So frustrated with my dad re moving nearer mum

A friend of a friend has a business based in Surrey where she works with elderly people in your dad's situation and does all the grunt work of selling their house for them and buying another property/moving them into a care home etc. Maybe it would be worth suggesting something like this to him?

I totally agree with this OP. We are in our early 60's and both have some pretty difficult health problems. We sold up and moved long distance recently and to say it was stressful and traumatic managing it all, would be a serious understatement!! We're almost 20 years younger than your Dad, and I can tell you there is no way that I EVER want to go through that again! So, I think by accepting that expecting your Dad to move, doing the whole thing himself is not going to happen, is a good thing for you to do, and if you do both still want him to be closer to you, then as 'SeaToSki' has said, the only way to make that happen, is if YOU do it all for him. I do feel for you, as when you reach the point in your life where parents become elderly and infirm, it really is very tough, and even more so, when you're having to deal with it without any input from your lazy and grabby brother!! I'm just glad that you have the support of your DH and DD.

That’s a huge assumption!

I would try to gradually get your dad to move. Make no comment or pressure about moving. Instead of him travelling to your mam, get him to stay a night with you so he doesn't get overtired. Gradually make it 2 nights "oh dad you look tired, why don't you stay tonight again so I can make you dinner". He may get used to the company and want to stay a bit more.
Or suggest not selling the house but renting it out for a bit. Or him staying with you every weekend and going home.
Maybe he feels selling it is getting rid of all his memories of your mum. Emotional attachment more than anything.

💯

But actually, fundamentally, my brother is who I'm maddest at. He's made zero fking effort. And makes zero with my dad either. Well, yes, that’s his prerogative. It would be nice if he did more, but he doesn’t have to. Reevaluate his position in your life but don’t waste energy on being annoyed with him

I love my dad dearly (stubborn old mule that he is, he has no social life in London, doesn't go out and about but likes his neighbours) Dont underestimate neighbours. I had very little contact with mine, just the occasional conversation. But I felt vulnerable after DHs cancer diagnosis when they told me they were leaving. Going from someone who, at a pinch, you could call on for a dash to A&E, to strangers living next door.

I think you need to see that the situation that for what it is in now, is the one that will remain. You can't expect your df to move now.

But you seem to be shouldering everything. Your dm doesn't need a visitor every day, she's well looked after. Your df does need to consider what he does if he needs assistance too as you can't be travelling backwards and forwards for him either. Your db should step up, but some people choose not to and he's done that.

I completely agree with this post. Good luck though OP, it is a difficult situation but not one that would necessarily be improved by your elderly father moving house.

I was wondering if you could find somewhere for your Dad to rent or even an Airbnb near you so he can spend some time near his wife?

Travelling over the winter months at 80 is not so easy.

I’m glad you have come to the realisation that your father doesn’t need to move to Suffolk @imaginationhasfailedme

He is comfortable where he is, despite the big house being unsuitable. Moving house is extremely difficult especially at the moment with the market how it is. And it sounds like he is ok just visiting his wife once a week. Maybe you should reduce your visits also to reduce the strain. Would she even notice if her dementia is that bad?

I feel bad for you. I do agree your brother is useless and should feel ashamed. But I also feel your dad probably shouldn't move if the reason is to be near your mum. I think it would be a great kindness to him if you told him you've thought it over and are going to stop asking him to move. I think he would be very relieved and grateful.

If it comes to the point that your dad can't look after himself anymore then he could maybe also move to a care home near you. But no need for an intermediate move to be near you and not yet in a care home if that's not what he wants to do. It's absolutely heartbreaking but maybe he realises your mum is gone and he wants to remember her the way she was, not how she is now. Having said that it sounds like he puts in a big effort to visit a lot!

I also think you should probably go easier on yourself and visit less often - maybe once a week or so. You're putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself and it doesn't sound like your mum is in a state where she needs that from you. I'm so sorry.

Your father travels from London to Suffolk once or twice a week…. By car or train? Does he stay with you or do the long journey in a day!

How often do you visit your father?

When he had children, my parents made themselves very available to be GPs but were rejected in favour of the inlaws. Over the years, this hurt both my parents but they never stopped being there for him or trying to be involved and supportive.

sounds like your bother and his parents aren’t close and there’s quite a back story

Are you close to your father OP?

For people who keep saying the OP wants her DF to move but should leave him alone, I think the real issue is now that DF is nearly 80 and has some health problems, how suitable is his home and location when he gets older and more frail?
If his home is well set up, he loves it there, he has friends and neighbours and family to help and hobbies to keep himself happy then fine.
If he might find himself lonely and isolated if he gets more frail over next few years, snd perhaps would have nobody much nearby to lend him a helping hand - except for the OP who then would need to drive long distances to offer support and organise medical or social care from a distance which is a nightmare if you also have a job and a child and your own life/ then he really should move and the sooner the better.

