Clearing out the house after the death of a parent

@MissMarplesNiece DM had had to deal with the deaths and houseclearings of her gran, her aunt and her mother, so she was a Swedish Death Cleaner par excellence. And her partner lives on in the house they shared, so there was good reason for me not to go in and strip out all her stuff.
But I did take a few things - a painting I remember her buying on a trip we took to London, ... And a few bits and bobs of kitchen stuff, particularly the potato ricer and the wooden spoons that she must have inherited from her mum or auntie.

I don't eat mashed potatoes even!

I did take a load of her smarter clothes to a charity collection work was doing - smart work clothes for poor women basically - she would have been very much in favour. Though that was just around the time of the first lockdown, so ...

I had memory bears made out of clothes belonging to DM and later on DF, but TBH I'm not very sentimental about them!

Im also in the middle of sorting mums belongings, 7 bags of clothing to charity as she requested. Now im going through mounds of paperwork - and I've discovered that she kept instructions manuals for EVERYTHING! - photo albums are next but I just cant face those yet x

I echo the pp about searching for cash. I know where the hiding places are in my parents house. However I was working as a bank cashier in the 90s when one of our regular customers kept coming in with defunct bank notes including 10 shilling notes. Turns out she was clearing an elderly relatives house and there was money hidden between the pages of books and newspapers.

We had to do this when my grandma moved to a nursing home. She lived in a two bed council flat and we had a limited time to get it cleared.
Like others on this thread,she hoarded certain items,with her it was bedding, we found packs and packs of sheets and pillow cases that had never been opened. I took some of the flannelette sheets home and they lasted over 20 years before washing so thin that I had to make them into dusters.
I would advise anyone clearing an elderly person's house to check in obscure places for money. We found £15k hidden behind a bath panel,and I know someone else who hid £100s in the padded headboard of his bed. Hiding cash in books is another favourite.

One thing I have done,is started to make a list of anything valuable that I possess,and put the list in the safe. I collect books and some are worth a fair bit,but if you didn't know, you'd perhaps box the whole lot up and get rid of them.I've gone as far as putting 'bookmarks' in some with "signed first edition-do not dump" or similar written on them.

What brought tears to my eyes, some weeks after FiL died, was when dh for some reason after he’d been going through all his stuff, had brought his manky old tennis shoes home - FIL was mad on tennis.

Our dog went mad with excitement - they smelt of Grandpa! She did love Grandpa. 🐶❤️

My dad has been dead 10 years and I still have his coat and cap hanging on the peg in my hall. I just bring myself to get rid of them.

❤️

I’m in the middle of doing this. I know exactly what you mean - I feel like I’m throwing their lives away. And they kept so much. My first birthday cards, their wedding invitations, so much stuff. And a trifle bowl can reduce me to tears.

The thing that triggered me to cry when going through Mums house was she had kept my one school report where my form teacher had said I was kind and generous. Also in a drawer in her bedroom she had a few bits my sister's and I had made for her when we were small children. She had kept a straw star I made for her when I was about 8. My Dad had kept a charm from each of our wedding cakes too.

So sorry to hear others are struggling with this too. I'm finding clothes esp hard - accepting she has no use for all her old outfits eg going out shoes and bags, ski boots, tennis shoes etc - feels very final.

She's also kept loads of stuff of her parents, and mine/ dbs. It feels awful knowing she kept all our drawings etc for 40 years, then me come along and just tip them. I'm trying to be more brutal, but I'm amassing more and more things with nowhere to store them, so will have to do a cull soon.

@LindorDoubleChoc for some reason, getting rid of my mum’s coats and shoes nearly finished me off. Different situation to you guys as she died 3 months ago and I’ve just done a clear out of stuff with my dad (at his request) But clearing them from the hallway was really final and drove it home I think that she’s not coming back.

Lindor, re. the coats, I think that’s quite touching re your brother.

It is a difficult thing to do, I do understand.

My brother and I have just cleared our Mum's house and sold it to pay care home fees. We used a professional house clearance and auctioneers company (I had to persuade my brother) and I'm so glad we did.

He is way more sentimental than me and I found out that he'd taken all of Mum's coats up to his house, rather than send them to charity! I can't think why and what he's going to do with them! She has two coats with her in the care home. If they'd gone to the charity shop they would have made money for a local charity in the town where my Mum lives, which is a children's hospice and which she specifically asked for any donations to go to! I can't be annoyed with him, but it's like he's not thinking straight.

I had to do DM's fast because she died in Australia, I went over from the UK for the funeral and took the next week to sort all her stuff out. DB laid out some decorating trestles and I unloaded his garage. Just as well everyone was at work because there were a lot of tears - she'd saved school reports, all the cards and postcards we'd sent her, stuff like that. SIL's colleague had just split with his wife, moved into a flat and had nothing, so we told him to help himself to glass, china and anything he could find useful, the rest went to St Vincent de Paul.

Last time I visited DB was using the cutlery parents bought when they moved into their first house in the early 60s. I gave him a look and he said 'well, they still work, don't they?' 😂

@tokesqueen it must have been a very difficult, emotional time for you. I don't know if fast paced is better or worse than slow paced with regards to coming to terms with what's happened and "got to be done".

