🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

Hugs, that must be so upsetting.

Thanks very much for your responses. The practical help is great (hadn’t thought of writing them down or asking for time on my own with the psychiatrist) and also for the understanding - ‘treacherous’ is exactly how I felt @DahliaMacNamara I know I have to say those things, and I do, but it’s just so different from how I (try to) act the rest of the time of just smoothing things over and just trying to keep her happy.

@Willyoubuymeahouseofgold - since mum we diagnosed she’s getting an occupational therapist (although she ignores all suggestions as she’s obviously fine) and also a visit from Alzheimer’s Scotland to help navigate what support is available. I don’t know how it works in the rest of the UK. My fear was that if something went badly wrong we’d have to start the diagnosis process at that point which would take many months, whereas now (I hope!) it means we’d be able to access help quicker when it is needed.

So sorry that you are also experiencing this @MissMarplesNiece.

It's complicated, as I haven't always had the best of relationships with my Mum - we are very different people - but I know she has always loved me, even if she hasn't understood me, and she adores my children. And seeing her in constant pain and a shadow of her former self makes me sad and angry that this is how she will end her life, after being super-fit, sporty and full of life.

@Willyoubuymeahouseofgold a diagnosis can mean a reduction/ no Council Tax
@ThreeForMee In these tests I actually wanted DM to perform really badly so she got more help / attention / escalated. @countrygirl99 is right, ten minutes later she will have no recollection. (If she does have recollection of any negatives you've said, then take those as a big positive as her short term memory is still holding up...

@OhOneOhTwoOhThree My Mum is disappearing before our eyes. Its so hard to watch. I come to the Cockroach Cafe so often and vent about DM, but I think my overwhelming emotion is one of sadness to see as you do my DM "disappearing". I've felt especially sad about it over Christmas.

Does she need an official diagnosis for support?

Depends on your local area - which part of the Uk is she in? My mum is in England and I found mum being “in the system” started the ball rolling and smoothed the way to other help I didn’t know existed.
eg she has advanced macular degeneration and we registered her as partially sighted. This registration meant her local council readily agreed to add her to their list for “assisted bin collection“ so she doesn’t have to work out what day it is and take the bins out, they come and take them from the back of the house and do the lot. (She used to be the binfluencer in the street!)

having said that, in England at least, anyone can request an assessment from the adult social services department of your local authority if your mum needs more help. A diagnosis isn’t needed but would help if she has specific needs

My Mum is disappearing before our eyes. She's been in hospital since late November after falling and breaking her pelvis. She had a bad day on Friday, and was taken from her current hospital to the A&E in the main teaching hospital in her city. She had a scan and various tests, enjoyed a nice egg sandwich and some Bourbon biscuits and went back to her current hospital. Yesterday she had no recollection of it. Probably just as well, but awful for my Dad who was with her throughout and visits everyday even though she s convinced that she never has any visitors.

Hello everyone,
I just happened upon this thread in Active and it might well be a real lifesaver.
My wee Mum is 87 and in the past few years is experiencing cognitive decline. At the GP she failed the Memory test , and initially agreed to the Memory Clinic. Once the appointment came through tho' she changed her mind. I didn't force her because... she's 87 and been independent all her life..
Does she need an official diagnosis for support? We go daily as a family at teatime and that's adequate just now, but we can see the day she may need more visits in a day.
Sometimes I look at her and my heart breaks on two, wondering where my string fabulous Mum has gone. We love her still, but we love a different person now.

I remember how difficult it was to get early help for MIL because she wouldn't accept there was anything wrong with her; it was everyone else's fault for always doing (imaginary) things that made her angry. She wouldn't tolerate even the faintest hint of people talking about her, and was constantly and understandably on the alert for this.
Sometimes I went to appointments with her, and sat in a position where she couldn't see me shaking my head when she said things that were wildly inaccurate. Some of them obviously untrue to even the most casual observer, but even so I felt treacherous about it.
Eventually DH took her to one where she was told she had 'some memory loss', which she accepted quite calmly as a long way short of losing her mind, and consistent with her own experience.
Her mind had sadly long gone by that point.