Your mother is safe, warm, fed, stimulated and surrounded by medical expertise

Your father is very aged but still able to live independently. Let him live where he bloody wells WANTS to live for the last years where he is mobile and not, god forbid, dementia stricken.

As for your brother - I can’t comment because scant detail regarding his circumstances and his relationship with his parents - both of which are highly pertinent

In my opinion YANBU.

It's easy for people to say you are being selfish if they haven't walked in your shoes.

If your father has any expectation of help from you when he declines then he needs to get himself nearer to you sharpish. Declines can happen very quickly. Just because he can cope alone for now doesn't mean he will be able to in 6 months. Then you'll be on weekend round trips and no time for your own family.

We had this with PIL. They were going to move near to us. We found a house etc but MIL suddenly couldn't bear to leave her 'sewing nook' at her house. She hadn't sewn for years due to arthritis.

Cue FIL falling when cutting a hedge (when told not to) breaking a hip and DH bringing MIL to us (he was effectively her carer as she was unsteady.

We had months of trying to care for MIL while DH was up and down the motorway every weekend on a 3 hour round trip to see his DF. It was a nightmare and nearly broke us.

Believe me it is bloody difficult sorting out NHS and social care from a distance. You need to be on site to be able to keep top of things.

At this stage you will need to be the driver. Find suitable housing, show him, bring him to look around and force the issue.

Not the point of the OP, but your brother should be utterly, utterly ashamed.

I really feel for you. But you can't go on like this.

Your dad is a frail man who has essentially lost his wife while enduring cancer treatment. He probably found it incredibly depressing to see her every day like that, as you probably do too. He has handed that burden to you. That doesn't mean you have to be everything and do everything.

I think you need to think very carefully about what you can sustain in the way of visits. I go weekly to see my mum and that's quite tiring enough. Talk to your dad about that. It sounds like he burned out seeing her every day, he might be more sympathetic than you think. But even if he isn't- she is safe, looked after. That's the point of a home.

Your brother is a dick.

If you and your Dad both still want him to move, then find a little rental down near you and your Mum, pack up the basics for him (dont expect him to do it) and move him down. Then rent a storage unit near the rental and empty the rest of the house into it (you, not your Dad) trying to sort and cull as you go but dont hold up forward momentum by trying to sort and cull too much. Then sell the house (you, not your Dad) then spend the next year taking boxes over to your Dad bit by bit for him to sort and house hunting..or just let him stay in the rental as then he doesnt have maintenance.

We moved my in laws this spring and they were just stuck and couldnt move forward with any part of it because the whole thing was so overwhelming. If you dont want to have 50 billion conversations that never lead to any action, you just have to do it all yourself. If you can get POA for health and finance I would also do that too as it makes the legal stuff much easie

You haven't said how much your mum does/doesn't know - if it is that her cognition of people and time etc is very poor- it may be that your dad doesn't actually want to be going all the time- he may find it very hard to handle mentally if he went all the time. Given his own age and health issues. It really doesn't mean he doesn't care, he may in fact care too much and it upsets him hugely . Your brother however is an absolute arse.

I'm so sorry OP. I have elderly parents too far away, and it's a continual low-level worry. My only sibling lives abroad, and can only visit annually really. That's just how it is.

I'd do anything to have my parents closer, especially in the (probably) near future when there's only one of them left. But it's too late now and they wouldn't be able to do this, either mentally or physically.

I think, probably, that in the event it is just too much for your father to face moving. It will be his illness, and just the fact of being a couple of years older, more tired and unable to contemplate the upheaval.

If this is the case, look after yourself. You are doing your best and you love your parents like I love mine. In the end, that's the most important thing we have.

I do think it very much depends on how advanced your mother’s Alzheimer’s is. If she is already in the happy oblivious state then you really don’t need someone visiting her every day. It’s very easy to get caught into a routine of doing that, because you feel you should as she won’t be around forever or maybe worry what people will think if you don’t.

If she is not getting anything from the visits then scale them back if that will make your life easier.

I’m impressed that your father is managing to visit weekly still, it’s quite a journey for an elderly person in poor health.

It may be that your father found looking after your mother at home (and then visiting her first care home daily) very onerous & restrictive, no matter how loving their relationship. The illness means their relationship has changed & perhaps he feels he has already lost the person he married.

I agree that he should stay where he has familiar surroundings & friends if that’s what he wants to do. He may be enjoying having a new-found freedom at last.

I sympathise about your useless brother. I ended up being the main person involved in helping my aunt (single and childless). I’d only seen her maybe once a year as a child (lived in a different country) My male cousins who saw her all the time (she babysat frequently & was involved in all their family celebrations) made all sorts of excuses why they could not visit more. I had three small children (theirs were grown up by then) & lived no closer to her than they did. When she went into a home I got her into one near me as it made my life so much easier.