My mum was killed in a car accident in the September. By Christmas Eve we were handing over the keys to the family house of over fifty years.
All emptied, sortied, funeral etc in twelve weeks.
Worst time of my life.

Clearing a loved ones house is difficult.

After my step dad died my DM moved to live with my sister. DMs bungalow had to be readied for sale. It was jam packed with stuff. DM and step dad had so many clothes - I counted 40 pairs of trousers for step dad, many of them still with labels on. They had dozens and dozens of "nic-nacs". It was overwhelming to look at and think about. DM wasn't interested in any of it, or what happened to it, once she'd left.

I couldn't face getting rid of it. Like PPs have written, it felt like disposing of someone's life. The things that made me tear up were things like the kitchen utensils, I remembered the potato masher from when I was a teenager. It was the thought of my mum being in the kitchen, making dinner for us that upset me.

In the end it was by DB, who is less sentimental than me, who took the bull by the horns. Clothes went to the salvation army, family were given a month to go and take anything they wanted, and then DB hired a house clearance company to take everything that was left.

Sorry OP, I forgot to say that I am sorry for your loss and that I'm not the least bit surprised you are feeling overwhelmed. It's a massive and difficult job.

When we got rid of my Dads stuff we were brutal and got rid of almost everything. I kept some photos but I can't, off hand, think of anything else. He was t the type of person to attach any sentimentality to objects so we didn't either. He died of cancer so we gave anything of any worth to a Cancer Charity shop.
We sold his car and put the money towards a garden makeover for my Mum.

We have never regretted getting rid of everything. I still find plenty of things remind me of my Dad, I'm not going to forget him because I haven't got his stuff.

I’ve started saving Amazon paper that they pad out their oversized boxes with - it’s useful under the cats’ feeding tray, don’t have to wash the floor so often. DH is saving little transparent plastic food boxes to sort nails and screws into. He has a whole stack of them downstairs. I fear we’re turning into hoarders. DC will not understand, any more than I understood my father stockpiling plastic margarine tubs against the time the LA got round to recycling them.

Not yet saving my hair, though

I hear all of you!
Ive recently completed on the sale of my parents home after losing them in the last year.

It was a stunning home, and could easily have appeared in Homes and Gardens - in its hey day.

However, it was a nightmare to clear. Mum had saved so much absolute rubbish, including her own hair when she’s pulled it out of a brush or trimmed it herself. We discovered all her medications in boxes in her wardrobe from the last 5 years. Unfortunately dementia was taking hold and Dad had no idea about all this.

I sent so much to charity, made hundreds of trips to the Tip but I’m afraid our garage is now full of China, antiques and handmade furniture that my great great grandad made for his marriage.

I move house this week.
I also have a large house that I’m trying to pack up, knowing the garage needs to be dealt with too.

I’m going through feeling totally overwhelmed for the second time in A few months.

Send HELP. Lots of it!

It’s a horrible job, you have my sympathy.

When we were clearing my DM’s house, a sister IL had the brainwave of posting on Freecycle (or whatever the local thing was) that there would be a free ‘help yourself’ afternoon.

We piled a load of stuff in the sitting room - it was amazing what people came and took away, inc. e.g. things like saucepans, which we thought a mite too old and worn to give to a charity shop.

My DM hadn’t died, she’d had to move to a care home (dementia). Having also done it after a death, IMO it’s almost worse when someone’s still alive - you feel as if you’re throwing their whole life away - I did, anyway.

Found this thread just now and wondered how you got on op?

I'm currently trying to clear my parents home, where they've been my whole life (50+ years). Df died 8 years ago but mum got ill shortly after so she never got round to clearing anything of his. She's now had to go into a home so we need to sell the house to fund it.

I'm finding it soo hard. Like pp have said, like throwing away their lives. They've kept loads of stuff - large family home, loft and garage. Any top tips? Taking photos is a good one. We don't want to use a house clearance company. I feel I have to search through everything as there's quite a lot that's jumbled - I found my dgm's jewelry in a carrier bag with random Christmas cards.

We've removed all the obvious rubbish, but now left with loads of sentimental stuff- all their clothes and shoes, hundreds of carefully selected books, ornaments, artwork etc. I just don't know where to start. Not a lot of storage room at either my of dbs houses. I can't bear throwing away things they loved.

@countrygirl99 cherised gowns was the one I donated too. Looking today they have accepted all the gowns they can this year. Google baby gown stillbirth and lots of others are out there. I hope to start making gowns or knitting the hats and bootees for them once I retire and have some time to dedicate to it.

My sympathies OP. I had to go through this last year after my Dad passed away. He was also a bit of a hoarder and it was a lengthy and emotional process. I had some help from my other half with the piles of paperwork and things, but it's hard for them to understand how difficult it is when they dont have the same emotional attachment to things that you do.

I have many things I want to keep and no space in my tiny little house to keep them. My Dad also kept quite a bit of my mum's things despite her having passed away fifteen years before. I found one of her favourite cardigans in his wardrobe which I decided to keep, and when I went to wash it I found a note of hers in the pocket. It was a shopping list and at the bottom was a note to buy my favourite biscuits. I cried so much when I found it. It was like a tiny love note to me after such a long time of missing her.