🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

I agree with dropping “cockroach” as it always makes me feel queasy, but we CouId go *new name (formerly known as Cockroach) for a while, like x formerly know as Twitter, so people can still find. But if people are attached to the name Cockroach Cafe I do understand! It’s funny and quirky x

My vote would be for two threads and absolutely dropping the Cockroach name. (Sorry, Yolo or was it laterally YoloPenguin? I hope you are OK wherever you are.)

Just realised that OTBT threads get zapped after 30 days. It is helpful if people can access old threads while searching.

My understanding is that if a thread is on the OTBT board (off the beaten track) it doesn't show in trending, active and in searches. This could be good to avoid AIBU pile ons but would make it more difficult to find (but people could signpost from elderly parents board?).

I think it's good for big problems to "hide" among the chat but I do get what IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere means when she says she sometimes just wants to say she feels sad but feels it's not a big enough problem. I think the cockroach cafe works well as it is, but as you say there are many opinions.

I think the "sudden changes in mood or topic" could be disconcerting but sometimes reflect life caring for elderly parents, we are used to that.

I have found these threads really helpful over the last 5-6 years as we've been waiting for the sword of Damocles to descend (4 DPs and PILs from 85-95). It's falling now but in slow motion!

@PeachPots

I'm with you on that .

I see what you are saying, and sometimes the sudden changes in mood and topics can be a bit disconcerting. I would agree re. a re-naming too. Personally I’ve never been keen on the cockroach name, even though I (sort of) understand the explanation. Conservatory reminds me I haven’t got one ! Maybe another kind of cafe? An “Everyday cafe” - but with a better name than that?

I’m currently accessing CBT through the NHS talking therapy service for anxiety. https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service/. I’m not sure it’s what you’re looking for but I would say I’ve found talking therapy interesting so far and hopefully I’ll come out of it with some new techniques to better manage the pit of doom sitting in my stomach. I hope you find something that works for you.

If its not too much to ask, is there any sort of counselling out there that anyone can recommend? I am quite conflicted emotion wise at the moment and the sadness of losing one parent to cancer and probably the other to dementia is all mixed up with anger, fear and guilt. I'm working on acceptance but its not coming easily to me. I don't know how some of you sound so sane and how you keep your shit together.

I’m a lurker mostly but really value the cafe - would love it to continue and happy with either format. I don’t post much as I am v fortunate that my v frail DM is in supported accom and for now has most of her marbles so I have a far lighter burden than many of you.

Hello and welcome FiveFoxes! This is definitely a place of kindred spirits!

I'm grateful for this thread because it's been so helpful to chat to people who are living your life. I recognise some names from my time on the coal face but I'm out the other side now. No more 50 minute round trips to the care home only to find that MIL won't see me as she doesn't have a daughter in law this week. I haven't shed a tear over her death because the woman I knew has been gone for years.

I'm still picking up little treats for her with my shopping then I catch myself and put them back on the shelf.

@funnelfan I know I’m missing mine and she’s not dead, but I occasionally still get a faint glimpse of her in the woman that now inhabits her body.

I know exactly what you mean and I really don't like visiting my dad in the nursing home even though he's content there. He's just not the dad I knew and I cry most times when I leave but I'll never admit to that in real life.

Welcome to newbies/lurkers. Sorry you have to be here.

@funnelfan mum is still with us in body and occasionally in spirit. Today I was talking about a friend I had seen in town and explaining who she was to my uncle. I mentioned that she and her husband had decorated mum and dad's living room and mum said "It was the middle of the night," (it was - they decided to do it around midnight!) "But of course that was before they got married!" She remembered that from over 30 years ago. She doesn't know my name or where she is but she remembers the house being decorated years and years ago!

@FiveFoxes That's exactly how I became a carer for mum. I have (in mum's eyes) a goldenballs cousin. However the difference is that cousin is the most amazing support to me and I could not cope without her. Mum knows my cousin but will scowl at me and ask "Who's that woman you've brought with you?" Mind you one of the residents at the home was convinced I was actually triplets because my hair and clothes change so often!

Hi all. I hope you don't mind if I join you in here. I have been reading the thread for a while to make sure it is and feel I have met some kindred spirits. My Dad died suddenly a few years ago and I have been supporting my Mum since then- first with the jobs my Dad used to do because she was overwhelmed, but now with more and more. I am currently awaiting her diagnosis which I am pretty sure is Alzheimer's having literally just lost my FIL to the same thing. I work part time (had to give up full time because of my Mum) and have teenagers and a DH. I also have a "goldenballs" sister who thinks that calling Mum once a week (at he most) is enough. Mum is refusing any help in the home and accused me of stealing her music this morning. I would like to hang out here with you all for the occasional rant with people I think will understand. My real life friends sadly/happily don't get it.

I'm also missing my mum and she is very much alive.
Luckily she can use what's app and loves an emoticon, so a 😁 can do a lot of heavy lifting.
I know she misses having my dad to moan at, her local friends have been amazing, I suspect they all talk at each other.

I'm a newbie to the cafe but I've found it a massive help in the last few months navigating the loss of my DF and realising the extent of my DMs cognitive decline. So for what its worth I'd be happy for it to continue.

I also agree that it's nice to have a single space where there is a mix of chat, just like real life. It reflects life, with all its ups and downs

Sometimes I just want to post that I miss my mum but when someone is dealing with real issues I don't want to post in the middle of that

i can only speak for myself, but I am not at all worried that if I post something serious, the next post could be something light hearted or a bit of a vent. In fact I’d be grateful that I’m not bringing the room down too much. I’m surviving with a lot of black humour so I say bring it on.

oh and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere missing your mum is a real issue too. I know I’m missing mine and she’s not dead, but I occasionally still get a faint glimpse of her in the woman that now inhabits her body.

Sometimes in the stress of the sort of everyday crisis we encounter from time to time, I don't know whether I'm dealing with a big problem or just need to share my frustration. I love that you're all here either way to help me work it out without having to decide which cafe/bar to head for.
And I enjoy the levity of a bit of Goldenballs amongst the awfully challenging deteriorating health stuff.

As a “graduate” of this thread having lost dm last may I do like seeing familiar “ faces” here and also want to try and support those still at the coalface and reassure that yes many of us share a brother or two…..
I like the idea of a separate “bar” - is the off the beaten track section one that doesn’t show up in active?
and it is awful to see the pile on sometimes “you’re lucky to have a mother” etc etc…..
Sorry @MereDintofPandiculation not sure if that helps? Cafe signposted to support those wrangling elderlies? And the cockroach bar for chat?

I like the idea of two spaces - maybe a cafe for serious issues and a bar for light hearted issues.

There was that awful thread where the poster's mum was expected to move because her friendship with another resident was upsetting his wife. The poor woman was really set upon because the thread came up in trending. So I can see why the Cafe is a safer place. But if there were enough of us to visit the Bar (or whatever) and keep it light and supportive the Cafe could carry on being the place for more serious issues where people don't want to start a new thread.

Sometimes I just want to post that I miss my mum but when someone is dealing with real issues I don't want to post in the middle of that.

My best friend's brother got a job in USA and moved just as their DF was losing his eyesight, could no longer drive, and their DM had a heart op. Came back to UK once every couple of years and was treated like the prodigal son.

My friend was unwell and had to leave her job, her db (very well paid with no family or dependents) sent £50 a month to pay for her petrol (doesn't cover a quarter of the cost of running her parents around!) Now friend's parents are mid 90s. Her db has retired so the financial contribution has stopped. And he's moved...

... to Alaska!