Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Mums LinkedIn photo

35 replies

TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 15:34

So… my mother is retired but dabbles in a few startups. She is still very active on LinkedIn and send plenty of messages on there, including to my sisters contacts. They work in the same industry. My sister has manage to pave a really nice career for herself whilst mum stayed at entry level throughout.

The main issue with all of this is, her profile picture is pretty much her dressed up in a Halloween costume with fake hair, huge cleavage and a crazy hat. She is 70+

How can I open up a conversation with her about this and get her to change it to a more normal looking photo!?

I’m worries that if I’m to direct she will go all teenager on me and say: I’ll do what I want!

please find a way to word it for me!? Thanks!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
JustAMinutePleass · 12/10/2023 21:22

Your sister can report her to LinkedIn for harassing her and her contacts.

Lavenderosa · 12/10/2023 21:22

@MargotBamborough I was going to suggest that because it's definitely what I'd do but I chickened out of saying it! Glad you did! My version was to keep her account but get in and delete all her contacts while the sister blocks her.

MargotBamborough · 12/10/2023 21:19

Also... I'm not sure how savvy your mum is with passwords and so on, but if you can guess what hers is you could probably get into her account and delete the whole thing. Blame it on being hacked.

MargotBamborough · 12/10/2023 21:16

I'm pretty sure your sister can change her privacy settings so no one can see who all her contacts are?

Or she could go for the nuclear option and just block her on LinkedIn.

Original poster
TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 21:04

That is a good suggestion @Daffidale, perhaps that can be her Xmas present from me! A 1h session with a “career advisor! “ anyone who will be able to put an end to the crazy 😂🙈😭

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 21:02

Yes, you are all so right… we have been putting up with her crap for so long… you know the whole boil the frog thing. And when it’s just a little bit at the time and when it’s your mum you just put up with it. Its now when I’m seeing your guys reactions to this that it’s properly hitting home how crazy this is…

Us daughters have also used the word narcissist in conjunction with her plenty of times, so it’s not an easy task to handle or situation to be in…

I don’t think she will ever come of LinkedIn, I think she loves feeling like she is part of it… In a way it’s good that she has something to do, but it is getting very destructive. Will chat to my sisters again, and we might have to come down really hard on her and tell her to stop contacting people on it.

don’t think my sister can message all her contacts either, there are about 500 of them and not sure she would be comfortable doing that… but perhaps she must… 😩

OP posts:
Daffidale · 12/10/2023 20:20

Oh gosh what a nightmare! Lots of good suggestions already about blocking, setting things so only sisters contacts can see her contacts etc… I agree with all of them

I also wonder if you could take would be to suggest she gets some professional help with “optimising her LinkedIn Profile” as part of her innovator/entrepreneur activities. One of those social media or “personal branding” consultants. I’m sure they would immediately pick up on the wacky photo and inappropriate messaging. At least that way someone else gives her the message too. You probably need to find someone for her and brief them in advance - cos risk is otherwise they recommend asking your sister for introductions!!

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/10/2023 18:33

Perhaps your sister should un-connect with your Mum, then she won't have access to her contacts.

I'm surprised your Mum isn't getting loads of creepy contact requests, I get an annoying amount with a dull picture.

Lavenderosa · 12/10/2023 18:31

"If I were your sister is message all her contacts to tell them it's possible your mother is ill, that she's messaging people inappropriately and could they all delete her as a friend and not re-establish links."

Absolutely! Then block the mother from Sister's account. In addition, it's totally reasonable for you both to tell your mother that if in future she contacts any of your colleagues or friends for any reason, you'll stop seeing her because you are not putting up with her selfish behaviour. Be firm and don't feel guilty. She needs to know what the boundaries are in your lives and that you're serious about sticking to them. If I did this to my adult children (I wouldn't) they'd go bananas and I'd be in the doghouse for ages (and quite rightly).

SylvieLaufeydottir · 12/10/2023 18:26

Getting your DM to stop isn't really an option on the table. You've tried and failed. I think your only option is harm minimisation.

That means locking down your DSis's LinkedIn and any other social media so your DM can't see her contacts or any of her activity, and probably your DSis proactively contacting anyone she suspects your DM may have already contacted to say "if you are contacted by $Mum, I apologise in advance, I've asked her not to contact people in my network, we have concerns about her behaviour". Most people understand having a difficult relative and will be very forgiving.

OneLittleFinger · 12/10/2023 18:20

If I were your sister is message all her contacts to tell them it's possible your mother is ill, that she's messaging people inappropriately and could they all delete her as a friend and not re-establish links.

MidnightOnceMore · 12/10/2023 18:13

TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 16:33

You are right that all of this is outside our control and that is how we/I have been treating it for years now.

She does contact my sisters contacts, as in private messages, anyone can do that right? I’m not very clued up on linkedin myself.

She wrote a really long email to my sisters contact about her whole life story and also some work related things about getting him to buy her(unsuccessful) company, but it is all so sad and embarrassing. She then asked him not to tell sister about the email, hence revealing she is her mother. He messaged my sister asking what/who this crazy person was. Very awkward.

Either your mum doesn't understand what she's doing, or she does?

If she does, it would make me very angry, because she's making life deliberately difficult for her own daughter.

