🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

Absolutely understand it @NefretForth.

Spent a small chunk of yesterday in A&E with DP's dad, and stayed overnight with DP at his mum's, though in fact his dad was brought home at midnight and we didn't have to go and get him.

Multiple strands of emotion, two of which are exasperation with Dp's dad for winding himself up so that he didn't wait for the very good Hospital at Home service but insisted on having a miserable time at A&E: plus a feeling of gloom that by falling for DP I've landed myself with a fourth set of fragile elders. I suppose I could refuse to get involved. Not sure how though...

Another strand being a sense of interest that dp has not yet made the switchover from the child role to the carer/parent role. His mum and dad still sound to him like the dominant, intelligent bolshy adults they always were. Which they are, but I don't think he really sees the new incredible fragility and the need to be a bit more proactive. The best example is that he's still asking his mum whether she wants him to bring the car round (answer, oh no I'll walk, in the cold and rain, stumble shiver) rather than just GOING to get the car. And because I'm a relatively new girlfriend rather than a stone faced longstanding wife, there's a limit to how much bossiness I can unleash. But I have said to him that next time do try to get his dad to wait for community services, or if not, for him to be the one that sits in A&E. But maybe dp is right and won't burn himself out the way so many of us do.

Another one nodding in sympathy. We get it. @NefretForth

@NefretForth with you too, always feel
that it might show that I am DiL not DD too… hope hospital gets their act together and your MiL is comfortable at least. 🤞

@NefretForth Mere is right. We've all felt like that at times.

Thank you, MereDint

Hello everyone, I’m a long-time lurker and occasional poster on these threads and always feel a bit embarrassed about posting, I don’t have anything like the challenges some of you are facing.

MIL (age 103) is back in hospital. She’s been in and out for the last few years with unexplained episodes of vomiting and diarrhoea. Hospital totally chaotic, don’t have access to any of her notes and for some reason keep telling us they don’t have BIL’s phone number even though DH and I have both given it to them in the last 48 hours. She’s had enough and just wants to die peacefully. DH was going to visit tomorrow but they rang up this morning (woke me up at 6.30) to say she’s very confused and anxious and doesn’t think her sons know she’s there. I’m hoping BIL can visit today, otherwise we’re going to have to cancel our lunch plans and go after church. I feel very bad about resenting that, but I’m afraid I do.

@Limetreee @MereDintofPandiculation my mum had a brain scan in September when there was a thought that she had had a stroke. I was told by the GP that the scan showed evidence of historical strokes and vascular dementia. From what Mere says I wonder if the changes and her other symptoms - cognition/language/lack of mobility - were put together to make the diagnosis. To my knowledge she has not had a memory assessment although she doesn't have the language to answer anyway.

MereDintofPandiculation. Aah thank you for that, it makes me wonder if they’ve even looked at the brain scan for dementia as it was done in A & E when she was complaining of a strange feeling in her head. SW still deciding if she needs a care home, and if she does which type, so I suppose someone will need to decide which one. have a meeting on Monday. 🤞

Hi my mums still in hospital after been taken in with confusion and high bp. The GP thinks she has vascular dementia. We don’t have a formal diagnosis, I told the hospital this, they did a brain scan, which came back normal when I asked if they could diagnose dementia they said no she would have to go to a memory clinic as dementia can’t be seen in a brain scan. Any ideas ?

Yes I think it’s important for someone to be on hand to ensure whoever is doing the assessing gets accurate information when dealing with elderly and/or potential dementia patients. I’m surprised it isn’t insisted on given they are relying on the memory and truthfulness of someone who has memory and perception issues.

although having said that, mums memory clinic has a nurse attached who does home visits and we agreed it would be best for her to do it on a day I wasn’t there to get a realistic impression of what mum’s like day to day at home. The nurses report was actually fairly representative of how mum is, which I think is reassuring.

@countrygirl99 clever lady but worrying too. currently discussion on women’s hour about blood tests for Alzheimer’s and how it is more common in women and how they can use tests to start early treatment. Worth a listen.

MiL got her apoointment within about 6 weeks, DH sat in and didn’t mention the hallucination she had a week earlier and whilst she was diagnosed with dementia, type possibly mixed, parts of the long diagnosis letter and advise was based on inaccurate info she gave. Such as she has a regular gardener who helps her out (not true, she would ring help the aged 4 times a year for a 1 hour gardening slot), she implied family did all her shopping and cooking, and it rad as if we were on call for all her needs which we weren’t, we did the shopping only (although offered her Sunday lunch she always turned it down) and she overstated the help of a local befriending service. Read the diagnosis letter carefully…. And if you spot errors correct them and send it to her GP. We/she did get given lots of info about local services, day centres and charities which was useful.

