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Elderly parents
Original poster

MIL really struggling post-surgery - how to help?

34 replies

Gherkingreen · 12/11/2023 20:20

MIL is 80, lives on her own rurally, we live 6 hours away in one direction, other family members 5 hours in the other direction.
She's recently had major bowel surgery after years of severe diverticulitis and infections & has a stoma.
A carer currently visits once a day to help her get washed & dressed, but she won't ask them to help her wash as she's embarrassed by the stoma. The stoma nurses visit once a week but it's still v early days & she's finding the whole thing very difficult to manage between their visits (emptying it, sore skin, accidents etc), not to mention the psychological impact.
She can't stand for more than about 30 seconds (on list for hip replacement) so struggles to even heat up a meal in the evening.
She has restless legs at night which is preventing her from sleeping, so is feeling dreadful. Her GP prescribed medication but she's afraid of side effects so doesn't want to take it. We've got her some magnesium to take & epsom salts but her reduced mobility means she can't safely fill & carry a bowl with warm water to soak her feet before bed.
We're going to call social services tomorrow to see if they'll reassess the care package in place with a view to getting more support in place. The care provider says she seems to be coping (as MIL won't ask them to help, she says she's got it all under control) but we disagree.
How do we try to help her get the support she needs so she can stay at home as she wishes?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 13/11/2023 07:40

I'm afraid the convalescence would definitely be in a nursing home.

It is expensive though. Round here an absolute minimum of £1000 a week and tbh the only ones I would consider for a relative are £1700 a week.

Getting more private care is a good idea I think.

SeaToSki · 13/11/2023 07:27

can she take magnesium supplements? I take 100% rda of magnesium as pills just before bed and it knocks out my restless legs completely.

also maybe you can convince MIL that if she will engage with help in the home for cooking and washing it will keep her at home rather than having to go to a residential facility

seymourhoffwoman · 13/11/2023 07:21

I know it's only a small bit if what you said and I hope you get her the support she needs but you can get magnesium cream which means she won't have the issues of trying to use Epsom saltS

Original poster
Gherkingreen · 13/11/2023 07:20

@Houseplanter I'm sorry you've also suffered with restless legs, it sounds so debilitating. That's a great call, thanks for suggesting - will get her a weighted blanket to try. Have you had any luck with anything else? Thanks for your message.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gherkingreen · 13/11/2023 07:19

Thanks for replying @PermanentTemporary, she's in a pretty awful situation and we're trying to navigate the health/social care system as best we can - the stoma nurses have been excellent and we are in contact with them by phone; they're understaffed and under pressure to meet the needs of their patients so can't physically do more than they are, but they'll phone her too and she can ask for help any time.
Her daughter (who lives 5 hours away) did stay with her for a week post op, and she MIL did seem to improve a little bit as soon as she'd gone, went downhill again both physically and psychologically.
We had hoped MIL could be supported with a period in a convalescence place after the op but it wasn't offered. We might try again.

OP posts:
Houseplanter · 12/11/2023 22:44

I know it's only a small piece of advice but re her restless legs...a small weighted blanket has made a massive difference to me after years of it making my life miserable.

PermanentTemporary · 12/11/2023 22:39

Your poor MIL. That's miserable to read.

What does the stoma nurse say? Would your MIL let you talk to her?

What do you think your MIL would like? Would she really prefer to be in hospital still? Would she consider respite care in a home? I have had some better responses to calling this convalescent care?

Or would she really want family to help? I'm normally pretty stonehearted on here but is there anyone who could stay with her for a week or two?

Original poster
Gherkingreen · 12/11/2023 21:21

Thanks for replying @teaandcake123 - she's not eating much at all and has lost a significant amount of weight in recent weeks (says she feels sick/doesn't want to deal with the stoma etc), she can't shower/wash properly and definitely can't prepare a meal. In our eyes, she can't manage her basic needs.
The hospital assessed her as needing 1 visit a day for a maximum of 6 weeks after discharge following the op (think we're on week 3 now), will take your advice and call SS tomorrow to see if they can help.
Whether she'll accept help is debatable - she thinks if she asks for help, she'll be seen as in need of more intervention which in her mind is a care home - of course, we know that's not the case but there's no convincing her otherwise, so she says everything is fine so's not to draw attention to the reality.
She may be able to use some of the benefits she receives to pay for additional care short term but she doesn't have savings/property.

OP posts:
teaandcake123 · 12/11/2023 20:42

@Gherkingreen I’d advise that you call social services and use the phrase “she is at high risk” of not coping..not eating properly…?if she’s lost weight then tell them that too. You need to emphasise how worrying her situation is. Would she accept more care? Could you arrange that privately until she can be assessed by social services?