Clearing out the house after the death of a parent

Probably one of the worst things I've ever had to do was to clear my parents home when they had to go into a care home. They'd lived there for over 50 years and it was stuffed full, albeit in an organised way.
I had some advice to take photos of things that I didn't want to keep but might want to see again.
I used to go with my husband and do a few hours, then go for a walk in the park or out for coffee as a 'reward'. It was a horrible process but needed to be done.

Keep going.

So sorry for your loss.

My parents both died in 2021 and it took me and my 2 siblings months and months to sort the house out. They were collectors of lots of different things and also both had lots of clothes, books, plants, ornaments etc.

We gave quite a lot of things to charity but I couldn't get over the feeling of getting rid of all the things they had bought and collected over the years. They never had much money so none of the items were valuable but I knew they meant something to them. It felt like throwing their lives away.

Me and DH ended up taking an awful lot of their things - clothes, books, ornaments, furniture whereas my 2 siblings didn't take anywhere near as much.

We had to rent a storage unit to put it a lot of it! For ages I could not even go to the unit but I am now able to go and sort it out a bit and hope to be able to get rid of the unit by Christmas.

It is very difficult

What is the charity? Mine is just sitting in the loft and that's a lovely cause.

We just used a house clearance firm. Cost about £1k and the house was totally empty after 2 days. No hassle/stress whatsoever.

Forgot that part of my mums white satin wedding dress went to a charity that makes christening and burial gowns for late miscarriages and stillbirths. Lovely to find a use for things - my mum told me she no longer had it as it had got muddle when having pictures take. Really shocked to find it behind winter coats in her wardrobe

I have my mum's cardigan and one of my dad's favourite shirts in my own wardrobe. Mum died 12 years ago and I vaguely planned to get a memory bear or similar made but not yet got round to it!

I remember one of the hardest things were sorting out her work shoes and coat by the door, just waiting for her to come back.

💔 that's so hard.

We left my dad's walking coat & backpack in the utility room where they were always kept.

It's 5 years now & I feel more emotional looking at them, than I've done before. Like he will definitely come back to use them.

Absolutely take your time OP, it is so overwhelming sorting through someone’s belongings. You wish you could keep it all!

My Mum died suddenly aged 60, 3 years ago and I remember one of the hardest things were sorting out her work shoes and coat by the door, just waiting for her to come back. I had to do it in stages as it was too difficult to sort out her clothes still with tags on she had bought for summer. Most stuff went to charity or given away to family if they could make use of it. I kept a few of her cardigans and jewellery in the end

Mum will be moving to a care home in future. It’s a rented flat so we get 2 weeks grace to clear it. Sibling and I will probably move most of the personal things to my house and chuck / sell quickly the furniture.

its mostly books and a few bits that belonged to her parents.

DSis has already lifted bits she wants without telling me but I know she has form for this

I’m so sorry for your loss. We have just DH Mum alive still and she is a hoarder. I have told DH when she goes his sister and him should go through and take what they want and then I will deal with it if they like because I have no emotional attachment to her stuff at all.

This reminds me of my DGM situation. She lived to a few months short of 100, and with my parents for the last 10 years of her life, so we were very close.

The family kept her own home during that period but over the years two of the siblings began clearing it out, which was fine.

It was only after her death we realised how much they'd thrown out, including a wonderful collection of letters she had, exchanged between her & 2 of her sisters-in-law. They were wonderful & regular letter-writers, and all loved travel as retirees so they were fascinating. My DGM used to give them to me to read so they weren't private in that sense.

All gone. 😔

They were a terrific social history as much as anything.

My own mother has got ruthless after my DF's death - she had his clothes gone quickly & I'd love to have had a chance to keep something.

We had 2 weeks to clear my nannas home of over 50 years, rental (yes rented the whole time could have bought it many times over) it's upsetting but having a deadline helped. I kept a few things

I’m glad you are taking your time to go through everything. My father in law died just before lockdown so DH cleared everything out of their loft and put it all in one bedroom. We have a friend who does house clearances and said he’d clear the lot. I would have liked more time to have looked through everything before it all went. In fact we had just started sorting stuff when our friend arrived. It was very disheartening watching them break up furniture.

