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Elderly parents
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🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

993 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/11/2023 20:49

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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6
thesandwich · 30/12/2023 18:24

Of course- the walls are padded, scream and break things in our rage room…. You are not alone.

ThreeForMee · 30/12/2023 18:17

Can I just come in, scream for 5 minutes, no one ask any questions, and then leave again 😬😬😬😬?

My patience ran out about 2 hours ago and it’s still several hours til I can go to bed.

IoWfairyonthechristmastree · 29/12/2023 14:16

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001tqx3?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

There was an interesting and rather terrifying article on Woman's Hour this morning about abuse of vulnerable elderly people. At least it's getting more attention now.

OhOneOhTwoOhThree · 29/12/2023 08:32

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation and @WhatHaveIFound. Your advice was comforting.

Yes, the delusions/hallucinations are hard, although often my Mum's are benign - for example she sees her grandchildren (when they were small). I try to laugh off some of the things she says but every now and then she manages to say something which gets through. She was sleeping quite a bit a week or two ago but has perked up again.

Jellycats4life · 29/12/2023 00:54

Thanks @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

I’m glad that I am one step removed right now, and I also feel very emotionally distanced because I’ve always been able to see him for what he is. Husband and MIL are mired in fear/obligation/guilt. They will struggle to go against his demands, as indeed they always have all their lives.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 29/12/2023 00:13

@Jellycats4life I am sorry, that sounds so tough. It's hard enough when the parents you are helping have been nothing but supportive and loving but it must be so much harder when they have been abusive.
it's probably easier for your DH to be in denial rather than maybe go against the wishes (or perceived wishes) of someone who is controlling and abusive like your FIL. It's hard to admit that, rather than this happening to other people, it really is happening to you, that this is your reality. Neither of his parents are facing the reality of the situation and crossing the line of making the decision for them is impossible if they will not agree. I can understand why your DH wants to bury his head in the sand, it sounds an awful situation.
as the spouse you are one step removed so can see things far more clearly as you don't have the same lifetime of emotional baggage to unpack with the situation.
wishing you strength for what is to come x

Jellycats4life · 28/12/2023 20:37

Just stepping in to share my frustration.

Elderly FIL has advanced multiple myeloma which has weakened his bones. Multiple healing fractures (hip, spine, arm). Was hospitalised for a few months then discharged home into a downstairs hospital bed and palliative care.

MIL was eager to have him home but has rapidly learned what a bad idea this was. He should have gone into a nursing home. Would be cheaper than paying for 24/7 private carer cover, which she chose because she’s terrified to care for him by herself, and is in bad physical shape at any rate.

FIL rallied for a while but seems to be having a big decline. Extreme pain leading to repeat middle of the night 999 calls for pain relief (I’ve no idea why the hospice aren’t handling this - because it’s Christmas?). I think his spine is deteriorating further. I feel like he needs to go to the hospice to give MIL some respite and get on top of pain management, but I suspect both MIL and FIL would refuse because hospice means the end (that would be their belief anyway).

DH utterly emotionally detached and I don’t know whether it’s because his father was a shit father or whether it’s denial (perhaps both). It’s quite frustrating to see him not really acknowledge that his mother is going to pieces (surprising, in a way, since she too has been controlled and abused) and needs support.

Everyone is in denial and I wish I could shake some sense into them.

Juneday · 28/12/2023 20:11

@countrygirl99 I am sure there were a few inaccuracies in the secret stories…. she either has a very active imagination or nearly all men in women in her life had affairs! Although at least one story is true - when they started to include the women in the flat above we chose not to believe her😮.

WhatHaveIFound · 28/12/2023 19:54

OhOneOhTwoOhThree · 28/12/2023 11:51

Hello, may I join you for a cuppa?

