🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

@Diamondshmiamond it is incredibly hard. DH had to clear his parent’s house after his Dad died, and his Mum had to go into a care home as she has early dementia and unfortunately alcoholism (she was drinking herself to a stupor and falling and had to be medically dried out in hospital).
It took him nearly a year all told and many many skip loads. It didn’t help that it’s a 2 hr motorway journey away so he would go down for weekends and blitz it. We have some things of sentimtenal value (paintings, jewellery) but we had to get rid of a lot. We gave crockery etc to charity shops, I sold tons of stuff on EBay and transferred the proceeds to MIL’s account, and bizarrely we left stuff outside our front gate (our area is like that) and loads of it was gone in a flash - particularly kitchen utensils and bowls etc, I reckon someone stocked a whole kitchen that summer!
But it is mentally very hard, as you say it seems as if the whirlwind wind of time has blown through their life and your life with them. It is very sobering.
PILs never cleared anything in 40 years. It has taught us to declutter seriously as I don’t want to put DS through that.
MIL is now pretty happy in her care home.

@MereDintofPandiculation I understand why MIL could be difficult but FIL would often sabotage efforts to help him by saying MIL wouldn't like it or by insisting he was the only one who could look after her. Usually just before he had a massive rant toMILs sister about how nobody helped him or gave him a break.

On a lighter note, my mum has quite perked up this week as a new man has moved into the home - very dapper and gentlemanly. My mum beams whenever he's around and has said she fancies him. It's blatantly obvious too. Poor man has only just lost his wife- hence coming into the home now she isn't there to help him - and now has dm constantly smiling and waving! Very glad it's perked her up though.

No cockroaches yet, but the home did have some lambs wearing nappies in spring that raised an eyebrow!

Thanks for the welcome. Funnelfan- having something your dad made is so personal. Could you cut it smaller so it could fit somewhere? So hard to let go of!

Photos are a good idea - I found my grandmas old house coat, which rhe moths had got to, so just took a photo and binned it. Tbh I'm relieved when I find a box I can just tip in some ways!

We will rent some storage for some antique furniture and paintings my dm did, and put off sorting those til later. A friend of my mum's gVe me copies of lots of letters my mum wrote to her in the late 60s/ early 70s. It's lots of stuff about finding the house, hoping they could buy it, choosing all the decor, my df doing renovations. So sad to get all that info now when we're selling the house and my dm can't remember anything.

Best wishes to everyone on this thread - I agree it's not a place you ever envisage getting to

Welcome @Diamondshmiamond, it shocking how much of our lives is taken up by elder care and the role swap with you taking on the parental caring role. I’m dreading clearing the family home too, my parents moved in as newly weds. While mum is still there I try and tackle one shelf or drawer per visit to nibble away at the task. I’ve been doing the kitchen and thrown away loads of packets and tins of food 5+ years out of date. some old herbs and spices dating back to the 1970s, they had no aroma left at all.

One tip I read was to take photographs of items that have memories but realistically you can’t keep. For example, I found a single, chipped, bowl remaining from the dinner set we had when I was a child and the pattern took me right back. Picture taken, bowl thrown away. DH and I live in a small house with very little space for more “stuff” so things I’m planning on keeping are irreplaceable items like photographs and letters and jewellery and small sentimental items like an old penknife belonging to dad. I’ll find space for those. mum’s not bothered and tells me to take what I want, I’m far more sentimental than her. Dad built me a bookcase when I was a child but it’s low and long and will only fit in my old bedroom. That will be hard to let go, he was a carpenter and I don’t have anything smaller he made for me.

@Diamondshmiamond welcome- sorry you’ve got to join us. You’ve got the
double whammy with care and house clearance- while your dm is still alive. Is renting storage an option? Anything you can outsource?

@Diamondshmiamond I think there are many on this thread who understand how difficult it is to clear out an elderly relatives house. I still get upset thinking about it now.

Just found this thread and would be nice to join...

My context... Dm is 84 and moved into a care home almost a year ago. Prior to that she had multiple carer visits per day, but then started to leave the house in the night so after a very stressful period we decided the time had come for a care home (she has alzheimers).

