🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

Oh no … how blooming awful for you! I wonder, if your GP surgery is sympathetic (make a face to face appointment and cry) they might agree to send you duplicate appointment letters? I expect you’ve tried everything though. We were absolutely amazed that mum eventually agreed to power of attorney after months and months of similar “you’ll put me in a home (and worse”) type arguments. I suppose if there are two of them they are buoying each up in their resistance …

@greenbeansnspinach unfortunately neither of my parents will consent to POA as they've convinced themselves that all their friends children have used it to have someone 'put in a home' DF won't even agree to 3rd party access to his bank account so we're stuck in an endless round of forgetting pin numbers and obsessing about obtaining bank statements (obsessed about this for hours) plus as the social worker says they both have capacity there's nothing we can do. This system really is set up that it only actually does anything in the event of a major crisis.

I had mums front door lock changed to one with a thumb turn from inside. It stil meets insurance requirements but means I can’t be locked out if there’s an emergency. She doesn’t need a key for her front door now but I and my brother have keys.

I have power of attorney and I’ve asked the various medical agencies to send appointment letters to me, as if they go to mum’s she buries them in piles of very important paperwork from the 1960’s. Sometimes accidentally or sometimes if she doesn’t like the sound of the appointment, on purpose.
It usually works…

Get the inside changed to a thumb turn. You still have the five lever etc lock but there is no keyhole on the inside so they can't leave a key in the lock. Key works as normal on the outside. Inside you just lock and unlock by turning the thumb turn.

This is also safer in everybody's home in the event of a fire as it's quick and easy to escape.

Thank you for the warning. Insurance is his business he'll be all over that!

On the key thing. We did all of the things suggested above - tied the key on a string to the handle, put a hook up for the key etc. Reminded her not to leave the key in the lock and why. None of it stopped her leaving the key in the locks all the time, hence the only solution for one door was to remove all her keys and place one in the keysafe for the carers. DB and I also have them and we all know that's the one door we can get in!

Mum had a mortice lock rather than a Yale. She would leave the key in the lock so she could find it - I tied it onto the handle with a piece of string so it was still there but hopefully not left in the lock. I kept key turners in my handbag, supposedly you can use them from outside to unlock the door by turning the key that's in the door. I can't say how well they worked because I never had to use them.

(Old hand to this thread but mostly out of the game now with the remaining family member now in residential care)

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation and @Juneday
We have most of those things in place already.
The issue was she left the key in the lock. DH is going to now change the door mechanism so she does not need to lock with a key, and we can get in when needed.
She had a pendant but that's no good if the door is locked!!
Hey ho! Thank you for your comments 😊

@Lightuptheroom would she sign a letter to say you can access her records via the NHS app. DH has that for my MiL, he says it is a bit fiddly, but he has added his mobile number somehow too. @AllEars112232 welcome, 96 is to be congratulated. Re the falls, Can you get a key safe? Then you can can store a spare set and the safe code can be shared with falls alarm people, and emergency services etc. Falls are such a worry. Combined with many other health worries and dementia MiL is now in a nursing home, she says have a falls alarm and was on the waiting list for a falls Matt. Sadly when she fell last time she managed to break the alarm, pull the phone out of the wall and had no idea what the thing on her wrist was…. BUT I put that down to dementia and bad luck, and maybe some weird determination on her part that she could manage without help.

One big thing we're finding at the moment is that professionals insist on mum making her own appointments or they ring her and tell her about an appointment. She then forgets about it. Is there any process whereby we can be notified so that there's actually some hope of her actually attending? Because neither she or my dad will give consent to GP etc they don't talk to us or notify us of anything and we're finding letters that are weeks old.

Welcome @AllEars112232 , sounds like you’re going through a worrying time. my mum does the thing of leaving keys in the doors too. We took away all her keys for one door which is the one the carers use.

i take it your MIL don’t have a fall alarm? My mums area has a falls team that actually send out someone if the alarm goes off, which is helpful as i live 100 miles away. She does forget to wear it though.

I'm new here, but pleased to find you all.
I've not had a chance to read the posts but wanted to say hi.
In the last 4 weeks MIL had fallen 3 times, one include aa huge hajj on the head and 5 nights in hospital.
She fell yesterday evening. DH dashed there (half hour drive) and sleeve an hour trying to get in as she'd left keys in all the doors. 😩
He was about to call 999 and she managed to get one key or with he help is an extending arm tool. All the while she's on the floor and getting exhausted.
She won't have carers in more than one a day!
She's nearly 96!

So bizarre isn’t it. MiL also had visiting dogs at one point, there were no dogs but she would say ‘look he is outside now, poor thing, someone needs to look after him’ I attributed it to old memories where she once had to give away a beloved family dog. Whole family were so upset🙁.

It's funny how specific these things can be. I remember a neurology study a while ago on category loss, and there were lots of cases where, for example, people completely lost the ability to remember fruits but had no problem whatsoever with vegetables (to my disappointment, they didn't report specific results for tomatoes and rhubarb).

With my stepdad it's mouth-related things. Food, drink, tablets, mouthwash... when he's having a confused spell they are the first things to go.

