hospice called to tell me my dad's breathing had changed?

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/10/2023 21:50

I'm sorry for your loss.

It will get better - as you get further away, the memory of his last day will no longer be all enveloping and the memories of earlier and happier days will start becoming more prominent.

Paperbagsaremine · 30/09/2023 09:48

Sorry for your loss OP.

One thought that occurred to me: if you had not been there, you might have come to worry about your Dad's final hours - whether the nurses were being entirely truthful about his passing being peaceful. Sometimes people do.

You know, for sure, what his final hours were like, you know that you were with him. Nobody can ever take that away from you.

restie · 29/09/2023 20:18

You would have given him comfort at the end, how lovely that you were able to do that.
As others have said, those last images will fade with time and be replaced with happier ones...

Sisterpita · 29/09/2023 19:58

so sorry for your loss.

SummerWillow · 29/09/2023 17:57

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was present when my Dad died. The images played over and over in my mind for a long time but now have faded. I'm glad I was there and he looked so peaceful and almost smiling afterwards. It's not something we are ever prepared for.

TheShellBeach · 29/09/2023 17:48

I'm so sorry.
Please don't beat yourself up over your reaction when he died.
You were there and he would have been aware of your presence.
Nobody knows how they'll respond to a situation like this. You did nothing wrong.

Tiredalwaystired · 29/09/2023 17:42

You will look back in this and take comfort from the fact that you were there. You were the last person he was aware of. You helped.

the days and weeks and months ahead will be hard. Not every day. Worse in the beginning. But it does get better. Give yourself all the time you need. Sending love, from someone how has now done this three times xxx

C8H10N4O2 · 29/09/2023 16:59

falstaff1980 · 29/09/2023 15:32

Thanks all for your words on that awful day.

I did go to the hospice, and found that my fathers breathing seemed the same to me as it had been the last couple of days and as it got late in the evening I was thinking about going home to sleep and come back the next morning. Then my father's breathing really did change, two loud gasps and then his breathing stopped. I had my hand on his arm at the time, but I wish I could have handled things better, my reaction was to run out of room shouting for the nurse to come, and then just crumple onto a sofa in a separate visitors room, I didn't go back to see my father.

My family were glad that I was there, but it was traumatic for me, and something my memory keeps taking me back to. A part of me wishes my I last memory of him was when he was sat up in the hospital bed a few days before smiling and joking.

Sorry for your loss.

Try to keep in mind that because you were he died with someone who loved him holding him and wasn't alone at the end. That may be helpful to you and over time the good memories will move to the forefront.

Sausagedognamedmash · 29/09/2023 16:54

I am so sorry for your loss. Death is such a hard thing to witness even when relatively peaceful. I sat with my grandad as he passed 18 months ago and whilst the memory is still there of those final distressing hours, it has diminished and the lifetime of other memories do take over. Take care of yourself, there is no time line for grief.

RLmadmum · 29/09/2023 16:47

I'm so sorry for your loss 💔

WitchDancer · 29/09/2023 16:38

My condolences on your loss, may he rest in peace on the Glory of our Lord.

I'm sorry this was traumatic for you, however what you did was a perfectly normal reaction. Maybe you could go and see him in the chapel of rest and spend time with him, but only if you feel there is anything you feel you need to say to him.

Grief is very much like when a stone drops in a pond. At first the waves are big but over time they spread out and diminish in size. Be kind to yourself and remember there is no right or wrong way to morn.

harriethoyle · 29/09/2023 16:31

@falstaff1980 I'm so sorry to hear this. It won't be any consolation right now but the distressing bits of the run up to my mum's death faded over time and lost their potency. I hope you find the same 🌺

MrsMarzetti · 29/09/2023 16:29

So sorry your Dad has gone. It is very early days and your brain is still trying to process it ( i am many months down the line) it will get easier for you and at some point you might become glad that you were there holding your Dads hand in the hours before his death and you may take comfort in the fact that he didn't die alone. Be gentle on yourself, there is no right or wrong way.

