🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

And there’s the ‘scream corner’ which is proving popular after the Christmas holiday.

@NoBinturongsHereMate welcome, help yourself to cake. There's a kettle and cake on the side and alcohol in the cupboard if you need something more fortifying.

<sidles in>

Hello all, this looks a useful thread. I'll just pop myself on a seat in the corner.

Just through yet another 'crisis'. I realised when I was speaking to the doc that I talk to him as if he's a mate: all 'hey, was your Xmas and New year?' and part way through my over-friendly wittering realised that of course I feel I know him because the poor man is constantly dealing with mum... But for him, I'm probably one of so many middle-aged daughter/old mum duos and he has no idea which one I am 😂.

You need to use the quote function - on my iPad it’s in the three dots on the top right of each message. The reply function doesn’t do anything helpful. It’s a regular complaint to MNHQ on the site stuff board.

@Willyoubuymeahouseofgold sorry - above message was for you - looks like I haven’t figured out how to reply to messages yet 😉

Heya. I’ve just spent this evening googling and trying to get my head around the various organisations that can help.

As I mentioned, Alzheimer’s Scotland are great. Also try Age Scotland, Care & Repair Scotland and your local council’s Health and Social Care Pages. I’m at information overload stage right now but at least feel like I know there is support out there rather than like I’m stumbling around in the dark abandoned to a lifetime of care which I don’t want to provide.

Hope some of that’s helpful.

Thank you to all who advised me. Yes, I am in Scotland. I didn't realize the implications of no official.diagnosis. ❤️ Great tips for help available. Thank you all so much ❤️

So as suspected quite a common worry, and sad too especially that if you are the relative accused of not visiting.

I do also wonder about the stories when MiL was in early undiagnosed stages, as one grandchild (in his 40s) has made no contact or even a Christmas card …. Did she make up some story involving him that has led to this? Do I will pluck up courage and ask his sister whom I can message (DH won’t). At one point none of that family were talking to each other and MiL told me she was accused of lying and keeping secrets.

I can sadly imagine MiL telling strange tales and some thinking they were true - I got caught out myself on occasion in the early days pre diagnosis, but I don’t think this ‘secret’ was known to her and when she was accused of being involved she was really anxious and upset, she started coming up with her own ideas about what the secret was. Or did she know all along and had been loyal to her eldest by not sharing? We will never know, but to not make to see your grandmother because of this is childish and unkind imho. It’s too late now, she won’t recognise him and any visit will be distressing for both, I won’t try and contact him, but did send a Christmas card from MiL to him and his family (I had to pp all her cards).

I remember a few days after dad died mum complained she hadn't seen my youngest brother at all. I knew he had spent all day the day he died and at least 3 hours the next 2 days because we'd been there at the same time. She still complains she never sees him even though he visits most weeks. Conversely she tells everyone I take her out to lunch every Monday even though I'm working an hour or more away Monday to Friday.

We always felt a sneaky sense of relief when MIL's care home was closed to visitors because of infection outbreaks. A guilt-free break! She was used to getting visitors at least once a day. Whenever it re-opened, there was no sense that her family had been absent. Conversely, she would sometimes complain that she hadn't seen her daughter or husband for weeks, when we knew they'd been there the previous evening or that very afternoon.
We used to wonder who all these visits were in aid of. I suppose we went every time hoping that today would be a day when our presence made a positive difference to her, even for an hour.

Very balanced and sensible view I agree with you@MereDintofPandiculation . DH didn’t make it to care home this weekend and I said he really mustn’t feel bad about it, MiL rarely understands who he is …. But he feels as we live much nearer than others he can do a short visit. For those with long journeys to family it definitely raises issues. DSis had parents stay for 5 days, elderly but relatively healthy, she was exhausted and said she can’t have them for that long again. We all offered to help of course but DM doesn’t like our stairs. DSis has a bungalow…. DPs don’t see it as the strain that it is, DD is desperate to visit more!

@PermanentTemporary I will probably still do it next year assuming she is still at home. DB1 lives 5 hours away. DB2 lives in a 1 bed flat very slightly closer than us but usually travels to see his daughter. The other alternative is to go to hers but we'd need to take the dogs and it a tiny bungalow. Abd wed have to leave mid afternoon to get back for the horse. Not only that but she doesn't have an oven just a hob and a small combi oven/microwave as she hates cooking so never saw the need for one. We'd have to take every ingredient as we couldn't rely on her to remember anything. When you get into the nitty gritty the driving turns out the easiest option but it feels a bit of a kick when it's forgotten really quickly. I know she can't help it but all the same.

