🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

Adds Chocolate Ginger biscuits to Christmas shopping list.

MysterOf, thank you. That's exactly what happened to my mum. She refused all help, GP wouldn't see her as no consent, so she ended up in hospital, which is exactly what she didn't want. At least that gave me the chance to organise care, because the hospital wouldn't let her out without it!

If it's any comfort, I've posted on here about a friend who is now frail and unwell (so even though she's younger than me, most the issues are 'dealing with an 85 year old' issues).
She's single so has carers and we're in the network of friends who take her to appointments, out for tea etc.

When she doesn't refuse to go, which was a week ago. And now she's been admitted, because by the time one of the saintly carers had persuaded her, the problem had been given another week to take hold.
Literally someone turned up to take her to her hospital appointment and she refused to go. What can you do?

Absolutely multicoloured. There will also be the opposite group who pop up to inform you it's a disgrace if she DOES go into a home, and that she seems perfectly fine to them.

Your mum sounds like it's a bit touch and go, I hope the move goes OK.

Hello multicoloured 👋. When my mum started becoming unable to look after herself, and I was desperately trying to get her to the docs/persuade her she needed help, I had family friends ringing me asking me why I wasn't 'doing anything', and that it was 'a disgrace she's not in a home'.
Not quite sure what they expected me to do... Drag her bodily to a doctor!? March a social worker to her house?! Insist that she completely change her entire personality and accept help from me?!
I would have been so grateful for any support or understanding as perhaps she would have listened to friends more than me. But no, it was all blame.
You'll be well rid of the interfering neighbour!

I haven't read through the whole thread as I've only just found it, but I think I'm going to start being a regular...

DM is 69 and was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. My brother and I are mostly sharing the load, but we're moving mum closer to me soon (as that's where she can afford), so it's going to start landing harder. Our dad died 2 years ago, and although we knew mum was having some memory issues we didn't realise how bad things were until he wasn't there anymore.

Fortunately I am not considered a bad daughter, by anyone except her fucking holier than thou neighbour, who threatened to call safeguarding recently because she's been out in the garden in her dressing gown in the morning, and left the car boot open overnight the other day. While it's going to make life harder in some ways having her closer (as she's already started to say she doesn't think she'll need a carer anymore...), at least I won't have to deal with him.

Thanks for having me, I'll bring along some Morrisons chocolate gingers next time

Just read the riot act to DF after yet another mention of DB who has been enjoying a very lengthy holiday down under. DSis and I have been picking up the slack helping him remain in his own home along with a team of fabulous carers. I get that he's missing him but dear god we are all running our arses off and DB didnt give his DF much thought or his siblings for that matter.
I did rant about showing some appreciation to all the women keeping him afloat and not banging on about Golden Bollocks all the time.

I was just remembering how much I enjoyed the Covid Christmas when lockdown meant I only had to spend Christmas with the people I wanted to rather than dealing with a whole load of expectations from elderly relatives and other extended family.

The next fortnight is looking pretty grim.

Merry Christmas, cockroaches - have the best one you can!
Sending best wishes to all of you struggling with caring for your old folk, tackling NHS or facing sad anniversaries.
I'm rather delighted to report that my golden DB has decided that he is bringing his family to stay with my DM for Christmas, so I've got someone to share the duties. I'm less delighted, but not surprised, to find that it's creating a lot of extra work - and guess who's expected to be running around sorting things out?

There's a Pret in a hospital? 😍 <misses point>

In good news one of the fantastic carers chivvied our friend into making an appointment to have her latest problem looked at: and my saintly OH is there with her now. Luckily there is a Pret onsite as otherwise he wouldn't have had lunch... She is actually being seen, but in hospitals - probably not just an NHS thing - there's always "hurry up and wait".

And my careful deployment of "ask and stand back and let it sit" has worked! and so we are visiting the two most frail relatives (briefly) in a week.
I have no natural tact and got sent on a lot of courses at work to din it into me - still very useful even though I'm retired now.

I feel a bit of a fraud being here but I think the lessons learned from the lurking have helped us avoid a lot of problems. So thanks all. Back to lurking now...

Mum has a history of throwing away things she doesn't want/thinks she doesn't need/ thinks are ugly so I very much suspect that sort of solution would end up in the bin. Even her very expensive hearing aids went in the bin because she couldn't remember getting them so in her head they were dad's and dead people don't need hearing aids.
The added bonus is the carers check the fridge a couple of times a week to avoid a build up of rancid or mouldy food that mum thinks she only bought/got out the freezer yesterday. I've had too many incidents where I've removed stuff that is too far gone to know what it is and mum clearly has zero sense of smell now so even the milk needs checking as mum doesn't notice it's off until it separates.

@MereDintofPandiculation that's pretty much where I am, plus the medical trips I need to be at, but sometimes things are more urgent and I'm working, or struggling to manage my energy after cancer and chemo, or I just have a yoga class (selfish!) and it's just not convenient. She could afford carers but just refuses 🤷‍♀️. I think I just need to leave more things to go wrong. I rebelled on cooking Xmas lunch this year too, we're going out, I've done 18 years and it never seems to be my brother's turn (and I never went home in my 20s/early 30s because my DF kept chucking me out), so that's a minor victory (although my DM did just say originally she'd sit at home on her own then 🙄).

