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Original poster

Mum’s put downs: how would you respond?

92 replies

LookOverHere · 14/10/2023 13:23

My 78 year old mum can be funny and charming at times, but can quickly become difficult and make nasty comments. Sometimes I blow up, sometimes I walk out, I sometimes feel like crying, but recently I ignore and silently seethe, because if I react she calls me touchy, and to me that’s the tactic of a bully. What do you think is the best response?

Recent comments include: “your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty” and many more gems like this…

OP posts:
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Myneedycat · 20/10/2023 09:29

evryevrytime · 14/10/2023 13:59

I would probably just say "how rude" each time, very calmly, then change the subject. Call her out but don't give her an emotional reaction.

I vote for this response. My mother is the same OP.
it’s horrible. I think that now she seems to be in the early stages of dementia I am more tolerant. She rambles incoherently, switches tack, gets emotional and doesn’t remember what she said yesterday. Somehow that helps me cope.

Startyabastard · 19/10/2023 16:41

Well done for confronting her, OP.

Original poster
LookOverHere · 19/10/2023 16:28

@doodleZ1 Thank you - your comment resonates deeply. I’m reading the material on the out of the fog site: WOW. Some of the tactics are so familiar to me, specifically being shamed (for how I look, my choices, my sensitivity etc). I’ll bring this into my therapy; there’s a direct link between that behaviour and my shaky self confidence. If anyone else wants to read it’s here - a few wise posters have mentioned it (thank you all): https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do

What NOT To Do — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

The Non-PD "Recycle Bin"

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 18/10/2023 21:02

“Reports say that dementia makes elderly people lash out - just so you know.”

That should pull her up.

Snugglemonkey · 18/10/2023 20:47

pumpkinspicedbogroll · 14/10/2023 14:01

My Dad can be like this. I have learnt that he likes the reaction so I don't react, I just agree with him or thank him and talk about something else.
"You've put weight on"
"Yep, shall I make a drink?"
"Your hair is messy"
"Thanks for telling me, have you seen DSIS recently?"
He does it far less now he knows it doesn't have his desired effect.

God you are patient! I just could not be doing with this.

Helenahandkart · 18/10/2023 20:17

My mum does this too. I say to her ‘Did your mother say things like that to you when you were my age?’ She says yes. I say ‘And did it make you feel happy? Or did it make you think she was a nasty old woman?’

doodleZ1 · 18/10/2023 19:42

It’s FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.Because they’ve been brought up in a household where this is normal and your parent is the boss and they are not allowed to stand up for themselves even as an adult. If they do the parent escalates and is out of control as they totally over react. There are few limits as they have to win. It’s always walking on eggshells not to annoy them. I just wish that I had went no contact with my parents decades ago. This behaviour is abuse and it’s not normal and it’s taken me a lifetime to acknowledge that I put up with it as a child but I should not have put up with it as an adult.

Original poster
LookOverHere · 18/10/2023 14:30

@Finfinfin Thank you for taking the time to reply. I notice when I add qualifiers to my descriptions of her, and you’re right that this is often heard when we talk of abusive romantic relationships. I think it’s really difficult to admit to ourselves and openly state that a parent is behaving badly towards us. It’s taboo to criticise parents, the guilt kicks in, and it can strike deep in us; if my own mum thinks that I’m not worthy of gentleness and respect, is there something truly wrong with me? To all who are experiencing this: there is nothing wrong with us. We are all innately valuable and worthy human beings.

OP posts:
StasisMom · 18/10/2023 13:39

Is she like my beloved mother, who thinks that because it's "the truth", it's fine to say it?

Finfinfin · 18/10/2023 13:29

OP, please remember that this is an abusive relationship.

What you've described across your posts is an abusive relationship going right back to your childhood.

When abuse starts that young it gets normalised by the child.

And sometimes I see people on here explaining that their partner is "lovely most of the time." Like he's only horrible and abusive sometimes... So the relationship is mostly OK ... Just like you say that your mum has her good points. This is common in abusive relationships; the abuser gives just enough niceness to try to make you stick around to take the abuse. IT'S STILL AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. In a good relationship there is NO abuse.

You really, really don't have to stay in a relationship of any kind with your abuser.

longtompot · 18/10/2023 11:41

What about calling her by her mums name when she says these things to you, and if she says anything, just reply oh, you reminded me so much of Gran when you said that or something similar. It might make her think.
Well done on your recent phone conversation with her. Maybe a few more conversations like that might start to have an effect.
Or sadly, probably not as it sounds so ingrained in her, so maybe just taking a large step back from her, for your own peace of mind.

rookiemere · 18/10/2023 10:42

I wouldn't be hurtful back. I would come up with a few stock phrases "That's a nasty thing to say" "If you can't say something nice, please say nothing " and the one that might get through " Mother when you say things like that it makes me not want to spend time with you".