Fink · 29/09/2023 16:23

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know it's really hard to be there in the end, even for a relatively peaceful passing. But in time maybe you will be able to take comfort knowing that, even though he couldn't show it, your dad might have still been aware of your presence and been comforted that he wasn't alone. Some people do get scared as they approach death, and having a loved one there can really calm and soothe them. He wouldn't have been able to communicate that, of course, but he might still have sensed you there.

FortyFacedFuckers · 29/09/2023 16:00

I'm so sorry OP 🩷

Just to say I have been through similar and as time goes on I don't remember those awful last few moments and remember the happier times and it gives me comfort to know my family member wasn't alone, I hope in time you feel the same

Maddy70 · 29/09/2023 15:57

Just go. They don't call you unnecessarily

StrandedStarfish · 29/09/2023 15:57

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your Dad would have known you were there and would have been grateful for your presence.

TickTickTock · 29/09/2023 15:55

Please don't be hard on yourself for how you handled it. You reacted in the way you needed to at the time and that is ok. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you feel traumatised after this. Grief and loss affects everyone differently. Bereavement counselling could help you to process everything. Take good care ❤️

REP22 · 29/09/2023 15:55

I'm so sorry. Please don't beat yourself for how you reacted in the moment - we never know how we will respond in the moment until we are there.

It is still raw and stark - you still have your memories of your dad as he was, and they will hopefully take precedence in time,

Sending love and best wishes. x

Pumpkinslice · 29/09/2023 15:37

My dad's breathing got quicker the day before he died, last week. It's hard being there at the end, but I'm glad I was, sending you hugs and hope you're doing OK.

UsingChangeofName · 29/09/2023 15:34

Sorry for your loss falstaff

Original poster

falstaff1980 · 29/09/2023 15:32

Thanks all for your words on that awful day.

I did go to the hospice, and found that my fathers breathing seemed the same to me as it had been the last couple of days and as it got late in the evening I was thinking about going home to sleep and come back the next morning. Then my father's breathing really did change, two loud gasps and then his breathing stopped. I had my hand on his arm at the time, but I wish I could have handled things better, my reaction was to run out of room shouting for the nurse to come, and then just crumple onto a sofa in a separate visitors room, I didn't go back to see my father.

My family were glad that I was there, but it was traumatic for me, and something my memory keeps taking me back to. A part of me wishes my I last memory of him was when he was sat up in the hospital bed a few days before smiling and joking.

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 26/09/2023 08:42

falstaff1980 · 25/09/2023 15:47

The nurse who called didn't want to say anything more though. Searching on the internet it seems breathing does change in the last hours or days. I'd like to be with my father at the end, but how can I know how long he's got and how to manage if I'm there in his room for days? Or perhaps I should just keep visiting twice daily as I normally do, and ensure I get enough rest to be better able to handle the days after he passes. Background is he went into the hospice last Thursday, after two horrendous days of attempting to care for him at home (after he left hospital), last time I saw him drink a sip of water was Wednesday night, and hospice say they've not given him anything other than end-of-life drugs (no fluid drips or anything), he just sleeps all the time. I was lead to believe we could go three days without water, but my dad is going on for 5.

I work with elderly and vulnerable residents. The truth is if all fluids have ended and breathing has changed then your Dad is drawing close to the end, as people have already said. I've made many of those calls.

There is no 'right or wrong' way for you to act now. Just 'your' way. Do what feels right for you. Go in, if you feel the need to stay then do so. If you feel you need to say your goodbyes and leave, that's ok too.

I think perhaps I'm late to the thread and possibly your Dad has passed on already. If so then I wish you peace and good memories. If not, then I won't send strength, you already have it, you just didn't know it xxx

Borntobeamum · 26/09/2023 08:00

I sat with both my mum and dad as they passed.
I too believe it’s a privilege and I was able to tell them what amazing parents they had been and that they were going to be safe.
It sounds morbid, but I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. It was peaceful and quite beautiful.

x

Lookingforasilverlining · 26/09/2023 02:03

My thoughts are with you @falstaff1980. X