🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

I will likely get a voucher for the senior nurse/temporary manager, who has been so helpful and towards us, her positive attitude is amazing and her ability to tell the truth, which isn’t always good, gently and kindly is a priceless skill. MiL doesn’t remember any names and her description of her favourite, who does most of her caring and accompanied her to hospital, doesn’t fit any of the staff a six foot Danish lady with long dark hair🤔. I will ask in the office. Half the staff join the residents for Christmas lunch willingly, which says something.

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. DM still drives so no problem getting to the home and back and she promised me she will have something more exciting than a cheese sandwich for her Christmas meal!

Not a olds problem today but a "why does my DH have no common sense" problem. He thought he'd give me a nice surprise and mend my horses stable door for me but he's made it worse - when I got to the yard after a day in meetings in London I could only open it just enough to get my horse out to clean his stable and he banged his side going back in. Literally half an inch either side. Stable is in a barn and there's rubber matting down the aisle as the concrete gets slippery. I askedif he'd checked the door opened after the repair and his answer was "yes but I had to roll up the matting out of the way" 🤦‍♀️. So tomorrow after work I need to undo his repair and fix it properly, before horse decides it's impossible to go through, when I could have done it in a leisurely manner on Saturday.

@Tupperwarelid it is absolutely fine to do what you want on Christmas Day without obligations to others.

We had two blissful Christmases in 2020 and 2021 when it was just me, DH and child and it was so much more enjoyable!

@Juneday what about a couple of cases of cans of drinks ? I imagine they will be inundated with chocolates. Plus people that are on special diets can always have a can of fizzy drink whereas they might not want/be able to eat sweet stuff.
likewise grapes, crisps, other nice easy-to-eat fruit

@Tupperwarelid The first 2 Christmas's after MIL had her stroke she was still in a care home and FIL was able to spend the entire day with her including lunch so fingers crossed all will be well.

@Tupperwarelid heres a comfy chair, a coffee( laced with a little something) and an entire pack of custard creams( other biscuits are available) No slaps here, just a gentle reminder that you and your dh and Dc are entitled to YOUR Christmas the way YOU want it. To give you the energy to keep going. Your plan for Christmas Eve sounds perfect.
I can imagine your dm would be v welcome at the home- check up yourself if it would help you…
🌺🌺

Of course it’s ok, it’s not like you’re ignoring them over the Christmas period if you’re visiting on Christmas Eve! I’m sure your kids would be happier at home too. I remember Boxing Day was always a cold day in the car to see my grandparents, when I’d rather be at home playing with my new toys. They might be a bit older than that but a chilled day at home just doing family stuff sounds in order. You can call/FaceTime and leave presents and food for the day in the 24th.

can your mum get herself to the care home to see your dad?

Can someone give me a slap and then pass me a biscuit? Apologies for mention of the C word but it is nearly December and I can't put it off much longer. DF in care home, DM at home on her own.

Sibling going to inlaws on Christmas day and then on holiday over New Year, plans to visit parents on Boxing Day. They have never been to parents on Christmas Day and have invited them to theirs a couple of times when both where fitter and healthier and could travel. (They live about an hour away).

We live about 1 1/2 hours away and the only time I can remember having a Christmas on our own is 2020 when we were in lockdown anyway. We either travel down there or have hosted them with us or been with in-laws. Now DF is in the care home, DM wants to visit in the morning and if she can't have lunch there, go back again in the afternoon.

DH and I are exhausted as we also have his elderly parents still alive and needing increasing amounts of help and support, children in their A level and GCSE years and just general life grinding us down. We decided last night that we would have Christmas Day at home on our own. Obviously my sibling doesn't feel guilty about leaving DM on her own on Christmas day so why am I dreading telling her what our plans are? We will visit on Christmas Eve and plan to take her and DF out for lunch.

Can someone tell me this is ok?

Thanks all. @MereDintofPandiculation good to know, I’ll check, although they came with the recliner so I don’t think there are brakes.. I wish there were!

As for the toddler demanding to do up their own coat - hard yes to that. I can understand the need to cling to independence but the bit I get frustrated with is that if they actually let me do some of the things to make life easier, they would have more time and capacity to do the things they enjoy. But they seem to enjoy having problems. And yes, I’ve often thought they should have divorced years ago but my Mum would have sunk without my Dad tbh. They never seem to have worked out that they’re actually on the same team, they spend their days bickering, and as they age it just gets worse.

@Limetreee good luck with care homes and I hope it doesn’t drag out much longer. I think the vibe from staff is so important, MiL home not palatial and decor dated, but staff are kind and knowledgeable and food is good. She put on weight after only a few weeks.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew love the lessons theory. I did notice with MiL that she over complicated and fussed about things for several years before dementia kicked in - she had a fear of running out of batteries and light bulbs - tiny flat and I found 40 various batteries and light bulbs that didn’t fit anything she owned because she once read in the dreaded fear mongering paper the Daily Mail that the government was making certain lightbulbs ‘illegal’. We had to tell her police were not going to take her in for using the less energy efficient bulbs! Every beep from her oven or other item illicited a panicked phone call and a visit from DH. And when she changed to a new milkman she was so worried about her milk and bread being taken or going off - who knows because she made up stories about people on her front garden at that stage - she got up at 4 am to bring it in…. then was exhausted but couldn’t get back to sleep. We cancelled the order and took to buying it for her instead. The relief of not having all this to worry about now she is in a nursing home. Just starting to buy a few little treats for the staff for Christmas. Ideas welcome.