@countrygirl99 how incredibly tiring for you. Those Christmas visits are exhausting. Write a note to yourself on December 1 in your diary...

Christmas Day I did a 2 hour round trip to collect mum and DH did the same to take her home. Boxing Day Itrooped up there again to take back her keys that had somehow found their way under the sofa. Last night she asked me if I'd had a nice Christmas and whether the boys had come home for it and I have to confess I wondered whether there is any point in bothering to next time. She also pointed to a palm leaf hat that sits on a shelf. She got it on holiday in Jamaica many years ago and told me she made on her holiday to Congo. The only place she has been in Africa is Kenya so God knows where Congo came from.

A happy new year to all - I hope things ease up in some way for everyone going through difficult times. Wishing everyone strength and peace.
I'm on tenterhooks waiting for the inevitable 'the boiler is broken' call which invariably comes in a cold snap.
Was going to cut down on drinking but having already spent 3 days with my mum this year, the only solution is gin!
I don't know why I bother seeing as she doesn't know who I am, but there's the guilt itself, and then the extra guilt induced by thinking that other people will disapprove if I don't 'do the right thing'.
Surely, surely, 2024 will be the last year....

After her dad died my friend ended up telling her mum that her dad had gone to visit his brother for a few days. It worked for a couple of years until she stopped asking where he was. She hated his brother so was always glad to be told he'd gone without her. If someone told her he had died she was totally distraught.

Oh that’s so tough @PanettonePudding

I’m not sure being married is necessarily a good enough reason to allow contact, especially if your Dad ends up being poked and hit. But like you say, if they say no to your Mum she is going to be upset. How bad is her short term memory? Could she be distracted with platitudes like “you can see him later / tomorrow, he’s resting right now”?

I remember when my Nan was in a care home, she would constantly ask where my Grandad was (he was dead and had been for many years). Family used to gently tell her that he’d passed away, but as time went on she was forgetful and distractable enough to accept things like “he’s gone to the shops”. It was less distressing that way.

Have just name changed but have been on this thread for quite a while. Both my parents have dementia and they are in the same care home but in different sections. Mum spends time with dad in his section. His dementia is worse than hers. The trouble is, she gets frustrated with him and shouts at him, slaps him and pokes him awake if he's asleep when she goes to see him. The Manager rang me this morning to tell me and say she thinks they need to be kept apart more, which is tricky when they are married. I can't think what else they can do, but then they will have to deal with mum being upset she can't visit him. Any thoughts? When we visit they are mostly just sitting there holding hands, but we have seen this behaviour on occasions and I don't doubt it is happening, though not sure how often.

Worth getting a diagnosis, DH was sent away with info for MiL on charity and local authority services, I got a very helpful call from dementia nursing team, and yes special bin collection and eventually council tax refund. Eventually SS visit led to respite care in nursing home that is on its way to being permanent as MiL has deteriorated significantly since two falls.

My problem is now is sounding cruel when I tell DH that if he/we don’t visit every weekend MiL won’t even know. Every visit she is either so agitated there is no proper conversation, or nasty and screaming out, such ‘it is a year since you visited, you have stolen all my money and used it for holidays’ And to me screaming at me ‘you have poisoned DHs mind! (She doesn’t really know who I am or DH for much of the visit). I know why DH feels he must visit but I think it stirs up more agitation, I am taking a break from visits for week or so.

@Willyoubuymeahouseofgold if you are in Scotland if you receive a dementia diagnosis then you get one years post diagnostic support from an Alzheimer Scotland support worker. They will help with benefits and linking your mum in with local support. If she needs actual help dressing etc you contact SW single point of contact and they will assess her needs and provide carers up to four times a day,respite etc. We are very lucky in Scotland. Good luck I am guessing Scotland because you said "wee" mum xx

Hello, please can I join I have been reading the thread and feel it is going to be my natural home from now. I have a nearly 90-year-old DF going rapidly downhill in hospital at present - apart from one blip due to covid has been independent and living alone with out care - oh I forgot about me , whoops !
@SierraSapphire was reading back through the thread where you said that your brother turn his phone off for long periods of time. Mine is doing exactly the same thing.! DF goes into hospital- phone off ! Can't decide whether to leave or pester him !!