When my paternal grandmother died, my mum was all for chucking out the piles of 'stuff' without a second thought however dad insisted on going through them and found his great uncles war medals, old photographs and other family treasures that would have just been lost. Yes 99% of it was rubbish - shopping lists from 1990 (!) and electricity bills from the same era but those precious 1% items - he's so glad he didn't lose them. He found it impossible to start the clearance so mum had to take the lead.

I'm currently doing this whilst mum is still alive. She is in hospital with terminal cancer.

I'm throwing out everything that isn't nailed down. She isn't able to walk anymore so she won't see what I've done and it won't stress her out.

She's something of a hoarder too.

Spot on Catinawhirl. Stuff went to local refuge, the neighbours, her friends, charity shops and even a rather niche museum. It was quite therapeutic but also quite sad. There were things that had been in her “bottom drawer” when she married that had been saved for best and then never used. I’m now using the tea set and some of the tablecloths I don’t save things for best I use them and enjoy them.It has changed my attitude to a few things.

I'm now pleased I took the time to go through DMs things and consider everything, either to keep, give to charity (now or later, was during covid), or give to neighbours - particularly practical and garden items (I knew she'd be pleased these things were being used). It now makes me feel less guilty about then having the house clearers in, because I feel I had respected her by spending that time sorting though things.

Sympathies to you OP. It is a really difficult thing to do. I hade to clear my childhood home several years ago and found it very difficult. There were definitely hoarding tendencies at play and a degree of disorganisation meant I couldn’t just get a clearance firm in as I had no idea where the things I might want to keep would be. It took me many weekend visits to clear even with the help of a friend. I found all my school reports (at least 20 years old) in a shopping trolley that was only one year old, I know this because the friend helping had gifted it to her 🤣😮 There were photographs in each room except the bathroom. There was so much stuff in a small terraced house it was unreal. Agree with some previous posters that staring with everyday stuff and moving onto more sentimental things can be easier - if there is discernible organisation at least.
This experience is one of the reasons I am on the very long running decluttering threads (started as one thing a day) I am trying to keep on top of things so my kids aren’t faced with the same troubles.

The dinner services are getting to me too! I have all DM’s stuff, and the DC won’t want it. I have my own everyday set, and the “best” set that used to come out for birthdays and Christmas so holds nice memories for me (as well as being a really nice set) but there are two other sets I don’t use. Meanwhile I’m using the nice table linen every day, getting enjoyment out of it as there’s no point saving it for DC, ditto the heirloom jewellery - nothing of value, but I have a photograph of my great-grandmother wearing some of it.

It upsets me when I look at the nice stuff I have and know that after me there will be no-one to value it.

I’m at last thinking I can start on my Dad’s stuff, he’s still in a nursing home but not going to want or ask for any of it now. Our house is absolutely stuffed, but DH not ready to get rid of stuff, so I’ve tried to list everything of monetary or sentimental value to make things easier for DC. I intend to sort after DH’s death, and am allowing myself 4 years. Life may get in the way.

The real heart-string tugger for me was seeing the things of Mum that Dad had kept, and getting a window into his grief.

It was the paperwork that took time for me. Years and years of bank statements , every bill going back years , pensions paperwork , basically every bit of paper that wasn't junk mail .
I spend weeks shreading it , with lots of black bags of it to get rid of.

I'm not surprised it stresses out your mother. Someone coming into my home and throwing MY things away would stress me out.
If you don't want the hassle of clearing the house once your mother has died, just get a house clearance company in to do it, but please, let your mother live her final years with her things around her.

It’s really tough, isn’t it? I finally emptied my late mum’s house last year (and that included two visits from a property clearance company and a lot of expense). My parents had two places they put things no longer in use: the loft and the cellar. They never threw anything away. I chose to keep key things that have meaning for me, and most of the rest has been donated. I ensured the things that mattered but for which I had no house room went somewhere they’ll be valued.

I was just going to suggest this. DH's DF liked to paint. There were some good ones and not so good ones. The family all took a painting they would like and sadly the rest went in the bin but we took photos so they weren't gone forever.