🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

Better one person suffer than two.

@funnelfan - really thoughtful of you. I'm so low I have lost track of time somewhat but just happened to look here tonight (I no longer have this on my watched threads so not caught up with everyone).

your mum needs feeding and is still refusing a care home?

In terms of where I live, I'm almost at D day, though the bloody solicitor has said that for ages. I wish I had put a bed back in the old flat in September and stayed there.

Someone mentioned "the path of least resistance". I think that's staying put and letting the sale go through. Selling a London high rise is not easy and the legal bills are high whether I pull out or not.

But...I increasingly feel unhappy living in this tiny, not soundproofed, poorly managed flat. It's winter of course, which doesn't help.

But we have one more hurdle to clear before exchange - allegedly - and if it's cleared, which might even happen today, then I suppose I will know how I feel. I think moving back will be very tough in its own way. It's the harder option but while it's a really shitty area, it's a bigger flat, it's a well run block, and it's home.

Someone might be about to get a nasty shock when he thinks he's ready to exchange. I have told the estate agent how I'm feeling so he might have prepped the guy but I doubt it.

Bet your bottom dollar that if I move, mum will have a fall the minute the removal van gets there.

She has got rid of her carers and does little walks on her own. I don't take it seriously because I'm constantly braced for the next crisis.

@funnelfan well spotted, yes she got her mother moved across boroughs so that she could look after her and set her up in her tiny house in the back room. MiL is not a confident person, says sister is more intelligent, sister better looking etc etc and sadly DH father was not a good husband. She didn’t have a good life until he died when she met and married a widower who was kind and gave her some confidence. SI feel for her, and DH, they were both made homeless because of his father. DH barely talks about him and family fall outs stem from BiL defending his father who died quite young leaving behind two families! Eldest BiL has become friends with other family which his mother has found really upsetting but can’t bring herself to discuss it with him. Now can’t remember thank goodness. That’s the short version 🤣.

Sorry if you’ve said this before@Juneday but has your MiL been a carer herself for an elderly relative? I think those who espouse those views and yet have been carers themselves have had very socially conservative views and/or been fortunate to have supportive families. Otherwise I tend to view those statements as somewhat naive and not reflective of modern family lives & relationships.

Thank you @thesandwich. We all deal with these emotions and demands differently - I come from a no fuss don’t complain and with supportive DS and DSiL & DH comes from drama Queen type with countless fall outs - couldn’t even sit certain family on same table at our wedding many moons ago. I no longer know who is taking to who and why they fell out….

@funnelfan you are not hard hearted - you cannot do more especially as your DM has declined the likely most sensible option. I am certain my DM will be the same if she finds herself in similar health and situation - she has invented solutions in her head just in case - The solutions do not exist in reality. Will cross that bridge if and when we come to it with supportive like minded siblings who would take your view too! I have likely said before my aunt, a 89 yr old spinster agreed a home was best - I told MiL my DM might find her a care home and she said ‘no dear families don’t do that your mother will be her carer’ I said ‘no she won’t, her family don’t think like that and not do I’ I realised then when she moved near to us she thought DH encouraged it so that we could be caters and she looked a bit shocked at my words. This year she said I wasn’t a good daughter in law - during one of her psychotic periods before going into the nursing home. I think she meant it in a small way.

@funnelfan completely agree with everything you’ve said.
And @Juneday how frustrating- sad, and expected.

I feel very lucky that MiL is in a nursing home and I only had the stress and frustrations for a short time. BiL visited her this weekend so had a nice break. He reported back, that she said DH and I have stolen her money and gone on loads of holidays with it and haven’t been to see her for a year 😮.

The daily visits, shopping, washing etc all
forgotten. 🤔.

luckily BiL knew she was taking rubbish. But I do look forward to a thank you one day from her family…. In my mind I will likely loose touch with DHs nieces and nephew, neice who didn’t turn up two weeks ago and nephew who never gets in touch. We will likely not see much at all of one BiL and keep in touch with the slightly irritating but more supportive BiL & his wife. Although as we are having a moan, and get tired of how she picks and chooses the Gunn’s she offers to do - basically anything that gets her glory - so buying the one Christmas present the care home suggested - why they spoke to her not DH and I who are local and visit the most, bought all her new clothes because she has lost so much weight etc. MiL won’t notice I expect.

