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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum’s put downs: how would you respond?

92 replies

LookOverHere · 14/10/2023 13:23

My 78 year old mum can be funny and charming at times, but can quickly become difficult and make nasty comments. Sometimes I blow up, sometimes I walk out, I sometimes feel like crying, but recently I ignore and silently seethe, because if I react she calls me touchy, and to me that’s the tactic of a bully. What do you think is the best response?

Recent comments include: “your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty” and many more gems like this…

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 14/10/2023 14:00

“your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty”

Your response should be to all of the above as - "I know, I take after you." said with a mock grimace.

evryevrytime · 14/10/2023 13:59

I would probably just say "how rude" each time, very calmly, then change the subject. Call her out but don't give her an emotional reaction.

TeeBee · 14/10/2023 13:59

I'd just have a stock reply: 'hello nasty old lady whose going to end up with nobody who cares about her because of her vicious tongue'.

Original poster
LookOverHere · 14/10/2023 13:58

@KStockHERO LOL yep very tempted to say that!

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 14/10/2023 13:56

Freshair1 · 14/10/2023 13:52

There's no law that says you must maintain contact with parents. Leave her to it.

This
stop visiting.

KStockHERO · 14/10/2023 13:55

Might "Fuck you, you nasty old cunt" work?

whiteroseredrose · 14/10/2023 13:54

'Meeow you are nasty. Careful mum you might make me not come back.'

Original poster
LookOverHere · 14/10/2023 13:54

@Flintwhistle Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat as me, there is no winning and it sucks. What was her relationship with her mum like? I think my mum is just playing out her own strained critical relationship with my grandma, which is such a shame as I know it hurt her a lot

OP posts:
Freshair1 · 14/10/2023 13:52

There's no law that says you must maintain contact with parents. Leave her to it.

Original poster
LookOverHere · 14/10/2023 13:51

OMG… becoming her… what a horrible thought! Hopefully my many years of therapy will prevent that…

OP posts:
Original poster
LookOverHere · 14/10/2023 13:50

Thanks for replying everyone - appreciate it. I’ve fought fire with fire but it makes me feel mental, losing control and being equally insulting, I feel crap afterwards. If I blow up she looks at me like I’m crazy, and then starts saying I’ve got anger management issues, and I think that’s the desired reaction; she wants the reaction, and I refuse to give it to her. If I try reason with her she also says I’m too touchy. I once walked out as soon as the first comment started; but it just started again next time I saw her. She is stubborn and absolutely refuses to change or consider the impact, because everyone else lets her get away with it; I’m the only person who cannot laugh it off.

OP posts:
Flintwhistle · 14/10/2023 13:46

My mother does this. It's very frustrating because pretty much any response is 'wrong'. I am over sensitive, or I have no sense of humour, or she didn't mean it. She likes to compare and contrast with other family members or her carers too. I visit in order to help her out but I go in with an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every single time! I try not to visit her on my own as she's better when there are more people there.
I have started leaving longer between visits, which helps my sanity. I think she might be making the connection between her being rude, and less contact from me. I can't chat with her about it because she makes herself out to be a victim every time. She can dish it out but can't take anything she perceives as criticism at all, however tactfully i try.

LuisVitton · 14/10/2023 13:39

Hi Mum, I’m phoning cos I don’t like your rude criticisms of me so we won’t be round for a bit,

OriginalUsername2 · 14/10/2023 13:34

I would bat them back at her every time. An insult gets an insult back, in a jokey, light-hearted tone.

TwilightSkies · 14/10/2023 13:32

‘Yeah they do say you start to turn into your mum as you get older’

velvetstars · 14/10/2023 13:31

Can you be direct and honest with her. "I don't understand why you're choosing to make such an unkind comment?" If she claims you're being touchy, give her a clear instruction "Do not comment on my appearance in future." Then change the subject.

If she does it again, calmly remind her you have told her not comment on your appearance so you'll be leaving. Then leave. Every time.

No need to debate it with her or let it deep into other conversations. Engage fully with everything she says that isn't about your appearance etc.

NutellaEllaElla · 14/10/2023 13:25

What has she said when you've pulled her up on the comments? Have you ever insulted her back, if so what did she do?

If she's relentlessly cruel, I'm wondering why you put yourself through speaking with her?

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