🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

My parents had the undertaker in their wills - happens I went to school with the funeral directors sister and he’s a friend on fb. Therefore messaged him after my father passed, which was in hospital so not as urgent, and I didn’t expect an immediate answer. See it came to me to message having a drink that night (ma happened to be in rehab care home so I was safe to have a couple). He called straightaway to take some details - I thought he asked for my father’s mum’s details and gave them, only he’d asked for my mum’s details - this came to light on the Monday when he called to confirm other details - yes, quite mortified 🤦🏻‍♀️ And yes I will have to use the same ones for my mother 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

@Juneday While DH's family were waiting for DMil to go into carehome they arranged via POA for DMil's freehold to be paid. To be fair it was something DMil wanted to happen for the last decade, and then, when DMil was admitted to the carehome, it was one less thing to worry about when they were clearing and selling the house to pay fees. Your situation is not strictly the same but it's a very sensible route and I cant imagine anyone objecting.

Oh @countrygirl99 it sounds like it was a very fitting send off for her. After dms funeral I could really understand the importance of the rituals, and felt such relief after. Take it as easy as possible- and well done with the tissues. Hold on to those good memories.

@thesandwich we are OK but shattered now. Currently sitting down with a glass of wine and contemplating whether we can be bothered to heat through pre-cooked curry.
I always go to funerals with a handbag well-stocked with those little packs of tissues because blokes never seem to think they will need them. DH did and so did DS1, my boys were very close to their nan. DS2 watched the live stream so had to sort his own tissues. 4 grandsons carried in the coffin in the coffin which was a bit of a tear jerker. MIL was a lovely woman and more of a mum to me than my own mother has ever been. Before her stroke there was nothing she loved more than fussing over her grandchildren and even after nothing made her more happy than seeing them.

MereDint, thank you. Sadly (for me!) she's not in a care home 😂. I've just seen that although you have to register a death within 5 days, the powers that be are a little more lax over Xmas.
Generally I think it looks like I could just give the live-in carer a bit of support and then escape back home to DC and plenty of alcohol!
Now that I've done all this research of course, it won't happen anyway so hopefully I've tempted fate in the right direction and Xmas Day will be death-free!

So glad today went well @countrygirl99 🌺🌺. How are you doing- and dh?

Funeral went very well. Youngest BIL played MILs favourite piece on the clarinet that brought out a few tears but was lovely.

Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate being able to ask questions on a friendly helpful board.
For anyone else popping in here looking for advice, apparently for an expected death at home (there's really not much on the Internet about this) you phone GP or their out of hours service, or if out of hours service isn't answering, 111 (though can you imagine having your dead relative in front of you and having to deal with the stupid tick-box questions they ask?!).
A doctor then comes round to certify death and then as PPs say, undertakers can just take charge.
(such good advice to think abt undertakers beforehand - really don't want to be googling around the place in a panic while trying to process the actual death).

We knew Mum was "on the way out" and what her wishes were, so I had requested quotes from three undertakers by the time she went. She would have been proud of me I hope (always very organised and a great list maker).

My Dad's death was less expected and I was only involved in the funeral arrangements at the point the undertakers had succeeded in getting on the nerves of my poor stepmum (so I was delegated to liaise with them). I suspect they were selected in a bit of a panic, and it was in the middle of the first lockdown so nothing was normal (to be fair).

So I would definitely recommend getting on to undertakers earlier, so you know you have someone you're happy with.

@SeriouslyAgain what a sensible question and good advice given. Do you know if your DM has a funeral plan - one of those monthly payments? MiL loved insurances so she has that in place and when I was going through paperwork (when she moved into nursing home as I have PoA) I found little notes about her funeral wishes that I have put together in a plastic wallet. DH and I have only just got round to Wills and solicitor suggested we think about wishes and funerals. I feel the easier I can make it for my DC the better🤞.

I have a potential PoA/legal quandary coming up, flat owned by three parties, if two want to buy the freehold would it be wrong to expect MiL who will not really benefit from buying her share, to contribute to freehold purchase? The solicitor who is working on wills is asking around for us. But if anyone has any experience or advice happy to hear it.

I concur with what @BestIsWest has written about finding an undertaker in advance. It helps take some stress out of what will be an already stressful situation if you have their details ready rather than having to plumb for the first number that you come across.

Financial advice sites recommend calling round undertakers to get an idea of services they offer/costs etc. It seems "cold", somehow, to shop around, but realistically this is a wise thing to do although probably not the sort of thing you want to be doing when dealing with the death of a loved one so a bit of research beforehand is probably good.

I second the advice to check out undertakers in advance. My DF died suddenly at home (paramedics, police etc) and it was left to me to find an undertaker on the spot - he couldn’t be left where he was and the police and paramedics couldn’t help. Thinking back it was very distressing.

Thank you again.
I suspect that I'll still be having the same concerns in 2024 as mum has just staged yet another miracle recovery.

DM died in an ambulance and DF in a hospital so both got taken to the hospital morgue. In both instances, different towns, we got recommendations for the local undertakers. I think your ‘planning’ will be hugely helped by identifying the undertakers this side of Xmas, ‘for when the time comes’ and having a quick chat in advance. Then you can tell DD quite honestly that everything is in hand.

Thank you for replying. I seem to remember with dad that the undertaker was just organised by a 3rd party (doc? Police?) because it definitely wasnt me, and mum didn't do anything at all. But I guess in any event they just take the body away and no one's going to want to do much else on Xmas day?

Seriously my understanding is that once a medical professional has agreed the person has passed you can have the funeral home people take over from there. All undertakers I imagine will have someone on duty over Xmas and 24/7 cover as sadly it's peak time for them. Have you considered which undertaker you want to use? The starting point would be their website. Undertaker websites now give prices and options.

Hope this isn't a tactless time to ask a question in view of countrygirl99 having to go to a funeral (hope it goes as well as possible countrygirl) , but I've been put on the spot by teen DC (worried about mum dying on Xmas day and me therefore not being around)...
What do you actually have to do on the day someone dies if it's expected? When dad died it was 'unexpected' so ambulance/resuscitation attempted/police visit etc.
Sure it will be different this time but I need to manage expectations (mine and DC) about whether we can just have Xmas day regardless, maybe not even tell DC so that Xmas day itself isn't forever remembered as 'when mum wasn't there because grandma died'. I know I will be able to be 'stiff upper lip' about it so it's only the practicalities that worry me.
I know that sounds awful too, but however much I do my absolute best for mum, I do think she is less important than DC + The only way I cope with mum is by constant forward-thinking and planning.

Haha @MereDintofPandiculation that was a while ago now. I would hope that DBS may have changed the logic flow in their form by now! But something in me suspects they have not.

Thank you @Mum5net. Just trying to work out how late I can leave it to get dressed in funeral atire. Don't want to risk going covered in white dog hairs (how come they never seem to shed the black ones?)

Hope things go well @countrygirl99

My DM uses her phone as a clock when she's in bed, so various people - usually me - often get a call at some odd hour because she's checked the time and dialled a number by mistake. It is very disconcerting to be woken by a phone call in the early hours; my catastrophising mind starts racing along with my heart.

Its so very hard to get elderly people to change something: "Put the your clock here mum, then you'll be able to see it if you wake in the night" just results in the clock being back across the far side of the room next time I visit.

I had to stop reading it Dint it upset me too much. It all started out just fine with kind and sensible advice, and then suddenly it was as if a tsunami of dementia warriors appeared accusing me and mum and the care home of abuse and I had to stop. I'm going to see her tomorrow, I hope it will be a nice calm chatty visit with no anxiety.