To address this bit - well that’s at the core of what I’m trying to work on, particularly when getting anxious about making everyone better and comfortable etc. From what I’ve learnt, sometimes you can’t fix things, particularly other people, and it’s a case of accepting that. What is the worst that could happen? Is it likely? Could you live with it?

Eg in my case I live 100 miles from mum. She declined to move closer to me after dad died, and she’s declined to move into residential care. I’m giving up half my weekend by driving over every Sunday to do her shopping and check she’s ok and do paperwork and minor maintenance around the house. She’s not doing as well as she could if I lived with her, as carers just don’t know her or have the time to notice the little things. But I’m not prepared to give up more of my life than I already have to support her, when she has already declined to do the things that would make it a lot easier all round. She did all the care for her mother and she really resented it, so I know if the woman she was 20 years ago was here she’d agree with me, and dad would too if he was still alive.

So I (and mum) have to accept her care is good enough - she’s warm, safe and comfortable. It’s not as good as it could be, but that would only come at the cost of my sanity, my marriage and my job. I’m not prepared to sacrifice those any more than they have been already because I’ll want/need those long after she’s gone.

i know some non-regulars on the thread may read this and think I’m a hard hearted bitch, but I think the cafe regulars will understand.

@countrygirl99 "I sometimes think they do it deliberately to make you feel guilty."

DH and I had a long planned break - 4 nights away visiting our two sons. DM had a stomach upset the day we were due to go away and didn't want to eat. I was so cross with her as I knew she was resentful of me going away without her. All the time I was away she got worse, wouldn't eat, was being sick and I was torn between going home early and staying.

We came home as planned and she deteriorated through the week, a couple of GP visits and within a week she was in intensive care with sepsis and a perforated ulcer!

I know she wasn't putting it on but if she hadn't always been miserable and anxious when I left her I would have had more sympathy. The guilt gets you whichever way you turn!

@MissMarplesNiece @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere i don’t disagree that there’s a balance to be struck between rights and responsibilities. But I think it’s helpful to be reminded that we matter too, and it’s ok to have our own lives, priorities, emotions etc. it’s in a chapter about self-care and putting on your own oxygen mask etc. I’m particularly reminded of Emma’s situation (not tagging her in case she’s having a needed complete break). We all joke about the bad daughters bench but honestly we help no one, especially not ourselves, if we’re not even a little bit selfish sometimes.

if I find something helpful during the later chapter on boundaries I’ll let you all know!

@NefretForth FIL had an emergency admission to hospital the night before we went on a very expensive and covid delayed holiday to celebrate our 60th birthdays and Ruby wedding. MIL who needed 24 hour care was still at home because he'd been resisting her going into care until the day he had 3 bad falls only 2 days earlier. Luckily things were in train and BIL & SIL could step in for 2 days until she could go into a home.
My dad was admitted to hospital when we were spending Christmas with our son who lives abroad. The first time we had seen him in 18 months due to covid restrictions.
I sometimes think they do it deliberately to make you feel guilty.

@NefretForth you can set your alarm
that there will be a crisis at exam time. DM sectioned same week as A Levels and GCSE. DF had horror fall the morning of the Leavers’ holiday to Ibiza. Impressive that your antennae already on alert to the possibility.

The Bill of Rights is wonderful but what happens when it conflicts with your reasonable responsibilities - not the unrealistic stuff that people put on us but just ordinary responsibilities we have as decent human beings. I guess that is where I have always struggled with boundaries. I know what I want for myself (and since mum went into a home I have pretty much been able to do it) but until then it was really hard to know where to draw the line.

"I have the right to say no to demands I cannot meet" But what about when you're the only person willing to even try to meet it, and that if you don't try (even if trying half kills you) then someone will suffer?

@funnelfan thats excellent- wish I’d had that many years ago!
That needs to be framed and hung in the palatial bad daughters room!

I’m currently working my way through a self help book based on REBT, similar to CBT, that is about reprogramming how I think when I’m in a shit situation. (Had to do something while waiting for talking therapy on the NHS, waiting being the operative word). Anyway, it introduced me to the Personal Bill of Rights, which I found very helpful. I’m linking it here for anyone else who may be feeling burdened by caring responsibilities.

https://www.etsu.edu/students/counseling/documents/stressgps/personalbillofrights.pdf

@PermanentTemporary the 9 years started with MILs stroke, then FIL got cancer, then dad got very frail. Mum only got problematic in 2020 when she couldn't understand that it wasn't reasonable to expect a 93yo who could barely stand to do half the housework including taking hos turn at ironing. I'm convinced lockdowns sped up her decline and memory issues.