Dm is absolutely lovely, and actually pretty content, but what's stressing me at the moment is having to sell the family home to fund her care. It's where I was born, and hasn't really been looked after or sorted beyond the bare minimum for 20 ish years (df was ill for 10 years, cared for by dm, then as soon as he died she sadly started to deteriorate). It's heartbreaking trying to sort all their things - like throwing their lives away - but we have a large 4 bed house, garage and attic to clear. Like wading through mud. I wouldn't believe how many trips to the tip/ charity shop we've done, but barely made a dent. I want to hang onto everything!

I'm fortunate that dm is close by, in good physical health, and pretty content at present, but all my spare time when not working/ looking after young dc/ my own chores is spent on her house and I feel I never have much time to see her. Like others have said, I'm desperate to get her some fresh air but time issues, the constant rain, and her becoming increasingly unsteady due to lack of exercise are making it tricky.

Very grateful for her being so lovely, particularly after reading what some are struggling with here. But I feel I've had an ailing parent for 20 years now and it's heartbreaking.

Sorry to hear of all the other elderly relatives making unwise decisions that make other people's lives harder.

MIL is out of hospital, but now DH and DD have the lurgy so can't go and see her. (DD off school today and feeling very sorry for herself.) She made the choice years ago to live in a village with no public transport to speak of (one bus, once a week), in spite of encouragement to live somewhere on the railway line, and we just can't get there very regularly. As DH gets older I worry about him doing a 4-hour round trip in a day, but between work and weekend commitments it's hard for us to do the trip together often.

I absolutely vowed when MIL first got frail that we wouldn't spend DD's childhood stopping her doing things because of MIL's needs, and I'm very thankful I did because it's five years and counting - DD is 13 now. I'm not so much a Bad Daughter as a Terrible DIL. My own mother is OK for now, but I can see that just as MIL shuffles off this mortal coil DM's needs will increase.

Best of luck with the social worker, funnelfan.

I’ve tried her GP surgery and they said they aren’t offering it, but I could try again maybe. The complexities for me is that any vaccination causes mums temperature to rise for 24-48 hours while her immune system kicks in. A raised temperature, even a slight one, makes her so much worse, so I would have to plan to stay over. She’d need more care than the carers would be able to give. It’s never simple.

i has a call this morning from a social worker. Apparently mum should have had a six week follow up visit when she was discharged from hospital the first week of January, to check the assigned care regime was working for her. The poor woman I spoke to has been handed a wodge of files of people who had slipped through the net and she is trying to fit them in in her evenings. So another weekday trip over next week, but the timing is actually quite useful. I think mum is very close to the point that residential care would be a better solution all round. Having an independent assessment from someone new will be very helpful to me, so preparing a list of questions for them now!

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew i have sympathy with the frustration of your dad having his life consumed by this - mum similarly had her life constrained after dad had strokes. I can go with the idea that it’s about control, and just general frustration about the whole situation and maybe a touch of “who is looking after ME?”. In hindsight, mums cognitive decline was also starting about then, which is probably what hindered her ability to think round a problem and come up with a solution. Her comfort was in the routine and the familiar, even if it was making her life harder. She couldn’t cope with new ideas, new gadgets, new ways of doing things. I also got “your dad wants it like this”. (Dad still had most of his faculties to the end and was perfectly capable of making his feelings known but went along with things for a quiet life).

That was supposed to be a reply about winter jabs.

I managed to get the practice nurse to come out and do DMs. A miracle but I laid it on thick to them. Is this worth a try?

Depends on what the demand is and the timing. And what the person who will "suffer" has done about it.

It's one thing if the elderly person you're with has fallen, outside in the winter and you need to wait for an ambulance.

It's another if you're several hours away and they've refused to put in place sensible suggestions that would remove the need for most of the demands.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I see my FIL has been reincarnated! We realised that a lot of what he was insisting was what MIL wanted was actually what he wanted. MIL was paralysed and couldn't talk so she couldn't contradict him. MIL could be difficult and heaven help anyone who put her drink the wrong side of her plate at mealtimes or who put sufficient paper napkins out instead of a pile but he needed to be in control. We gave up trying to take him out for a break because he would be fretting and on the phone to whoever wax sitting with MIL every 10 minutes.

Yes a lot of it is letting off steam but it causes stress to the ones who have to listen to it.
There is no answer but as you say he could make his life easier ie leaving her in bed for the carers to get her up. My mother was the same, always hovering about and doing things before the carers came then constantly moaning about stuff. There were a couple of great carers, a few not so good.
If you know she is safe and well cared for, could you take a bit of a step back.

