🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

Ahh, found you all, hello again!
Thanks for new thread @MereDintofPandiculation
Sorry for your recent struggles @countrygirl99 and I hope you and DH get some peace now. Wishing you strength - and robust mascara, again.
Nothing new from me. My brothers are distant. Work is awful, DH and teenager are driving me to despair so that for the first time in a long while, DM is a minor blip on my radar - I’m grateful for small mercies!
Keep on everyone, I’m always on the bad daughter’s bench if you need me!

@countrygirl99 I’m so sorry for you and your family. Hope your Dh can find some time to recharge.

@DahliaMacNamara he really was. He's been starting work early and not taking a lunch break so he could drive an hour to the care home and sit with her for a couple of hours. He's self employed, it's very seasonal and this is his busy period. He'll need some time off for all the arrangements but then he'll need to reschedule customers before Christmas so it will mean long days and extra at the weekend. He'll need ho break between Christmas and New Year.

Your DH must be knackered, @countrygirl99 . I hope he's able to cope with the loss once he's had time to process it all.

PMK for the new cafe though my last set of questions about others experience of their parents having full time help at home is now irrelevant as my DH and his siblings felt it was time for my MiL to be in a home.

So she’s now in a care home. She wasn’t able to be on her own anymore, but my god, it’s not ‘living’ to just be essentially in a holding pen waiting until death. The staff seem to be mostly nice carers at the home, but it is all very transactional. Get them up, washed, toileted, clothed, fed, repeat until bedtime. Next day, same all over again.

I wish there was a better way to live out their lives even with dementia.

@countrygirl99 sorry for your loss, yet also understand your dh getting a good sleep - that waiting period is exhausting.

MIL and FIL had moved into a care home in April (thank goodness) and MIL died in August. Everyone is adjusting to the new situation. FIL has dementia which has deteriorated a lot, his conversation makes less and less sense and if this rate of decline continues I don't think he'll be really conversing much at all in a few months time. That's hard for dh and his siblings but at least he often doesn't remember that his wife of more than 60 years is no longer with him, so he is not in the deep drief he was a couple of months ago.

FIL no longer knows who I am, so there is not much point in me visiting on my own. He still recognises his dc though - long may that last.

Glad she is at peace and reunited with your FIL @countrygirl99.
Thoughts are with you and your DH.

Thanks everyone. We knew the end was very near Thursday when she stopped wanting to kiss FILs photo first thing in the morning. I'm not religious at all but I do like to think that they are together again now.

Sorry for you and your DH @countrygirl99

Sorry for your loss, @countrygirl99 .

Glad your MiL is at peace@countrygirl99

@countrygirl99 sorry for your loss

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew MIL passed away late yesterday evening. DH is finally getting a good night's sleep so I'm putting up with his snoring for once.

@countrygirl99 been thinking of you, how are things with you, I saw your poor Mil is still holding on. Hope you and DH are ok and can get some rest xx

@MotherOfCatBoy hoping my DH will
do that within a year. He has had Mates rates from a great friend who has only just sold her garage and retired in her 70s (fabulous women who ran the garage with an all male team). DH has proudly refused to understand cars and maintenance so when his car gets a genuine expensive problem it will be a shock.

That sounds tough @Lightuptheroom but it’s for the best. My DF gave up this spring at the age of 94. Now has a good relationship with the local taxi firm. One thing that helped was pointing out that the combined car tax, insurance, fuel and parking would in effect be a taxi fund. That made sense to them.

At least my mum gave up driving willingly. It was after dad had to give up due to his eyesight and she realised she would have to do all the driving. She aways regarded it as a necessary evil and they always regarded it as the man's job and were astonished that DH and I share the driving. FIL only gave up after police involvement after an accident.

I have said before I am sure, but the lack of understanding by some doctors and other staff when it comes to potential dementia is shocking. We were lucky with MiL GP but just before diagnosis audiologist was dreadful and getting really irate with her. He called me in to show me how to put hearing aid in - I pointed out I didn’t live with her, wasn’t her daughter, and only saw her once a week. So he suggested she download an App. I looked at him exasperated. Needless to say she only wore the one aid (another NHS c… up) when a relative visited and put it in. Now she has lost it! They are starting the whole process again next month - her dementia is significantly worse, not sure how appointment will go. 😮.

@Lightuptheroom can you immobilise the car somehow for now until she maybe has to accept it, would the police talk to you do you think? My DM has lost all confidence driving after a road rage incident from
some cyclists I think - DD selfishly moaning that he is her taxi service. He has insured her car again, she can’t even get in and out without help, is deaf and won’t admit and never seems to wear her glasses??

@WhatHaveIFound very similar. Mum hadn't had an eye test in 5 years, then various dents and marks started appearing on her car, including reversing into their gate post. She then agreed to see the optician who promptly ordered her to stop driving until she had her new glasses. 2 weeks of sheer hell followed as she'd decided the glasses should be ready 2 days after the test.
Glasses duly collected around 2 weeks ago and now this, so perhaps the optician raised a concern!
She is even more stubborn than a mule.. tells friends that we all want to put her in a home, and has now told friend she really wants a stairlift.. except it's a housing association property with a disabled extension on the back to meet my dad's needs and they don't need a stairlift!
Her conversation last night was repeated word for word 6 times in 10 minutes..
GP still refuses to do anything other than state he may have to section her!

It's hard to get stubborn parents to see the doctor. I suspect mine lies to me about going to appointments but it's difficult to challenge her.

My mum was only complaining last week that she couldn't see a thing. She did add that it was close up but has been putting off having an eye test for the last four years. Apparently she has finally managed to book a home visit next week.

My DH & DD are hoping they'll tell her to stop driving!

Hello, had a phone call from my mum that 'they' had taken her driving licence away. After gentle questioning of a VERY angry mum, it appears 2 policemen visited her and she failed the reading number plate test. We assume that she also managed to hit something and didn't stop for them to be visiting in the first place. No idea what we do now as she doesn't believe in showing us letters etc.
Needs to see GP, states her leg isn't working ,won't even entertain an appointment so I then get very worried friends ringing me about lack of GP appointment. Thing is she's now cancelled 4 gp appointments

Hello, just checking in to say thanks for the new thread and welcome to newbies and lurkers.

@MotherOfCatBoy My DM is the same, for as long as I can remember she has had disordered sleep. She tells me now that she "never" sleeps, and that when we think she's sleeping she's actually just lying there with her eyes closed. That's not really true - she falls asleep during the afternoon and evening and her sleep is so deep that it's difficult to wake her. In fact, it's such a deep sleep, it worries me.

Ooh, @MereDintofPandiculation don't know but they are good. I shall nip to Morrisons and we can do a taste test.