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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mother makes me feel suffocated and I feel like a bitch

30 replies

RoloChocoloco · 25/10/2023 16:03

I’m just posting for somewhere to vent really and to see if I’m the only one who feels this way.

It’s what the tile says really. I feel completely suffocated by my Mum aged 80 but I always have done.
She’s now moved into a house very close to me and it’s even worse.
We’re very different people and don’t really have much in common. I’m an only child and I know our relationship is massive disappointment to her.

She is constantly emotionally blackmailing me about how much I see and speak to her and has also started doing this to my children 12, 17 & 22 which is making me feel really angry.
The more she does this the less time we want to spend with her.
I have tried to talk to her frankly about it and asked that she lets them come to her when they have time and really want to see her instead of from feeling guilty. She says she doesn’t care if they feel guilty as long as she gets to see them. The same applies to me I guess.
She has never made any proper effort to maintain friendships and any she does have are very one sided, she’ll pick and choose when she can be bothered. As a result she only has me and the GC who she tries to live her life through.
There are some very complex emotional issues going on for me as I don’t feel as if I have ever been able to get away from her.
She has never been abusive just manipulative but when I try to explain this to people I sound like a complete bitch.
Sorry for the long rant and thanks for taking the time to read.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoloChocoloco · 25/10/2023 17:23

Thanks for your advice@binkie163 I won’t be letting her make them feel the same way as I do any more.

OP posts:
Notquitegrownup2 · 25/10/2023 17:04

It's so hard isn't it? I was an only child too and heavily involved with caring for my mum who was . . . very different to me. It taps into all sorts of dynamics. You are an adult but are treated like a child and often still feel like a child, so react like it too.

Time to be grown up. And do understand that you can't change who she is now. You can only change how you react to her. Yy to therapy. And in the meantime decide for yourself how much time you plan to give her and stick to that, calmly and without letting guilt or other emotions get in the way.

"Hello Mum. I've brought the teabags you asked me to collect. I can stay for 30 minutes for a cup of tea. Shall I put the kettle on . . . .? (Have an hour set aside at this point in case she managed to find an emergency to detain you.)
Right. Need to go now. I will pop in again on Tuesday."

I really found "The selfish pigs guide to caring" a helpful book. Didn't read much of it but enough to be reminded that it's ok to feel resentment/frustration/etc when looking after a dependent. It's also ok to put yourself first. Like on the plane. Pull your own oxygen mask on before helping others. You are more use that way.

HTH

binkie163 · 25/10/2023 16:48

Manipulating you and your children is abuse. You will get some great advice here about setting firm boundaries. You are responsible for protecting your children, she has no rights over them or their time, don't let her use them. She has already told you she doesn't care about you or your children as long as she gets her own way. Talking to her hasn't worked maybe it's time to try not talking to her. I no longer speak to my parents because they also couldn't behave themselves.

Original poster
RoloChocoloco · 25/10/2023 16:47

Thanks for the reply @EducatingArti and I’ll have a listen to the podcasts. It’s so very difficult isn’t it.

OP posts:
EducatingArti · 25/10/2023 16:11

That kind of manipulation is abusive though, particularly if she was like that when you were a child. She relies on you feeling like "a bitch" in order to get you to do stuff.
It is a hard situation to deal with and I have found psychotherapy/counselling really helpful to deal with this. It is likely that you may discover that ways she has behaved that you think totally "normal" are actually outrageously bullying.

I've just put this link on another thread. You may find these podcasts helpful.

https://spotify.link/uRxhBylFbEb

Spotify

https://spotify.link/uRxhBylFbEb

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