🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

I've decided to fight fire with fire. I'd I ask "D"B to make a phone call the usual response is a straight no. So, from now on, that's what he is going to get when he issues orders to me. I'll still go and sort mum's meds, take her on outings, split medical appointments with my youngest brother etc. But when I get the "you need to make mum have a cleaner"/make an appointment for x or sort out y or similar messages I won't argue or give any explanations, I'll just say no.

My brother decided to take a new job abroad without any acknowledgement of what that means for me. He’s not somewhere with direct flights to the UK, and it takes 2-3 days to come back in an emergency. Telephone and internet is patchy. So I’m pretty much on my own.

At Christmas he was in the UK and stayed for a couple of days with mum. I shopped for and cooked Christmas dinner for the three of us, bought and wrapped presents for mum in behalf of both of us. I asked him to just bring mum a nice bunch of flowers as she always did like to have fresh flowers on the table at Christmas. And to change her bedding before he left and run it through the machine. Did he manage that…? No prizes for guessing that one.

He’s grumbling about the cost of some repairs, and offering to do it himself next time he’s back. That list of things he’s going to do is just getting longer so I’m just going to get someone in. Of course it means I’ve got to organise it, but then I’d have to organise things to be ready for him to do it so it doesn’t mean that much more work for me in the long run.

I’m luck to have a DH who is a fully fledged adult and does his share at home of housework, planning and admin, so finding myself lumbered with DB’s “wifework” is particularly galling.

I'm happy either way, I do see what you mean Mere but the combined space is OK with me. I might try not to bring huge problems here because it's a recurrent identical crisis and really quite dull but I don't mind at all if others do. The mix of mundane and extreme kind of fits our lives i think.

It’s hard to make sense of, isn’t it!

Correct! Pop down to the off licence later to claim your prize!

@greenbeansnspinach are we related? We seem to have the same brother!

<Hands Greenbeans the gin bottle marked C>

@SeriouslyAgain wrong answer. You have one more try …

Greenbeans, I'm sure he went dashing over and is currently prepping some lunch and a lovely pud for after the walk he's going to take her on?!

I'm happy with the cafe (though perhaps it needs a gin bar next door 😂) but I'm very much a newbie! Has it taken on a bit of a life of its own?
I do sometimes feel bad about not responding personally when people are having a really hard time. But I hope that everyone knows that this is a caring space, and even if there aren't many responses, many people will have read and understood and be sending good wishes over the ether?! I certainly am.

The advantage of having a long running general thread is that it drops off the Trending lists and you tend to get contributions from forum regulars who understand the “culture”. And newcomers who tend to read the room a bit before diving in. Whereas a new single topic thread on Trending or Active attracts posters who are not regulars in Elderly Parents, who can post like it’s in AIBU. Especially difficult if you’re dealing with a difficult, emotive topic.

Mum, 93, living “independently “ with dementia round the corner from me. I do all meals, washing, appointments, finances, maintenance, take her for walks. Brother lives ten minutes away. Husband also has ongoing serious health problems requiring us to go to A and E this morning. I messaged brother to ask if he could ring mum (I usually ring at 9.30 on the dot every morning). Anyone guess how he responded? A) of course Greenbeans, and if she doesn’t reply I’ll pop up. Don’t worry! B) Yes, shall I take her a sandwich and her evening meal? C) I’ll try once but I’m not hanging around all morning if she doesn’t pick up.
???

Also happy with a combined space. It can be harsh out there, even in the Elderly Parents forum and even with seemingly "more trivial" issues, let alone more major ones, as I've found to my cost.

I'm happy with a combined space.

I personally don’t mind the mix of big problems and little grumbles - as an ongoing chat thread i think that just reflects the nature of our lives. We’re all operating at different levels of stress and abilities to cope, one woman’s trivial vent is another’s big problem.

if someone did need ongoing support fora particular issue we could always gently encourage them to start their own thread if it did become too dominant. But I’ve not personally noticed that over the last thread or so.

Sounds like a good plan @MereDintofPandiculation. It’s good to see people bringing their problems and I feel I have a lot to learn from some who’ve been in this game longer than me but I also want to have a little trivial moan now and again (hearing aid batteries, sigh).

Goldenballs has already got my back up this morning. After Friday emergency dash to mum that took 5 hours and yesterday's panic with DH I pointed out I have work to catch up on and it's a busy period anyway so unlikely to be able to make some of important phone calls for a couple of weeks. He replied "Fine". He is retired and living his best life having moved to the other end of the country. He checks mum's bank account weekly and orders her repeat prescription on an app. Tasks that over a month take half the time it takes me to drive to mum's for my weekly trip to sort meds, check she's OK etc. But he is so hard pressed by it all and does soo much. Arse.

Oh can you? Off to investigate alarms. That will be very helpful, presuming she’d hear it and recognise what it is…

The bath does have an overflow pipe but it obviously can’t cope with the volume/rate coming out of the taps.

mum was fretting about taking up the Lino to dry out but I don’t see the point as it’s a one off rather than a leaky pipe. The heating is on all the time and the bathroom has a ventilation brick so I’m all for letting it dry out naturally.

I think you can get alarms that stick on the side of the bath and go off if it reaches a set level.

No help with undoing the damage of course, but might help prevent repeat occurrences.

@funnelfan my friend's gran did that. She was living with friend's mum. Mum went outside to put the washing on the line and stayed out a few minutes longer to chat to a neighbour. Came back in and gran was sitting where she had left her. Made a cup of tea, sat down and water started coming through the ceiling. Gran had started to run a bath, forgotten and come back downstairs in those few minutes. That and the plastic kettle on the gas hob while mum was stripping the beds were the final straw and she went into a home.

Just a minor vent - mum flooded her bathroom and it went through to the room below and the wallpaper is now hanging off the ceiling in that room.

I can see how it happened as she loses track of time - one time I was there and she’d got bored halfway through getting undressed and gone back to bed and I just caught the water before it overflowed. It’s frustrating as she decided a while ago to only have baths when someone was there as she was not confident at getting in and out in her own. So this risk wasn’t on my radar at all.

It’s sad as that house used to be immaculate as my parents were so houseproud.

@countrygirl99 sending very best wishes to your DH.

Oh countrygirl99 I'm so sorry. I hope he recovers soon.

Thanks everyone. Very relieved by the diagnosis. I got the call to say he was at the hospital pharmacy to pick up his prescription so left work then got a call to say there's a massive queue so I'm parked up in a nearby supermarket waiting for him to call again.