Hope you all had a good nights rest, you all do deserve it. Caring is the most frustrating thing thing ever ! I’ve popped my head out of the bad daughters room, oh I am very bad 🤣 I’m in the midst of looking for a care home for mum she’s currently still in hospital, taken in for confusion headache and high bp six weeks ago.
I’ve visited four this week only one stands out, old dilapidated building but clean and the staff seem great. Social working dragging her feet because mum still insisting she’s fine and doesn’t need a care home. Even though at 92 she’s needing washing and help with toilet. So frustrating 🤪
I’m worried now it’s Thursday and as you all know nothing happens on a weekend and I need to get this sorted before I collapse in a heap.

Welcome to our thread newbies. This time of night the gin and crisps and chocolate are out, help yourselves.

I’m reading this while lying in bed in my childhood bedroom, mixed emotions. Have come over tonight as mum has a visit from the council social care team tomorrow so I’ll be WFH from here. I arrived then went to the shops (forgotten how much more civilised it is at 9pm!). Mum has been asleep all evening, she don’t know I’m here yet although I did tell her several times today I was coming. I expect I’ll get a visit at 3 am when she goes to the loo. Her carer rang me this morning to say she thinks mum has a UTI again, which would explain the uptick in confusion so at least I’ll be on hand to deal with that. Steeling myself for the 8am GP call queue. Thank goodness for flexible working hours and my brilliant boss who knows I’ll be making up any time lost while I’m here.

@MotherOfCatBoy i'm pretty sure they must get lessons on How To Make Life 12 Times More Complex Than It Needs To Be.
I went to pick up mums prescription that I dropped into the GP on Sunday on dads request as I was passing. Unfortunately she has one prescription issued by the doctor for about 9 different thing and one prescription issued by the pharmacy for atorvaststin.the pharmacy had only issued their half of the script.
oh my actual fucking god the DRAMA. Dad went on and on and on and on and on about it, "it was dropped in on Sunday in their door" (yes dad by me) stressing and fretting, counting boxes of medication, trying to work out how many days of whatever there was left then losing count and getting muddled up. It took about 8 times of me saying "there's nothing we can do now, just stop worrying about it" before he finally decided to eat his dinner instead.
I will pass the pharmacy 4 times tomorrow. I said right at thr beginning of the chat "if it's not right I'll just pop in on my way back from school and sort it out they can just issue it tomorrow if it's not there". This was not enough though, it had to be chewed over again and again why it wasn't there, how very urgent it was (she won't run out of anything until Saturday) and who I needed to speak to, in what order and what I should tell them. you wouldn't think I was nearly 50 😂

Welcome @Vegemiteandhoneyontoast and @TesterPotQueen

Can I have a moan? I need the Bad Daughters Sofa this evening.. It’s not as bad as some, it’s small things, but so frustrating.

Visited Mum & Dad as usual this afternoon (weekly). Went something like this -

DM (87) has pulled back and neck muscles doing too much gardening. But was up til 3am last night and decided the utility room floor needed cleaning. Suggested now might be the time to talk about getting a cleaner again (as they did pre Covid). “No, I don’t want that.”

She was in a foul mood because DF had thrown out a pile of newspapers in which somewhere was an article she wanted to keep. They had been there for weeks, she hasn’t done anything about finding it but is livid now he’s tidied.

Tried to fit castors cups to DF’s (95)new recliner that he didn’t want but DM did and now it keeps zipping away from him on the hard floor. (DF falls often). DM complained because she won’t be able to move it when she cleans (every 6 weeks at best). They didn’t fit anyway. Ordered new ones.

Changed the battery in DM’s hearing aid and told her I’d found the instructions she lost, online. “That’s no good to me.” I guess I’ll print them for next week. Tried to persuade her to put the aid back on. “I haven’t got time now, I haven’t eaten today.” She got up at 1pm today. Wandered off to the kitchen.

Eventually got out of her that she hasn’t had a follow up appointment since she got the hearing aid. Googled Audiology dept, emailed for appointment, I will take her when it comes up.

Explained to DF how his new noise cancelling headphones work. He bought them to drown out the TV that DM turns up to absolute maximum (see hearing aid above). It won’t totally cancel out the TV - he thought he was buying silence, but it’s a bit closer I suppose.

Took cheque to pay into bank, letters to post, left DM lavender cream for her back, skedaddled to pick up DS from school, an hour away. Back next week with more jobs.

i try to limit it, I don’t do everything, I don’t clean for them because they have the means to pay for a cleaner, but I try to do things where I think I can have a quick win or make a genuine difference, and help with things they can’t do so well (including the Internet). But man do they make it hard. If there’s an easy way and a hard way, they pick the hard way. And it makes me annoyed, and then eventually it makes me sad. And weary.

Hi @Vegemiteandhoneyontoast and @TesterPotQueen there's tea in the pot and cake on the table.

DHs phone just rang and I instantly tensed before I remembered it wouldn't be MILs care home any more.

@Vegemiteandhoneyontoast and @TesterPotQueen Welcome! I credit this thread with keeping me sane - Ive had understanding and good advice here.

Hello everyone, I am very glad to have found this thread. My dad is nearly 91, still living independently at home but needing more and more interventions and things sorted out for him, but I am finding him and his attitude SO difficult. He won't acknowledge that anything needs assistance and regularly tells me it's none of my business. I don't have time to write about the latest things now but just wanted to draw up a chair and know that this thread is here.

@Vegemiteandhoneyontoast you are very welcome! So much experience, wisdom and humour here. And unlike some other bits of mnet we get how challenging elderlies can be.

Thank you! Been reading the thread the last few days - everyone seems really nice and there's a lot that looks familiar. I'll post in the next day or so.

Welcome @Vegemiteandhoneyontoast 🍷this is the friendliest, most validating thread you wish you weren't on xx

Can I join? Think I'll be needing this thread very soon.