Jellycats4life · 12/10/2023 18:03

I know the word narcissist gets thrown around MN like confetti, but it does sound like she’s getting a lot of narc fuel from LinkedIn, as in this:

On LinkedIn she gets to pretend that she is an entrepreneur and an innovator and gets to hang out with “her people”. She attends a lot of virtual meeting, that are open to anyone. Luckily doesn’t get to speak, but still. Books her life around it

You also say there’s a lot of history of her making your life difficult. I mean she’s sabotaging her daughter’s work life right now.

greenbeansnspinach · 12/10/2023 17:54

CouId your sister maybe message all her Linkdin contacts and say that her mum is a bit bonkers and just to ignore her? I’m older myself and not sure how this platform works so apologise if this suggestion itself is bonkers …

potatoheads · 12/10/2023 17:51

I'd lie and tell people she has dementia

Original poster
TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 17:40

She has always been strange though, and very self centred, but it is def getting worse, and more extreme. And it's not really impacted us before. No, that's a lie, it's impacted us our whole lives and she has no idea, but that's for another day. But now it's impacting my sisters professional life instead of of "just" our mental health.

Could possibly angle her towards voluntary work, but not sure if she will be interested. Possibly if it was the right thing, like pretending to be the CEO of a successful company... 😂

Think I might try to combine the AI image creator idea with the "helping" her to log in and also having a little snoop around, idea! Thank you! Then perhaps I can log in every once in a while to do some damage control... Seriously... So now my kids are no longer toddlers I have to babysit the mother... 🙄

OP posts:
Distantview · 12/10/2023 17:31

It does sound though she struggles to find purpose and status in her life post-retirement and perhaps also needs some extra income?

Giving up fulltime employment is a huge, huge life change.

If she doesn't need the income, is there some voluntary work she could do which would use the skills she does have to good effect?

Original poster
TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 17:21

Thanks @Distantview yes she has pretty much said as much to the people she knows has received emails from mum. She is just really worried about the people she doesn’t know about… 😳

Yes, good plan with “helping” her with it and also snooping a bit. Might have to attempt something like that.

she used to be on Facebook a lot and posted all sort of crap.(photos of meals, random pigeons, you get the idea) but didn’t get the attention she was hoping for. On LinkedIn she gets to pretend that she is an entrepreneur and an innovator and gets to hang out with “her people”. She attends a lot of virtual meeting, that are open to anyone. Luckily doesn’t get to speak, but still. Books her life around it, ie: can’t meet you for lunch today TiredMum as I have a meeting at 1pm. Treating it like it’s a job… 🙄 Don’t think anyone replies to anything she posts, but as she comments on so many things she feel like she is “part of it all”…

Then she will come around on the weekend, or stay over and behave like a normal grandmother to the grandkids and us. Like a split personality almost… it is all very strange…

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 17:12

Yes it’s not a nice situation… will tell my sis about the private contact list and suggest blocking mum. Think a lot of damage has been done unfortunately and mum has managed to “befriend” lots of contacts as people often just accept a request right!? 🙈 Her photo was not always as bonkers as it is right now…

OP posts:
Distantview · 12/10/2023 17:02

This is very tricky, it sounds as though your mum is attention-seeking.
Usually mums care about their daughters though - would she respond well if you point out that LinkedIn isn't like Facebook and her actions are actually harming your sister's career? And ask her what she would like to achieve as there may be better platforms for her to be on to do that? She could set up a Facebook business page instead perhaps?

In the meantime, you could offer to take a more professional Linked photo and upload it for her. (While you're there, have a look and see who the hell she's contacted!)

From your sister's pov, at least for now, I'd be telling anyone she's contacted that your mum is a bit batty and to ignore her messages.

Meadowflower2023 · 12/10/2023 16:43

Meadowflower2023 · 12/10/2023 15:39

She sounds fun!

I think I'd go along the lines of people perhaps might not be able to recognise her from the picture she's chosen with it being a little whacky. Good luck OP!

Scratch my last message! Reading your updates OP it's more than the photo that's the issue. This is way more strange/extreme than I originally thought! I can't offer any help as I'm not very savvy with LinkedIn but good luck! Sounds like you'll need it 🤦🏼‍♀️

Spudlover · 12/10/2023 16:42

I would be massively stressed too, I use LinkedIn quite a lot and would consider this an attempt to discredit your sister and assuming she is still with it, malicious.

First of all get your sister to set her contacts list to private, then block your Mum. It should help prevent any further damage.

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 12/10/2023 16:37

God that's awful. No wonder your sister is stressed!

Does your mum have the help she needs? Could you get into her account and lock her out/delete it secretly?

Original poster
TiredMumOrMidlifeCrisis · 12/10/2023 16:33

You are right that all of this is outside our control and that is how we/I have been treating it for years now.

She does contact my sisters contacts, as in private messages, anyone can do that right? I’m not very clued up on linkedin myself.

She wrote a really long email to my sisters contact about her whole life story and also some work related things about getting him to buy her(unsuccessful) company, but it is all so sad and embarrassing. She then asked him not to tell sister about the email, hence revealing she is her mother. He messaged my sister asking what/who this crazy person was. Very awkward.

OP posts:
HoHoHoliday · 12/10/2023 16:21

However frustrating this may be, I don't see that you can do anything to stop her.
Your mum is her own person, you are not responsible for her, nor your sister. LinkedIn is a platform open to anyone. Her photo is her own choice and whatever messages and posts she publishes are her own choice. Other people on LinkedIn can choose to be connected with her or not, so if people are seeing these videos then it's because they have chosen to. Your sister's contacts don't see your mum's posts unless they are also your mum's contacts, and if so they will have chosen to be.
Is your sister concerned because your mum is sending messages to people saying "I'm (sister's) mum please can we work together?" or is your sister just embarrassed at the idea of your mum being in the same industry area?