Not physical swallowing difficulty, but just completely baffled by the whole concept. He'll look at a sandwich and have absolutely no idea what it is or what to do with it. And when prompted, will respond 'Eat it?!' in a tone that suggests you recommended snacking on a bathmat, or taking a bite of a mathematical theorum.

The exception is biscuits. Always fine with biscuits - sweet or savoury.

@funnelfan I've changed name for this post - too outing otherwise..

The mysteries of the brain. Yes indeed! My dm (in hospital) asked me one day whether it might have been true, or whether it was a dream that there had been a dog on her bed. I replied that it was most likely a dream as although there might be therapets or other visiting dogs, I didn't think they'd be allowed on the bed. dm's reply: "oh that's a a relief, because there were 5 of them, one of them was blue, and they were helping me to complete the crossword on the computer." Me: "yes, most likely a dream then"

And df, who had no dementia but was suffering a series of small strokes: His confusion first emerged when he called a neighbour to say he was having problems going to the toilet - well yes, Jim, you've got your trousers on back to front so you can't undo your fly. He went to hospital and it turned out that under his back-to-front trousers he was also wearing 3 pairs of pants. Like he kept thinking he'd better get dressed and put his pants on, not realising that he was already wearing a pair (or two).

Over the next couple of weeks, each successive stroke seems to fry that particular part of his brain a little more each time and most of his utter confusion was about putting on his underwear or pjs. The morning before he went to hospital for the last time, he called me to help out as he was having a problem - both feet in the same leg of his pants and no capacity to understand what the problem was or how to resolve it. "What is going wrong here, every time I pull my pants up, they don't fit properly." Yet later that night when the ambulance came he could put his socks on, recognise his jumper was inside out and sort it out, tie his shoes laces. Just not his pants. Who knew we even had a 'pants' department in our brain!

I had a nice visit with my Mum - the first half anyway when she knew who I was. I popped out to the loo while the nurses were re-doing her bed sheets and tucking her in, and when I came back she said she'd never seen me before, she wanted her daughter and nobody had been to see her for eight years. She did say that it was very nice to have met me when I left.

Dad, meanwhile, is limping around with terrible sciatica and getting excited about the possibility of Mum coming home next week. AAAAAAAAAARGH.

@venusandmars difficult when family have different views about what is best and funny enough was discussing this with BiL - actually not having PoA on health saves family trying to influence decisions or upset where all don’t agree.

I studied psychology at a low level, much of what has been learned about the brain comes from observing changes post accidents, tumours and strokes. It helps that I understand it a little when MiL drifts from moments of clarity to complete nonsense. I could get quite nerdy about it, as I found the biological side so interesting.

Recurring themes with MIL today were that she desperately needs a mobile phone (she had one but never turned it on), no one has been to see her for years, (she gets a visit every week) she wants to go home and asks why am I in prison. 🙁. Many of the strange stories have a route that I can spot. Sadly MiL had some very tough moments in her life. Shame if her brain doesn’t could focus on some of the better ones.

The brain is indeed mysterious. After MIL had her stroke she couldn't read, write, talk or understand numbers but she could tell the time from an analogue watch and god forbid a meal wasn't served at the routine time or the tv wasn't on the right channel at least 5 minutes before Strictly.

Ah Mere, the mysteries of the brain. Objectively it's utterly fascinating how the connections and memories are made and then fade. But emotionally I find it hits hard when someone you love's brain is misfiring. For me it seems to poke away at the fundamental part of "who they are", much more than any change to their physical/visible body.

DM still retains quite a bit of self awareness and tends to know if she's not right because she rings me and says that she's going doo-lally. In her case I think she's having very realistic dreams when snoozing and then waking suddenly and getting them muddled up - doesn't help her tv is on 24 hours a day too which must play a part.

Just when we thought things were quiet and settled (dMIL died in the summer, dFIL settled, safe and well cared for in dementia wing of local care home)...

dh got a call yesterday to say FIL had sort-of passed out. Recovered but GP couldn't visit for several hours, did dh want the home to call 999 and take FIL to hospital? From dh and me and resounding 'No!'. Why would you take a confused 93 year old to an unfamiliar and noisy setting? On a Friday afternoon, when most likely nothing could/would be done.

Things settled again and GP said possible tia. But, in general, SILs are more inclined to favour hospital treatment, in the vain hope that something can be done. This incident has passed but if care home can't get hold of dh and try dSILs they tend to panic more...

Not much has changed here. DN is very frail, has lost alot of weight due to not eating properly. Her clothes are too big for her now but she refuses to let me buy new ones just in case she puts the weight back on. I've tried to explain that at 98 years old it's not very likely she will ever be a size 18 again but... Shes taken to wandering about the flat at night when she can't sleep which results in her hurting herself quite often. Last night she caught her arm on the door handle causing it to bleed profusely. Her skin is very thin and any kind of knock causes bleeding and bruising. I want her to get a TV in her bedroom but, again, she won't spend the money. She spends a long period every day talking to her sister on the phone where they both moan about their prospective children / grandchildren 🤣