@ThreeForMee we've had that with social services assessments. We just said what we felt was necessary knowing mum would forget what was said.

When mum went for her memory clinic appointment the woman asked me to say what her symptoms were. I said it would be upsetting for mum to hear a list and could we go elsewhere. We went into another room and I reeled them off. Afterwards mum asked "did I do OK?" 😥

@MereDintofPandiculation thats really hard. Does distraction work? The old toddler favourite quoted on here”ooh look there’s a squirrel”?
@ThreeForMee could you write down your observations and give them to psychiatrist ? They will have seen it all before sadly.

Heya

I’ve got an upcoming psychiatrist appointment with my mum. She’s got a lot worse since her last appointment but has no awareness of this. So the doctor will ask how she is, she’ll say fine, then I’ll say she’s not fine and give examples of recent problems, all during which my mum will look at me as if I’m talking absolute nonsense and get upset, and I’ll feel like an arsehole.

Had anyone else gone through this part of the process? Any tips for how not to let it upset me so much?

My dad keeps yelling at me as I happen to mention that yes he had sadly lost his wife but it also is my DM and DGM. He keeps complaining how much the funeral cost and he didn't like the flowers i chose He is also complaining that if I would like wife mother and nannie on the gravestone and I should contribute to the cost.

(No money issues with dad ) but then try and give his carers and cleaner money every time they come.

Freecycle came to the rescue. Lovely lady collecting pads tomorrow. 😁

Still no takers for the 8 new packets of adult pads! Will post for free on another website later in the month.

Have you tried your local foodbank? Ours took my dad's stock when he went into the care home.

Indeed - Precious does not equal valuable. Well said, @Juneday

Love that ‘invisible mending’.

Just come from MiLs empty flat which I visit twice a week and also to take some bits to charity and recycling every few weeks. We know she will be in nursing home permanently so I said to DH it would be good to keep clearing out including wobbly table, tatty bedside cupboard, freezer that is relatively new and a local charity would take. He said ‘why the rush’, I explained that friends who have gone through this after family passed away said it took weeks and wished they had help, also contents insurance no longer covers theft in an empty flat, so want to be sure valuables are removed. I added that as ‘no one has helped me to date, I can’t see offers of help in the future’ (I did have help on one occasion from another DiL of course).

I have sorted mementos into boxes for each family member now - the awkward one being BiL on 3rd marriage having so many wedding photos 🤣.

I do a bit of gardening on occasion and take meter readings, all those little things …. Pick up any post, mostly marketing rubbish.

I am lucky I to have the time and as I know it will fall to me regardless I am a bit frustrated that DH can’t see that I am helping. Also I admit I can’t bear the thought of a house clearance where precious (not necessarily valuable) items might get missed.

Still no takers for the 8 new packets of adult pads! Will post for free on another website later in the month. 🤞🤞

Hello all. Just caught a snippet of woman’s hour today talking about poa etc- and a wonderful phrase was used- women doing the “ invisible mending” of life to shore up the frail elderlies……

Agreed about breaks. It's the relentlessness of it that is so impossible to imagine beforehand- even for those of us who've had children. I'm in awe of anyone doing the care support of elderly relatives still at home, and im so struck by the years or even decades put into this.

A big row by message with a sibling last night about it all. Not much sleep as a result. We may have reached a calmer place - hope so.

I do wish I could get a break from all this.

Mum now my concern with she's had two falls in 2 days and had to call an ambulance both times as her care alarm isn't working. So more stuff to sort out and I'm supposed to be away on a work trip at the end of next week.

Dad also worrying me as when I told him there was no recognition in his face as to who mum even was though he was happily talking about eating mangos as a child.