Sending solidarity and sympathy from a veteran of this board. Recognise so many of the issues- and no wisdom to add I’m afraid.
Except do all you can to protect yourselves and your family. In so many cases it’s a marathon not a sprint.

@countrygirl99 I think so too. We never got to a diagnosis for DM but she was definitely declining cognitively before her stroke. I have to say that that doesn't sound like early dementia... the length of it all though. MIL has so far done 4 years in the nursing home. She's not suffering i don't think but that's the best I can say.

@funnelfan I think most people on this thread are dealing with multiple situations or are the sole person for someone very stubborn. Sounds like you have both 💐

@PermanentTemporary you are so right. I often wonder if early alzheimers is the most difficult phase as mum is absolutely convinced she is fine and manages the house and admin perfectly well with no help. Meanwhile we are running round sorting out crises and making sure stuff that needs to happen does or it wouldn't.
DB1 does all her finances and has even been paying her paper bills since she got in a mess in January. But mum thinks she does it and he just "sticks his beak in from time to time". Mum hasn't paid the newsagent since November but is convinced she does every week. Ditto sorts her insurance (DB has sorted the last 2 renewals) but will then turn round and say she needs to change the mobility scooter insurance from dad's name to hers - DB did it straight after dad died January 2021 and it's been renewed twice since.
We are nearly 9 years into issues with our olds and there's just mum left now but she's 85 and her family tend to live to late 90s. It terrifies me. We've never had a good relationship. DB1 was the golden child and I was never the girly girl daughter she wanted. Much preferred football or building dens in the woods to dressing up or playing with dolls.

God @countrygirl99 no you're not a bad daughter. Tell you what, ill make you feel a better daughter by having a rant.

I'm fed up with the elders today. Maybe I should take a mental break. Not one of them would think they should be able to mend their own cars, but somehow having a cleaner is giving in (unless of course it's their daughter). Pure sexism.

Off to see DM today. Tired of the whole bloody lot of them. Need to buy the Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring.

DH reminded me yesterday that his maternal grandmother lived to over 100 and still had all her faculties and mobility and his mother is still going strong in her 80s and looks like she’s inherited her mothers longevity. Which is good for him but bad for the idea of having any nice Christmas for the foreseeable future. I do get on with my MIL but she is a terrible host as she would be first to admit and she refuses to travel to us and DH is an only and she has no other family so there’s no way he’d leave her on her own.

Meanwhile my DM is still on a downward slope to who knows where. Still at home with carers 4x a day and me visiting every weekend to do the shopping and check in on her. Yesterday she gave up eating halfway through her tea saying it was too tiring and asked me to feed her. That’s definitely a new one. If we get through this winter with her still living at home it will be either a miracle or a complete cock up.

Round 2 if trying to convince mum to get a cleaner. Still failing. My tactic of leaving a bottle of harpic by the loo as a reminder didn't work - she just put it in the cupboard and it's still full. The loo, needless to say, is just a filthy as the last time I went up.
I refuse to give in and clean myself as

1. I hate doing my own cleaning let alone someone else's.
2. she can easily afford a cleaner. She gets a good pension from teaching and barely spends anything. Has £500-£600 spare each month.
3. it will only reinforce her belief that she is managing without as she'll forget that I did it not her. I'm a bad daughter aren't I.

5 years and counting. I reckon she could easily go on for another 5, there's nothing fundamentally physically wrong. (Mentally is another thing, she has vascular dementia.) I'm already beginning to think through how we manage if there's a crisis in the middle of DD's GCSEs. I work full time, BIL works full time, DH works very part time so he can be around for DD. MIL is two hours from us, naturally somewhere with no public transport.

I too have brain freeze thinking about it. DH and BIL are not young themselves (I'm a bit younger but will need to work for a long time to come). It's so exhausting and there's no reward for anyone - it would be easier if MIL were happy, but she really isn't.

Oh phew @NefretForth at least you didn't have to tear up your Sunday completely. How long has your MIL been frail? My brain freezes at the thought of doing this for another 15 -20 years 😳

That sounds no fun, PermanentTemporary.

BIL got to the hospital yesterday so we managed to have our neighbours to lunch as planned. DH is going to go today, and apparently they might send her home tomorrow. More may become clear this morning. Or not - this is a hospital she hasn’t been in before and they really do seem to be struggling with admin, so we can’t rely on anything they tell us.