Yes he is doing a fantastic job but just can't acknowledge that sometimes it is better for him to sacrifice what she would prefer for what is easier for him.

there's no answer, I try not to give suggestions any more because they are just ignored and a lot of the time he just wants to let off steam, but he's making himself I'll when he could make his life much easier with just some simple changes

My father was disabled before he passed away, happened gradually due to a neurological condition.
My mother was his main carer despite them having a 'bad" marriage, constant arguing, hostility etc. I used to get this all the time from my mother, moaning about things but when I offered a solution offered to phone someone tomorrow things, she wouldn't let me. He ended up in a nursing home which she didn't want, wanted a specific place that wouldn't take him.
Was obsessed about "what other people would think". She ended up with serious health issues at one point although she had treatment which helped.
With hindsight I think a lot of it is about control. My mother wanted to have complete control over everything. I was like you, going over there most days, turning down more work so I could jbe there.
Think it really affected my mental health and I said I wasn't doing it again, as I was doing most out of their children. Wasn't fair on my family either.
I had said on my previous post I have taken a bit of a step back but I'm always the first one she phones as I'm the one most available, 2 siblings do nothing. I help usually most weeks with cleaning etc when I can but it's better when she's out the house as she gets in the way!
There's always guilt but she makes me anxious.
Is your mother being well cared for, do you think? If she is, I would maybe think about not visiting as often although it's hard I know. I've had years of it, also had it with my in laws before they passed away.

I need a bit of a vent ladies. Sorry for length.
Dad has really had enough of everything now after having cared for Mum since December 2020. He often moans he can't cope with this much longer, she'll have to go into a nursing home "next year" etc etc, all fine and totally understandable.
last night Dd had to stay at their house as we were both on night so I was there to take her to school. He had a massive hissy fit about how his hip was in agony, he can't deal with mum any longer and how none of us know how difficult his life is blah blah blah.
again, understandable but HE WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO MAKE HIS LIFE EASIER.
they have careers in the morning to get her out of bed and dressed. Except he insists on getting her up on of bed on the Sara steady and into her wheelchair. He then pushes her into the bathroom for the carer and back out of it when are done. He will not countenance leaving her in bed. Just absolute refusal because "they don't have time to get her out of bed" which is utter bollocks. Whenever I am there they are sitting down for at least 10 minutes of the call chatting. Also " she won't be left in bed". She's paralysed and can't speak so doesn't really get much choice. But she wants to get up so dad will not say no to anything. I have pointed out that if he makes himself so Ill he can't looks after her a nursing home won't be dancing around her every whim.

likewise the carers put her in her nightie but as mum doesn't want to go to bed when they come then they leave her in the sitting room and dad puts her to bed - using the Sara steady. Putting her in bed at 8.30 is not an option apparently. She "won't" go to bed til 10

she is catheterised and drinks loads of water as she has heart failure and kidney problems. Dad empties the bag constantly into a small yoghurt pot. And then goes to the loo with it - sometimes every half hour. I've suggested using a bigger receptacle. Or plugging it into the night bag so it can be emptied just once in the morning. He won't do that because she wouldn't like it.

he won't book any respite care whatsoever because he "can't afford it". He has around £400k in the bank.

he wakes up at 5am and gets up. For no reason whatsoever. then moans he had to get up at 5 every day. He could just go back to sleep.

I can't help him any more, I used to feel guilty about not doing more (I work 10 day shift pattern, I go in for an hour on my earlies, at least an hour on my late, maybe on my nights during the evening on my way to work plus one full day per week which I have to fit round my shifts. And they usually come here on one at least of my rest days. So out of a month there are probably 8 days I don t go in - and those are when I'm on nights. They live 20 miles away, fortunately on my way to work.
But this refusal to make even the simplest of changes that would make his life easier, well I had a bit of an epiphany today. He won't help himself so I just can't sacrifice even more of my family time to do more for him when he stubbornly will not meet me halfway with any suggestion I make

I know all areas are different but my Mum's carer got the local nurse to come to her house to give her the flu and Covid jabs. She phoned the surgery and she was put on a list to be done at home. Good luck and a to all.

I bet Usain Bolt would tell you to take a step back

probably literally, as he'd push your mum up the hill too.

ThisisPlanetEarth sorry, everything's an earworm in my world 😂