Mum got her memory clinic appointment very quickly.

She had her first memory test over the phone October 2020. Repeated a couple of weeks later as she told us she'd "passed with flying colours" and we didn't believe it. This time DB was with her and realised that when they asked her to remember 3 words she was writing them down, time of day - looked at the clock ( though telling them to the minute should have been a clue), time of year looked at the date on the paper. All good coping mechanisms but when DB took them away she thought it was spring 2003.
Memory clinic was before Christmas and brain scan early Feb.

Of course she doesn't remember any of this and so as far as she is concerned she has never seen a doctor about her memory so why on earth does everyone think she has alzheimer's.

9 months from referral to diagnosis. I only think we got it so quickly as Dad had a fall requiring hospital stay and they did his brain scans. So we didn't need to wait for that part.

does anyone have recent experience of memory clinic referral wait times after GP referral it was four or five months for us, but mum was referred from hospital rather than GP. The social care assessment took six bloody long months and the admittedly very nice social worker turned up in the day we took mum to A&E as she’d been having “funny turns”. (GP consulted, said take her to hospital, so we did). Hospital assessment then overrode everything the social worker said. And that wait is in a relatively naice area with a council that isn’t going bankrupt.

@HibiscusIsland1

it's probably dependent on your area sadly.

Thanks All. Social Care assessment and attendance allowance application are both on my to do list. She's had her cataracts done in done eyes over past 6 months - persuaded her to go private as its a 2 yr waiting list in her area and 80% vision loss already in the worst of the 2. After both ops I put carers in place to administer the drops for the following 4 weeks and must admit it was a relief to know she was having those drop-in visits. She's very resistant to anything I put in place (meals, carers etc etc) but does then accept it eventually. Her eyesight is now better than mine and will hopefully mean she can maintain some independence and quality of life for longer. Sorry we are all going through this but hopefully we can support each other.

PS does anyone have recent experience of memory clinic referral wait times after GP referral.

Welcome @HibiscusIsland1. It sounds like you’ve put some of the essentials in place already. Next step may be a social care assessment to see how your mum is managing at home and whether carer support will help? I live a couple of hours from my mum with dementia and knowing she’s checked on 4 times a day is great for my peace of mind. They also helped with mums personal hygiene as she was getting a bit whiffy but in denial.

yes yes to all the admin, shopping, organising, house maintenance etc. it’s never ending isn’t it!

Welcome@HibiscusIsland1 to the friendliest thread no one wants to be on. Ask away.
Does your dm have attendance allowance/ reduced council tax due to dementia diagnosis? Have heard admiral are v good if in her area.

Hello all, I've just found this thread and am posting for the first time having read numerous threads on the Elderly Parents board over the past few months. I'm pretty sure my 81 y/o Mum has Dementia. Lockdown did her no favours and I feel accelerated what would've developed later. She was completely independent before lockdown. I'm an only child, 47, have 2 children (11 and 13) and work - thankfully part time with a Friday off else I don't know how I would've managed. I live an hour's drive away. Currently awaiting memory clinic appointment after GP visit last week, have POAs in place already and now have own bank card for Mum's account (previously i was incurring costs and she'd reimburse via cheque but this eas becoming unmanageable). Meals on Wheels in place for past month (she was no longer heating up ready meals) and are going well though, often as not, she only eats half of an already smallish portion! Personal hygiene isn't what it was - she has a particular aversion to hair washing. No longer uses washing machine, gas hob (though may be a blessing!), living room fire (does use central heating), vacuum cleaner. Her short term memory is zilch! A gradual decline has really accelerated over past couple of months. She doesn't think there's anything wrong. It's a depressing situation since it's only going to get worse. I do all her admin, organising appointments, shopping etc. Just here for advice and experience as time goes on.

@countrygirl99 my FIL also has some of those attributes not the Black Beauty / My Little Pony ones

@Cockroachmum the care home MIL was in had regular Shetland pony visits. DH suggested I take my horse (looks like the love child of Black Beauty and My Little Pony) but he would definitely have shamed himself and is well known for his trumpeting farts so best not.

They are Madagascan Hissing cockroaches, I think. One lived in our airing cupboard for a month after it escaped! As far as I know the residents love them. I've sent the link to this thread to my daughter so someone may reply. They do sometimes gets requests not to take snakes or tarantulas, usually because one of the staff has a phobia.
Our local care home had a Shetland pony come to visit & they took it upstairs in the lift 😂. Mind you, it shamed itself on the beige carpet!

@Cockroachmum good to see you! Great erm… enrichment for residents! As none are left behind!