Mum’s put downs: how would you respond?

She’s negging you - trying to make you feel small so that she still has the upper hand. She keeps doing it because she know it gets a reaction and keeps you in your place. Best thing to do is laugh heartily and reply something like the following:

‘I know, mother dearest. I inherited it from you.’

’Ooh, saucer of milk. Table for one.’

’Does being spiteful come naturally to you, or did you have to work at it?’

’I truly am my mother’s daughter. Can’t wait for the saggy arse and flaky skin to kick in.’

‘Hello, Zitty’
’Hello, Big Nose’

’Your hair’s got thin’
’Unlike your back side’

’You have sturdy legs.’
’ Could be worse. At least I didn’t inherit your cankles’

‘You look like you just got out of prison’
’You look like you’re still in prison’

‘Your walking got very heavy’
’We’ll not be seeing you on Strictly Come Dancing anytime soon either’

It shows you’re not taking her seriously when she says something like that, that it doesn’t mean anything to you, and that if she chooses to insult you then she has to expect an insult back.

That's a lot easier said than done in my experience! Particularly with a parent who has always been difficult, there is usually a whole raft of denial. There is no doubt that mine is showing clear signs of dementia but at the moment she can still present beautifully for heath care professionals.

How did she respond @LookOverHere ?

This sounds as if it could be early signs of dementia. People say things that they never would normally. I would try to get her checked out.

Same for mine! It's very difficult

Welldone op. That was a big deal.

Lots of good tips on here, I need them too. Visiting my mother next week for the first time in ages, I've really cut it down due to the way she is

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder. I feel your pain. Website is amazing.

@LookOverHere well done, you deserve a rest from it for a while x

My DM can be like this. She once said "you've put weight on". It was met with "it'll take me a bloody long time to catch up with you though won't it?".

"D"M has always been a bit critical of everyone else's weight so this one didn't go down too well. I'd never usually say anything like that to anyone but she really pissed me off that day.

At the moment she's being as nice as pie though because I think that the penny has finally dropped that if she's horrible I just get up and go home.

Either go NC or, each time she says something nasty say : ' are you feeling OK, Mum? '

Keep saying that

She'll get bored eventually

TBH I’d say ‘If you’re going to be nasty, I’m going home now.’

My DM who had dementia, sometimes used to say horrible (and quite untrue) things about my dh and dds, it was very upsetting. Just once I said, ‘If you’re going to keep saying horrible things, I’m going home NOW!’ - and I meant it, and she must have known I did, since even with dementia, she did stop.
(I lived 60 miles away, so couldn’t be popping in non stop).

Your DM doesn’t even have the excuse of dementia! I wouldn’t feel in the least bad about walking out - after a warning. She must know that these comments upset you.

If I behaved like that to my adult daughter, she'd tell me not to be so rude and if I kept it up, she'd refuse to see me.

Your mother is bullying you with her belittling comments and you don't have to put up with it. Tell her very firmly to stop it and spell out the consequences if she doesn't. Ignore her calling you 'touchy' - just focus on making it clear that if she wants to be in your life, she has to stop insulting you.

This is a good tactic. Her actions would then have consequences, without her having the satisfaction of seeing you get annoyed or upset.

I did something that actually made a difference.
I prepared very carefully for the conversation and made notes of what I wanted to say. Bullet points including examples, the impact her unpleasant comments had on me. I went round as usual and said I needed her to listen, and very calmly, keeping my voice steady, even though I was very nervous, went through my “script”. I ended by saying that I found the way she spoke to me rude and completely unacceptable and said I would not tolerate it in future. I didn’t make any threats like “I won’t see you again”. Obviously she tried to argue, asked me for examples (I had plenty) but after this short conversation I refused to be drawn any further even though she was going into nervous breakdown mode in front of me (“I don’t know why you’re speaking to me like this” etc etc). I changed the subject to normal matters and left in a pleasant way.
I was very fortunate in that after this, to my amazement, my mother changed her attitude towards me and left out the nasty comments, mainly. Every time it seemed to be starting again I calmly said that I wouldn’t tolerate it. My mother proved that she was capable of reflection and change and not everyone is. And I had to really be brave to do it, as I felt completely sick before and during and after my little “speech” but it was definitely worth it.
Mum is no longer what she was due to cognitive decline and luckily her personality has changed for the better as a result, but we had several much easier years beforehand.

I agree with this:

A simple, 'The insults have started so I'm off' and leave, every time.

No emotional response, no counter attack, no comment back to her, and no 'flouncing'. Calmly gather your things and walk out the door at the first insulting word out of her mouth. If she says anything else, keep on walking. You aren't going to change her, so the best thing to do is remove yourself from 'the problem'.

I wouldn't care if we were in the middle of a meal, sitting and watching telly, or just chatting over tea, I'd stop what I was doing and leave.

You could laugh it off and tell her you always look forward to her criticism and can't wait for next week's. Maybe even tell her that the last few have been quite unimaginative so she really needs to up her game.

If it's about your appearance tell her it's clearly genetic.

A simple, 'The insults have started so I'm off' and leave, every time.

I’d stop seeing her

Yep my mum does this.

Currently pregnant and she’s told me to lose weight and “in January lose weight” the same month baby arrives…

And if I lose weight my pregnancy won’t be so bad and I’m dramatic about it. I’m not massively overweight bmi about 28/29 and I was losing weight when I was trying to get pregnant and I asked the midwives if I should continue and they said no just maintain.

Also got my hair cut because I was fed up of brushing it… and got told that it looked better longer and blonder.

Oh and she’s called me a tramp before because of my choice of clothing.

Every time I try defend myself she just goes on about some crap about me not being happy…

I'd recommend microblading. Totally changed my brows.

You need to practise the emotional detachment. Don't reply at all to these hurtful comments and definitely get up and leave every time. That's what I did. She's looking for a response. Don't give her one.

Yes she was