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/10/2023 10:01

I’m not sure trying to be equally hurtful back is the way to go. The comment won’t have come from a pure desire to hurt, it’ll be “saying things as they are” “honesty between mother and daughter” or simply declining cognition. You are much more important in her life than she is in yours. So I’d go for cutting the visit/phone call short. @JessicaFletcherMSW ‘s approach is good, too. Cutting the hurt to you without being nasty back.

With my own mother I just let it roll off me. Unpleasant remarks were only occasional, but her response to me telling her she was having her first grandchild (back in the days when bride’s parents paid, and sex before marriage was not approved of) was “well, at least that’ll save the cost of the wedding”. It didn’t upset me - I was emotionally sure of myself - but as mothers’ comments went I thought it was rather a corker.

Flintwhistle · 18/10/2023 09:55

@JessicaFletcherMSW I like that scoring game! We do bingo with mine - a point for a particular complaint or criticism as the same ones tend to pop up. The out of 10 one will mix it up nicely!

BlueKaftan · 18/10/2023 09:44

Casually drop a brochure for a local funeral home with a dog eared page on choosing caskets.

JessicaFletcherMSW · 18/10/2023 09:37

Look up medium chill/grey rock. Say nothing and give nothing of yourself other than a light pleasant airy superficial chat. There is no way to make someone not want to be mean to you but you can reduce the hurt. We did that with one of my DH relatives. A score out of 10 for effort (ooh they’ve worked hard on that one gives them a 10) and then a score out of 10 for impact (ooh that one burned to the core gives a 10). Give it a go. It really works to leave the behaviour where it belongs with them. My DH’s relative barely bothers now - I presume because we’ve stopped feeling hurt so it stops giving them what they wanted when they behaved that way.

longwayoff · 18/10/2023 09:01

Watch yourself mother. I'll be choosing your care home soon.

Original poster
LookOverHere · 18/10/2023 08:40

@Flintwhistle She got very defensive initially; like a typical school bully she always blames the reaction of her target. On the criticisms of what I look like, I said it absolutely must stop and she said “ok…” in a slightly sarcastic way but didn’t answer back. We’ve been here before. It’s not dementia, she’s always been like this; she used to say “I just don’t like you” when I was in primary school. No wonder I ended up in therapy. My gran had a vicious tongue and sadly my mum just went into autopilot and adopted the same streak. I think the advice of many to get up and walk is right, I need to keep doing that. It is bizarre that an adult ignores verbal warnings and needs consequences, like training a pet, and horrible that it’s my own parent, and confusing when she can be very nice to other people. It’s really messed up. Wishing everyone a peaceful (and parent conflict free!) week 🙏

OP posts:
PatchworkOwl · 18/10/2023 08:34

"Oh, you sound just like your mum when you say things like that"

"That reminds me of granny"

"You're turning into your mum with those comments"

"That's like something Granny X would have said, isn't it?"

Make her think about how she's repeating the pattern of behaviour. I doubt she'll like seeing the similarities between herself and her own mother.

When you've had enough for the day, you can say something like "Right, I've had enough of your Granny X comments for today, I'm off. I wonder how you'll channel her next time."

ALittleTeawithmilk · 18/10/2023 08:29

TwilightSkies · 14/10/2023 13:32

‘Yeah they do say you start to turn into your mum as you get older’

Fuck I hope not!

I want to turn into Isabella Rossellini!

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 18/10/2023 08:19

Sounds like you responded and explained excellently @LookOverHere ! How did she respond to what you said?

Love @ElleCapitaine 's replies! Brilliant

Original poster
LookOverHere · 18/10/2023 08:14

@ElleCapitaine Made me laugh so much - these are brilliant - thank you!

OP posts:
Hibambinos · 18/10/2023 08:06

Call her out and be blunt . I always find a “why do you say such nasty things to your own daughter?” Calls it out for exactly what it is. Then when you are called touchy, I would “yes I am, I am also leaving” so you make your boundaries clear and then leave her to it.

LizzyLongbow · 18/10/2023 07:50

Well done OP

Loverofoxbowlakes · 18/10/2023 07:40

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 14:22

Why are you choosing to spend time with her? Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you owe her anything. Set yourself free from this bullshit.

It took me a while to get to this point with my DM - I was the one who lived locally, did all the running around and still got all the little and constant digs made at me. She was on best behaviour when golden sibling visited, and would drop everything when summonsed by them.

One day I did just use the mn classic 'do you realise how rude that is, do you mean to be so rude?' and just walked out. We were nc for a while but I put in boundaries which she mostly respected (to my face, she still slagged me off to dsibling even though I was doing ALL the jobs/visits/hospital appts etc)