🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

Arse covering does come to mind! The nursing element of care home is one floor with I assume a few qualified nurses and maybe 20 bed rooms. There is a GP who visits, DH has spoken to him twice in 8 months.

The nursing home was organised by SS, I had a quick look at CQC rating, I should read it in more detail I think regards the nursing element.

It maybe the visiting GP advises or nursing home panic when GP isn’t available?

Before MiL was diagnosed and had anxiety and feeling faint and falls, her home GP twice asked her to ring a family member to take her to A&E. DH, son and mostly me, spent hours in A&E. seems to be a default with GPs in this area sadly. After her fall the GP practise sent a GP once and other times always said ring 999. Drives me a bit mad as tests results have been lost and every visit starts with a new set of bloods and review; to add to confusion area has 2 hospitals that paramedics go to and the hospitals can’t access each others records. In 9 months 4 rounds of blood tests, BP, CT scan, 2 chest x-rays, that’s visit after the original fall and two surgeries. Amazing how strong she is really.

I am keeping my distance for now.

nursing home sent her in because she was refusing food & meds (for new chest infection) @Juneday I’m finding it hard to accept that a nursing home couldn’t manage this themselves with better discussion with her GP and family and that they would think A&e to be a better place for a woman like your MIL. I’m very sorry for all concerned, it sounds like massive arse-covering on the part of the nursing home.

Oh gosh Juneday, all those A&E visits can't be good for anyone. I understand that she/family may well want all possible treatment to extend life, but is there not a way of getting that treatment at the Home via say District nurses?
Sorry if I'm completely wrong as different area/situation, but when my mum was struggling a few weeks ago, DNs put her on a kind of 'hospice at home' list and told me that it was not an assumption that she would die soon, more just a way of more gently managing her health. So I think they could for example set up an antibiotic or painkiller drip. Rather than taking her to hospital which is really distressing and where you don't really get 'looked after'.
Just wondered if you could ask about that.

Oh @Juneday thats so hard. Would there be any point in agreeing with the nh / gp care priorities? Does dh have lpa? Refusing a and E admission?
sending triple espresso and gin.

Sorry me again, in need of a double espresso. Didn’t sleep well last night after DH went to find MiL in A&E, nursing home sent her in because she was refusing food & meds (for new chest infection) as well as usual shouting and confusion. DH home and an hour later Dr rings and data MiL really unwell, they will start on some IV antiobiotics but thinks she is very frail and may not work - more or less prepare for bad news. DH wfh & gets a chance to dash back to hospital. MiL asleep.

They thought she wasn’t eating simply because of dementia, DH corrected that. MiL on saline drip and IV drip at the moment and sleeping all the time. They now they say she isn’t so bad and want to get her back to the nursing home.

Whilst I am happy that she is well cared for and comfortable at the nursing home, she could just refuse meds again…. And may continue to refuse food again. In the meantime DH feels he has to visit again at hospital when finished working. It is kind of him but likely she will asleep, if awake she barely speaks & she doesn’t recognise him.

4th A&E visit since May, organised by nursing home. Bracing myself for many more months of this.

meanwhile my parents keep asking when we are going to visit them 🙁

Thanks all, I haven’t visited myself for a few weeks as she was in a horrid place, she didn’t know me but thought I was someone else whom she understandably would be very angry about …. I had to leave the room. I think Ravistgamine makes sense, she has had hallucinations, she’s very unpredictable.

Staff manage it so well, I have to hope GP is making right decisions but equally the mind is so complex !

Two 40 something grandchildren visiting her on Sunday and I have explained - one hasn’t seen her for 8 years - I think it will be a shock. I can’t decide if it is a good idea or bad, but they aren’t my family and not my decision.

🤞.

@Juneday I second 'rivastigmine'. It's OK I think. I could not really tell the difference ever in terms of memory and other symptoms of dementia but apparently it was good for mum's mood. She was a bit aggressive when they temporarily took her off it.

