What do you wish you'd talked about earlier?

Having lost my partner 6 months ago, I just want to add that having someone's passwords to online things doesn't mean you can log on as if you were them and shut down accounts or similar. What you will need is the death certificate and proof you are next of kin/executor - then the organisation will deal with you. They won't ask you for the password.

If you have been through this with elderly relatives, you understand the importance of being organsied before problems arise.
Dad is very open and we have had great conversations, so I know exactly what he wants. He has his papers in order, wishes written down and it makes it easier to assist him, when necessary.
My mother on the other hand has been a nightmare to deal with. I know nothing about her wishes, everything is guesswork.
I would recommend finding out about family history and get it written down. Digitise old photos with notes on who is in the photos.
Help them to declutter their home.
Read up on inheritance/probate/estate executive laws.
Keep important paperwork updated (wills, advanced wishes, funeral plans)
Ask relatives to make a folder of finances containing pension info, bank accounts, shares, investments, utility info, details of online accounts, direct debits & standing orders.
And another for personal documents e.g. birth, marriage certificates, passports, blue badges, driving licence, LPOA (if agreed)
Having it in an easy to find place makes it so much easier, especially if you are the executor of the will.
And once you have done it for them, do it for yourself. Much easier to keep up-to-date if you start younger.

I’ve tried to tell DC how to get into the safe but they are supremely uninterested. All official and financial papers sensibly filed, and a summary spreadsheet. Another spreadsheet listing everything in the house which is financially or emotionally valuable so they know what they’re throwing away. Good clear filing structure on computer so they can find funeral wishes. Am in process of updating EPA to LPA, updating will. Letters of wishes attached to all. Am about to write down everything a care home will need to know, including phobia which DC don’t know about.

What I regret is not listening more to family history.

I have a copy of his will because I helped him talk to the solicitor when he last revised it. And his letter of wishes attached to his PoA for Health. What would be useful to know is if he paid for a funeral plan.

Yes, I would be outraged if my DC were to start that conversation.

Especially as I’m the go-to person for advice on officialdom.

I know it's absolutely not the point of this thread but I wish I'd asked my mums experience of the menopause.she died when I was in my early 30s (she was early 60s) with a baby and 4 year old so it seemed a long way off.

I think also being aware that opinions will vary on the right time to move/downsize/stop driving etc.
Ideally the right time to downsize or move house is before you need to.....but before it's an imminent necessity, lots of people won't want to do that.

I am only 63 but have already put a lot of this in place. This is because my DD's father (my first husband) became ill and died soon afterwards 2 years ago.
He had left no valid will. All paperwork out of date and in a mess. A big house full of hoarded rubbish. No POA for finance or health and Welfare which made things difficult when he was ill.
I don't want DD and DS to have so many difficulties once I need help/become incapacitated so I have a paid funeral plan in place, an up to date will and both POAs. I have downsized my home and my DC know where to find all paperwork; and have log in information for my laptop. I have written an Advance Decision regarding how I wish to be cared for, with instructions on my wishes if I am unable to make decisions for myself. My GP practice and my DC have copies of that document.
I feel much happier knowing all this is in place.

Death + funerals, especially if only one parent is left.

I would particularly like a list of who should be informed in the event of a death - there are obvious ones, of course, but there will be others I don't know about.

It comes up sometimes for my mother the other way round, e.g. "I didn't hear from X at Christmas this year, I wonder if they're still alive..."

I tried to do it with my frail 90 year old parents. Both siblings over last few years made it clear to me that they will not deal with any paperwork, the house or remaining parent. I was particularly concerned about everything is in my dad's name only, house, pension, insurances all utilities. They have separate bank accounts so his could be frozen at death leaving utilities unpaid and no money for mum as his pension ends on his death. Mum's meager pension won't cover the heating bills or her care.
He will not discuss it and after a bit of an argument said he doesn't care what happens when he is dead, really grown up attitude dad.
There is a separate thread regarding probate and even with all the info to hand it looks daunting.

My parents are 80 and 82.

I've just asked them for a list of all their passwords. My dad, in particular has a complex series of hints written down for each password. It's a system I will never be able to work out, even though he's convinced I will!

