🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

@funnelfan I've not taken my mum for her winter jabs yet either. Like you, it's the thought of the struggle getting there and back. Her GP surgery is particularly difficult. It's at the top of a short but steep hill and since the carpark is tiny, I invariably have to park 100m away and push DM up the hill. "What's 100m?", I hear Usain Bolt cry. Well when you're young and fit, Usain, it's nothing, but when you're a 63 year old disabled woman pushing a wheelchair, it's a bloody long way.

Thanks for replying, that made me laugh! The right number of "ba's"!!

I have thought that, she only drives locally, she's late 70s. There's no dementia or anything (hopefully), it's more the disorganisation ie forgetting to renew insurances etc.

She's always been like this although getting worse.
She would be lost without her car although it may happen.
Just put me in a bad mood again which happens a lot, so much else could say. Not fair on my DH and DCs.
Anyway, thanks for listening!. I read the Bill of rights and agree, hard to put it into practice at times though. I've tried to take a step back but always seem to get drawn into things.
Take care of yourselves everyone!

@MissMarplesNiece it does seem like our respective mothers are channeling their inner toddler at the moment. Forgive yourself for shouting, you’re only human. And your kindness needs to start with yourself. I knew exactly what you mean when something that sounds simple like taking her to an appointment is so exhausting. There’s just an assumption from mum now that I’ll sort everything, and it’s not a big deal. I’ve not taken her for her Covid and flu jabs because I can’t face the wrangling, it feels overwhelming just trying to make an appointment and sort the time from work. She doesn’t leave the bed let alone the house, so hopefully low risk.

@EmmaEmerald will your reply to the other solicitor end in “off”? On a serious note, I hope the move home goes well and low connectivity may help, because the less time you’re on here the less time you’re thinking about your mum’s situation.

ThisisPlanetEarth (ba ba ba, be ba ba ba ba)

I don't blame you for giving up. Should she be driving? Will the authorities be able to stop her now, if she ought not to be on the road?

MissMarple I really worry about you, not least because I don't want you to end up like me. What you are doing is extraordinary but you are not Wonder Woman, no offence!

I have now been forwarded an email from the buyer's solicitor, timed at 10pm, with a suggested exchange date. Fucking arseholes.

@MotherOfCatBoy I think there maybe some truth in what you say because when my BiL said he'd help her off with her jacket DM said she wanted "mom" to do it.

My DM doesn't have dementia, some cognitive decline I think, that gets worse when she's tired like she is tonight.

I try very hard to be kind. My DSis said old people's worlds get very small, very concentrated on themselves, I try to remember that but I'm just so tired tonight. Too tired to even bend down and take my shoes off.

That sounds totally unreasonable @MissMarplesNiece
Do you think it’s some kind of role reversal Parent is now the Child wanting to be mothered again thing? Which is why she doesn’t want your BIL to step in?
Completely selfish obviously. But I do wonder if there is a late in life kind of reversion to toddlerhood.
Do you think you could possibly remind her of her mother?
You can’t do it all though. I’m not surprised you snapped after all that!

@EmmaEmerald I'm glad things are working out for you - long may it stay that way.

I just shouted at my DM. I took her to the diabetic clinic. Had to park a long way away - all the blue badge spaces taken. So, so physically difficult to get her in and out of the car. Pushed her in her wheelchair over bumpy pavements, sloping pavements where the chair veered off course, squeezed past van parked on pavement. Then the whole journey back again after clinic to the struggle of getting her into the car. I was on my knees. I really don't think I can do that again.

Took her to Macdonalds because she was hungry and didn't want to go home yet. Then clothes shopping because that's what she wanted. I don't know how I managed; that sounds so feeble, but I was exhausted. But I wanted her to have a nice afternoon.

Back at my sisters (where DM lives) she asked me to take her coat off and help her upstairs because she was too tired. My BiL told me to go sit down, he'd do it. She shouted at him and told him she wanted me to do it. So I shouted at her. Now I feel so bad. Its like whatever I do is never enough. I'm so tired now that even breathing is hard work. I'd quite like to cry but am just too tired.

Good luck @EmmaEmerald
The fact you called it “home” says it all really.

funnelfan and Mum5net

Thank you. I think when I get back the first thing I'll do is write "be kind to yourself" on the wall I used for work plans etc.

Interestingly, mum's doctor groaned when I said I'd moved.

I probably won't be on here much as I don't know when I'll switch my internet package so I'll be running on mobile data. I thank funnel for posting the Bill of Rights and I hope we'll all take it on board.

Look after yourselves please....I think we all expected a marathon but not one that continued for several years.

I don't blame mum for me moving, I left a rough area but a well managed block of flats with more square footage is a better place to be while I knit myself back together.

Hi I'm not sure this is the right place to comment but my mother has been caught by police driving without an MOT. Didn't know it expired and when asked can't remember when it's due. I need to look up online.
So much else I could say, always had a difficult relationship with her. Of course I'm always the one she phones up, other siblings not interested. She has always been unorganised with stuff, house is a mess but she has refused to clear stuff out so I've given up.

@EmmaEmerald now be kind to yourself.

The decision is made now Emma, hope this brings some clarity and lets you move on.

Thank you thesandwich

@EmmaEmerald hope this brings you some peace.🌺

okay, it's done

I'm going home.

Sorry I know this isn't really an Elderly Parent topic but there's too much backstory to explain on the property board.

Oh no, you poor thing

I tried to tell the EA I was pulling out if I didn't get solid news before 4pm but he's in a meeting.

I'm weeping, drinking and smoking. Why is this so hard.

if I'm going to hate where I live either way, it makes more sense to stay in the bigger one I think....

I am sat in the diabetic clinic waiting room with DM. I don't think there is a person in the waiting room that she hasn't passed a loud remark about, generally not complimentary. I would like to hide under the chair 🙄

I used to tuck mum into bed, that's how much love we had 🤷🏻‍♀️

now here we are. Sigh. So feeding might be a comfort thing for some I guess.

yes @funnelfan she got rid of her carers but I can't let that influence a decision that is primarily financial.

we pay a private care firm and they told her for three weeks that she didn't need carers. She kept them a couple of weeks after that at my insistence, but then I took her to the supermarket and she was fine, she made a chicken casserole while I was there last, and I thought, yes, okay, time for me to stop insisting.

Thanks, that makes sense and is reassuring in a way

@funnelfan My mum has episodes of strange neediness too. She uses her walking frame and stairlift without issues but then will say to me things like "I can't walk to my chair, will you hold my arm and take me" - just a few feet across the room. I think it is that she needs "psychological" comfort rather than physical help, iyswim.

@EmmaEmerald good to see you. Put yourself first in whatever decisions you make.
@dint that’s very useful!

Glad to see you Emma. But your mum has got rid of her carers?! Yeah, I’d be hot footing it back to your old flat.

My mum is capable of feeding herself, I’ve no idea what the “feed me” thing was about at the weekend. if I had to guess I would say it was due to lack of energy and effort than cognitive decline. But something (new) to keep an eye on.