DM has been on Donezepil (made her sick), Rivastigamine (patches, she was allergic to them) and is now on Memantine. I can’t say whether it makes a difference.
She had an osteoporosis clinic last week and her vit D was 20 so I wonder if that might be having an impact on both her mobility and cognitive function. She’s on a high dose for the next 6 weeks.

Rivastigamine? DM was prescribed it and it made her cognitive abilities worse, so after a week or so I asked for her to come off it. Consultant is still keen for her to be on an alternative one but I’m holding out. They’re supposed to reduce auditory and visual hallucinations.

Might it be Resperidone? I've no direct experience with that but have heard that it can cause mobility-type issues or constipation. I'm so sorry the visit was distressing.

Sending love and solidarity to all Cockroachers. I don't really post here but am a long-time lurker; it's such a helpful and kind place for all in the most grim of situations. x

I am assuming some of you will have experience of the various medication given to elderly with dementia and anxiety maybe. We don’t have PoA on health but nursing home does inform us of changes. MiL seems to be on diazepam, antibiotics, BP drug, and now another medication supposedly related to dementia. Any ideas what that could be and experiences of whether it helps? DH only said he thought it began with R. He is usually pretty good, but he had another upsetting visit ….

@PermanentTemporary sorry to hear. Bringing up funeral sounded sensible to me. as you say might save upset later.

When my mother & one of her sisters J in their 80s, had to organise the funeral for eldest sister - it wasn’t easy to get a date for various reasons. They finally got a date that worked. Problem was in the stress of it all they forgot it was the date of their other sisters birthday. !

Oh I'm keen on booking the funeral early. But this is the second big sibling row of 2024 already, it's too much!

Thank you for thoughts and strength x

@PermanentTemporary please don’t blame yourself. That storm was coming however it arrived. Sending strength and gin.

@PermanentTemporary Sending strength on all fronts. The sibling dispute - DBro was virtually booking funeral while DF was in coma. Not easy.

Drifting towards the end here... all would potentially be quite peaceful except that we siblings are now rowing about funeral arrangements. Absolute nightmare. My own fault for bringing it up as I was afraid that if we waited until DM was gone we would be stressed and argue. Ho ho.

The problem is that my Dad is totally meek and mild and will do anything for a quiet life, where my mum is a harridan who will use every trick of manipulation in the book to get her own way (nothing to do with her diagnosis - always been like that!)
You just described my parents. My dad did argue back until about the late 80s and was planning to divorce. Even went to see a solicitor, but decided to give in and give up instead.

Useful tips and info.

DH had to explain to the staff in NatWest, FILs public sector pension provider and the care home about the code last year!

Thanks, @PermanentTemporary. Good advice on the scan, I’ll do that. I also discovered (and am mentioning in case it’s any help to anyone else on this thread) that even if you have an old style paper LPA, if it was registered after 2016 you can get a magic code off the Office of the Public Guardian so that financial services firms can check the detail online. I have no idea how many firms actually know about this and use it, but it sounds potentially very helpful.

I wouldn’t dream of letting the original out of my sight!

My experience with all firms is that they will put their maximum demand up front but will often cave to a lot less if you push back.

One of dh's accounts asked for 13 pieces of paper evidence before they would release it to me. A few weeks later they got in touch to ask why I hadn't responded. 'I've only got four of the 13 so far,' I said. 'Oh that'll probably do,' they said, and it did. So sending a copy is a good idea.

Id also say do scan it in somewhere. A surprising proportion of organisations will accept a scanned copy. The best one to accept a scan was the solicitor in a far distant town that we guessed was the one our Mum had lodged her will with. We were right first time in finding it.

DM has a stairlift and I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of it stopping half way up! I think she gets it serviced regularly, though.

Does anyone on here who has POA have any experience of Scottish Widows? DH and BIL are the attorneys for MIL but I tend to end up sorting bits of financial admin. We need to liberate a policy to pay for the live-in carer that she’s finally agreed to have, and I was wondering how much of a pain they are. They told DH on the phone that he had to send the original: I discovered that their website allows for a certified copy, so have sent that but am expecting hassle.