she hated me because I still had a husband and she didn’t 😞

Navigating dealing with elderly parents should be thought in school!

As to reasoning, try arguments on the lines of “keep you out of a care home as long as possible “. But ultimately it’s his choice. He’s allowed to make bad decisions

Does your dad not have NHS hearing aids? They’re very good and , of course, no need to “pay to fix”.

Could you arrange to meet a solicitor at your dads to sort out POA?

Our solicitor came to my parents home one evening to update their wills and arrange the POA. Granted it costs but if time is of the essence, that may be your best option.