My lovely Mum is 79 and in end stage Parkinson's. She also has dementia. Dad is 82 and her carer. She's been in and out of hospital for the last 18 months and had a couple of spells in respite to give Dad a break. She's been in hospital for the last 6 weeks after a fall which broker her pelvis in 2 places. She is being well cared for as far as I can tell on my weekly visits (a 300 mile round trip on the M1) but increasingly confused and started to say some unkind things. I know it's not her, and it's her illness/the meds doing the talking but I still find it really hurtful.

I'd love some advice on how others might have managed to rise above it when this happens - I don't want my last memories of her to be how she has become.

I get hurtful comments from my dad (16+ years of Parkinson's) but I know it's not really him. I find his hallucinations & delusions hard to deal with at the moment too. He's sleeping a lot more than normal and although his nurse talked about this being the beginning of the end, there's no knowing how long the end will be.

I find being with him when he's sleeping quite peaceful, like the Parkinson's isn't there and he's back to being my normal dad. Just fallen asleep in the armchair like he used to after Sunday lunch at my granny's house all those years ago.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 28/12/2023 12:30

OhOneOhTwoOhThree · 28/12/2023 11:51

Hello, may I join you for a cuppa?

My lovely Mum is 79 and in end stage Parkinson's. She also has dementia. Dad is 82 and her carer. She's been in and out of hospital for the last 18 months and had a couple of spells in respite to give Dad a break. She's been in hospital for the last 6 weeks after a fall which broker her pelvis in 2 places. She is being well cared for as far as I can tell on my weekly visits (a 300 mile round trip on the M1) but increasingly confused and started to say some unkind things. I know it's not her, and it's her illness/the meds doing the talking but I still find it really hurtful.

I'd love some advice on how others might have managed to rise above it when this happens - I don't want my last memories of her to be how she has become.

I deal with by trying to observe as if I were observing a lab rat. It entails emotional detachment, but I find it's not as difficult as it sounds to be emotionally detached sometimes and restore the emotional attachment for the occasional moments of light. Easier for me as my dad isn't deliberately nasty, it's more grumpiness and not enjoying things that you've gone to a lot of trouble to set up for him. Went to a lot of trouble to make up a small photo album of important people in his life. He's never looked at it since, doesn't want to. Doesn't bother me. "Oh, well, that didn't work. I wonder what I could try next".

My experience with my mother was that, although the months after her death were filled with images of her struggles with illness and her less than desirable behaviour, as the years passed the memories of earlier and happier times came flooding back, and are what I think of now, not the later stuff. So don't worry about your last memories of her - they may well be grim - because they will gradually fade into total significance against all the earlier memories.

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countrygirl99 · 28/12/2023 11:59

Juneday · 28/12/2023 11:35

Before MiLs huge decline she told me lots of family secrets, some I would rather have not known, she said don’t tell DH, I said I didn’t keep secrets from him. But luckily for DD’s war project many years ago MiL wrote a little letter about being a child in London in the war, so glad we have it.

I couldn't rely on mum's anecdotes as reliable history. She often tells me about their holiday in Kenya when, allegedly, a wild elephant kept coming to the hotel so people could feed it currant buns.

OhOneOhTwoOhThree · 28/12/2023 11:51

Hello, may I join you for a cuppa?

My lovely Mum is 79 and in end stage Parkinson's. She also has dementia. Dad is 82 and her carer. She's been in and out of hospital for the last 18 months and had a couple of spells in respite to give Dad a break. She's been in hospital for the last 6 weeks after a fall which broker her pelvis in 2 places. She is being well cared for as far as I can tell on my weekly visits (a 300 mile round trip on the M1) but increasingly confused and started to say some unkind things. I know it's not her, and it's her illness/the meds doing the talking but I still find it really hurtful.

I'd love some advice on how others might have managed to rise above it when this happens - I don't want my last memories of her to be how she has become.

Juneday · 28/12/2023 11:35

Before MiLs huge decline she told me lots of family secrets, some I would rather have not known, she said don’t tell DH, I said I didn’t keep secrets from him. But luckily for DD’s war project many years ago MiL wrote a little letter about being a child in London in the war, so glad we have it.