I already have LPA for health and finance.

My DC all know it's there and have the passcode to my computer. None of them have looked at it though. They don't know the extent of the details I have put there. I just hope it means it's easier for them to deal with everything if either I can no longer do it or I die. I've given my youngest DS a £55k deposit to put down on his house and told him at the time I'd deduct it from his inheritance. In his letter I've gently reminded him he will be receiving £55k less than his siblings. In my other 2 DC's letters I've told them you will receive a bit more as you've not had much financial help, and they must not feel bad they are getting a bit more now. Also the big surprise is if they let out holiday home for 3-4 weeks a year that will pay for all taxes and upkeep and they can share it and all enjoy going on holiday there and draw lots for choices of weeks by each year and could choose to allow their cousins to holiday there too.

We had a rough year in 2022, lost four close family members of differing ages to various illnesses and old age. It concentrated our minds mightily in our little family. Now we all (parents in 60s, kid in late 20s) have written wills, and drawn up LPA naming each other. Everything is lodged centrally with appropriate bodies, so no worries about "where is the paper!" We have a monthly chat about everything, finances, health, property, career etc etc. It feels very freeing. We all know everything we need to know, to cope in a crisis.

What quality of life is the minimum acceptable level for them.

My mum told me years ago that being able to get around independently, either on her feet or in a wheelchair, was what made life worth living for her. It has been really helpful to know that.

Having recently been involved in organising a funeral where very few wishes had been expressed at any point by the deceased, who nevertheless was very particular about things being done right, I'd say it makes it a lot less fraught if anything important on that front is known in advance. I know when my father died, it was a great comfort to know that everything we did was decided by him beforehand. Saves family arguments too.

Get a clear filing system for all essential paperwork. POA is really difficult if you can't find what you need when the time comes.

@FusionChefGeoff if they are happy for you to have POA for health then it is imperative that you know their wishes re extent if treatments, resuscitation etc.
if they are unwell before POA health is activated then medical staff will make a best interests decision that will include their long held and expressed wishes.
I also second or maybe third the photo suggestion, I have also ended up with unidentified photos and no one to ask

I think knowing where important documents and other things actually ARE is vital.

I hope my mum had orgasms but not sure I'd ever have asked!

I echo pp who said family photos, but would expand to include parents memories of family history/ my early childhood. One parent has died and one has dementia and can't remember, and I feel a whole chunk of my personal history has gone as there's no one else to ask.

Also maybe if there's things they don't want you to know/ read. I keep a diary and I'm not sure I'd want dc to read it.

Do you have POA for them yet? DH and I have POA for each other but have realised that it makes sense to include our grownup kids as we get closer to 70.

Completely different thread, but I've always wanted to know if Mum ever had an orgasm. I didn't have the guts to ask.

I've given permission to my children to tell me when I should stop driving.

Absolutely echo the photos thing.

I have a desktop file on my computer entitled when I'm gone or need help. I this file on my computer there are about 5 A4 sheet stating all our bank accounts sort codes and passwords. Code for firesafe.

All debit and credit cards account numbers and passwords.

All details of our btl houses, who each mortgage is with, roughly how much is left to pay, how much rent is charged pcm, the tenants names, how long they have rented with us and their email and mobile phone numbers. Also roughly how much equity we think is in each house and the date we bought the house and price we paid. For future CGT purposes.

Details of holiday home, postal address, utilities account numbers.

French bank account details, password for debit cash card.

My utility bills in the UK. Who with, passwords etc.

Premium bonds.

A letter for each DC. Where our wills can be found.

Funeral wishes.

I update this about every 3-6 months so it should always be reasonably accurate.

My DC know about both DH and my health. We never hide any issues from them.

Maybe your parents could think about doing something similar. I know my sister has done the same for her DC.

Age UK has a useful booklet called 'The Life Book' for recording all sorts of information such as this. There is a hard copy and an online version available.

I have one myself and really must get round to filling it in!

Thank you, as someone who's getting older and aware of the need for conversations but a bit (or a lot!) daunted as to where to start and what needs covering, that's really helpful and you look like you've had a proper think about many of the approaching issues.