Thanks for all the responses, and sympathy to everyone else going through it. Getting cancer was a big wake up call to not living my own life and I'm much better at boundaries than I was. It's stuff like she messaged me to say could I take her to the hospital for a non-urgent appointment, and I said I couldn't because I had a check up to see if my cancer recurred (not expecting it to have but still stressful) and instead of showing any interest in that, she just said "You could take me a bit earlier then". Obviously I said no, but I just wish she had someone else to ask other than me. In this instance she got a taxi, but sometimes I crack and say yes when really I'd rather not.

Posting her Christmas cards is on the list of things I have to do but I seem to not be speaking to her! I won't apologise for getting upset but she will never think she's done anything less than helpful herself!

@SierraSapphire in some ways I have the opposite problem to many as my mum doesn't phone as she thinks she can sort stuff but her alzheimers means she usually just makes the problem worse. I never sleep well before I go up wondering what this weeks problem will be and I never sleep well after trying to work out a prevention plan for a repeat. This week it was the light bulb in the dining room had blown and she couldn't get it out to see what type it was. Git it out and she didn't have a replacement. Goodness knows where they've gone as I bought a box of 10 a few months ago when she needed one for the living room.
Biggest current battle is getting her to accept a cleaner. Her loo is gross and I now always take a little bottle of hand sanitiser in my pocket!
Mum has a carer pop in once a day just for 15 minutes to check she's OK which she hates. She thinks that either me orì one of my brothers should phone to check but she won't wear her hearing aids or take her mobile if she goes out so there's a 50/50 chance she won't answer and I'm not dropping everything to do a 2 hour round trip only to find out she was in a different room to the phone or she's forgotten to put it on to charge.
So yeah, I stress the small stuff a lot.

Address the issues if they have the potential to get worse and cause a bigger problem (e.g. leaking tap). Decline/distract/refuse if you are at capacity and/or it is not in your “minimum standards” e.g. buy, write and post Christmas cards for everyone in her address book.

@SierraSapphire dealing with elderly relatives who make poor decisions but expect you to fix the consequences is a theme that recurs in the cafe threads. It is common. And if you are already prone to anxiety it really doesn’t help if you are always waiting for that call, so sympathies there. It seems that the only/best way of dealing with it is setting your own boundaries and stepping back and accepting that a crisis will occur at some point. But you can’t stop someone with capacity making a bad choice.

There was an interesting discussion a few months ago along the lines of some elderly people making seemingly bad decisions and even being “rebellious” because in many cases it’s the only control they still have over their lives. And that feeling of autonomy was more important to them than any risk that arose from it.

What I’ve learned is that what is important to my mum is not necessarily what DB and I think it important, not what she would have thought as important even 5 years ago. We have settled with her on what is non-negotiable (safety, medication, food, hygiene) and have to let everything else go. Its hard.

I think I'm asking do other people feel weighed down by things that in themselves perhaps are not huge, but are still there, and how do you handle this?

Thanks @countrygirl99 - i've been through the thought process about not being responsible for other peoples bad decisions with my DM and my DF before he died, I think the thing I struggle with a bit is am I making a big thing out of nothing very much, I dread phoning her though because she's going to start just launching into whatever the latest problem is that may not be an emergency but will need my help to sort out at some point and it sits over me. All I'm suggesting is she has someone in for an hour a couple of times a week to pick up these things, but to her it's "I don't want someone in the house all day every day" when nobody suggested anything like that! When she's had carers after being in hospital, she gets herself up extra early in the morning to make sure that she's dressed and had breakfast and there's nothing for them to do. It's frustrating! And I've said to her, I would feel like visiting her more and we could do more nice things if it wasn't that there was always a load of jobs for me to do, but that doesn't persuade her either!

@SierraSapphire I think many on here will know exactly what you are coping with. Just remember that if your mother makes unreasonable decisions it's not your fault and youdon't have to go along with them. Sometimes they need to live with the consequences of those decisions before there will be any change. But it's bloody tough to do so be kind to yourself.

Hello everybody, can I join and get some perspective on the situation with my DM? She's 90 and physically housebound and starting to get confused, and we've had an ongoing battle now for five years about carers - or rather the lack of them. She used to care for my DF, and I was already trying to persuade them to get carers, then she broke her hip and went into hospital, leaving me caring for my DF, although he died shortly after (so clearly I wasn't very good at it!). My mum has had a number of emergency hospital, admissions and each time it looks likely she might die, but she's recovered.

Anyway, my business is a mess since Covid and the stuff with my DPs, i'm not earning much money and it's just me (and DD at uni), and two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer, which hopefully I'm clear from now, but the after effects of treatment and the ongoing anxiety about it coming back is affecting me. In some ways, my DM doesn't ask me to do very much, but it's more than mental load of there being nobody else there to pick up anything that needs doing, she's lost her purse, or needs some money out the cash till or the smoke alarms beeping et cetera, and also the emotional strain of pretty much being the only person that she sees. I have a brother but he is always iller than everybody else and he just moans to mum all the time and rarely visits, which I think is outrageous but not much I can do about it. I had a huge row with her on Wednesday night about the care thing again. I just need to get my life together after having cancer, but I just feel such a weight of responsibility for her all the time. I just want one other person there who could do some other things. Her response is just "I won't ask you to do anything in the future then". Now I am sitting here feeling that I'm being unreasonable, and actually she's not expecting very much, which in someway she isn't, but it's just the unpredictability of everything and that feeling of dread that everything is only going one way towards chaos. The other factor is that they weren't good parents, not really their fault due to trauma in their own lives, but there's no recognition of that from her either, certainly not her role in it, only blaming my father. Any perspective anyone? Thanks in advance!

Waves to all, especially at those dealing with sh1te at Christmas xx