BestIsWest · 28/12/2023 10:14

@MereDintofPandiculation - yes, I’m the same with family history. I love DMs reminisces about the past - it’s a good day if I can get her talking about her childhood. I’ve recently started learning Welsh as she is fluent but has no one left to speak it with and this has brought us both a lot of pleasure - I get different stories out of her because it triggers different memories.
Though sometimes she tells me things I really didn’t want to know about people.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 28/12/2023 09:52

@ThreeForMee wishing you luck in this next phase!

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funnelfan · 28/12/2023 09:51

Reading a story on the bbc earlier which is very sad - someone taking advantage of an elderly man showing signs of cognitive decline and separating him from his daughter. The daughter has had a very different experience from many of us but I imagine just as stressful.

'My elderly father found a new partner - then vanished from my life' https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-67773394

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 28/12/2023 09:50

SierraSapphire · 28/12/2023 08:48

My DM has the anecdotes too, I wonder whether some of it is an attempt to sense-make their lives as they are coming to the end of it. On war memorabilia, she has a gas mask!

I have a kettle that Mum used in the lab during the war. A very fine beast it is, dark green enamel and shiny brass where the cable plugs in. We replaced the element so it’s still useable in an emergency (though thinking about it, the element replacement was so I could use it at school in the 6th form, so over 50 years ago Grin )

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 28/12/2023 09:44

countrygirl99 · 27/12/2023 19:34

It was quite sad on Christmas Day when I asked mum if she'd had a nice time at DB1s big family gathering a few days earlier. There were 4 GC ad 5 GGC and DB2 lives several hours away so she doesn't see him and SIL often. She just erred and gave a very hesitant yes, no more. I don't think she actually remembered it.

One of the things I read about dementia is never to ask about the recent past. It tells them of something they “should” remember but can’t. “DB told me how nice it was to see you the other day, and that you had two helpings of pudding so obviously enjoyed it” is ok, “do you remember…” is not - too much like an important exam for which your preparation has been inadequate.

I’m using this time to fill in on family history. I’m trying to get to the bottom of why there was so much angst over whether Arthur Higginbottom was going to marry Great Aunt Ruby or not.

I also try to have something with me like crochet to occupy the 9/10ths of ny brain that isn’t needed for following the conversation.

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ThreeForMee · 28/12/2023 09:17

@mrjinks Sending a hug and hope you’re doing ok with the emotions of the last few weeks.

My dad was taken into hospital over Xmas and my mum is no longer able to be left on her own. I was away at other family for Xmas but am home now and psyching myself up for this next phase.

SierraSapphire · 28/12/2023 08:48

My DM has the anecdotes too, I wonder whether some of it is an attempt to sense-make their lives as they are coming to the end of it. On war memorabilia, she has a gas mask!

EmotionalBlackmail · 27/12/2023 23:00

 @MsJinks Flowers

greenbeansnspinach · 27/12/2023 21:55

@Fantasea mum has the rationing anecdotes too, and recently surprised me by producing an actual rationing book! The anecdotes become sort of crystallised/fossilised as time goes on, so we are left with a little nugget. We’re at the stage now where I know the anecdotes better than she does, and can fill in the missing bits. I hadn’t thought of counting how many there are - that might be quite interesting.
I had a good day today. Mum let me trim her hair, and she also very very reluctantly and with a lot of grumbling, changed into a different (“horrible, ridiculous “) pair of trousers so I could take the pair that she’s been wearing for the last four months to quickly wash and dry and get back to her tomorrow ready for a hospital appointment! Hurrah!

NefretForth · 27/12/2023 21:24

MsJinks, Flowers Things must feel pretty complicated right now, take good care of yourself.

countrygirl99 · 27/12/2023 19:34

It was quite sad on Christmas Day when I asked mum if she'd had a nice time at DB1s big family gathering a few days earlier. There were 4 GC ad 5 GGC and DB2 lives several hours away so she doesn't see him and SIL often. She just erred and gave a very hesitant yes, no more. I don't think she actually remembered it.