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Elderly parents
Original poster

DS feels trapped... but I don't think she is

61 replies

MorePressureMoreRelease · 02/09/2023 20:10

Our DP is in their early 90's and lives with DSis. I live 80 miles away and DP comes to live with me for a 'holiday' of max a month or so 2-3 times a year.

The problem is that DP refuses to accept professional care so DSis feels like she can't leave them for more than 24 hours. DP is continent and sentient and just needs someone around to make sure they eat and drink something.

My view is that if DP refuses care then it is their call. DSis shouldn't feel obliged and that she should employ the care if it makes her life easier. Money is not the issue. Am I wrong? I think that sometimes the needs of DP should be secondary to DSis. I'm very conscious that I don't do as much or as consistently as she does but she is sometimes a bit of a martyr.

What's the right approach?

OP posts:
Original poster
MorePressureMoreRelease · 02/09/2023 20:51

Sirzy · 02/09/2023 20:49

Yabu for not realising how the role she has found herself in limits her life.

I think you misunderstand. I totally appreciate all that my DSis is doing. However if my DP refuses to have additional help then my DSis feels like she can't buy it in to buy herself some space. I say that she should. And not feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
tribpot · 02/09/2023 20:50

I guess the thing to keep in mind is it's all very well to say 'on DP's head be it' if they refuse care and something happens .. but in practical terms, it'll be your sister who's left to sort everything out. Go to the hospital every day, try to organise the assessment, organise the carers or whatever the hospital need to discharge DP, let's say DP falls down and breaks a hip - all that recovery falls on your sister. If she hires carers to cover her absence and your DP refuses to let them in - same thing.

Sirzy · 02/09/2023 20:49

Yabu for not realising how the role she has found herself in limits her life.

Original poster
MorePressureMoreRelease · 02/09/2023 20:48

SpanishSummer · 02/09/2023 20:45

I don’t understand the hate, the OP is just saying her sister should be able to book help.
The thing I don’t understand is you describe her as “continent and sentient”. That makes it sound like she doesn’t have care needs. Is there a reason she can’t be left alone if that is her wishes?

Thank you.

Yes she doesn't really have care needs but there is the fear if she falls etc (she has osteoporosis) and she's pretty much given up on feeding and watering herself. NB brain still 💯

OP posts:
SpanishSummer · 02/09/2023 20:45

I don’t understand the hate, the OP is just saying her sister should be able to book help.
The thing I don’t understand is you describe her as “continent and sentient”. That makes it sound like she doesn’t have care needs. Is there a reason she can’t be left alone if that is her wishes?

evrey · 02/09/2023 20:24

Yabu . The pressure she must be under and the lack of freedom she must have is huge. Like pp have said swap for a year and see if you still feel the same.

Original poster
MorePressureMoreRelease · 02/09/2023 20:18

She's not blaming me at all. I just want to make her life easier. From a practical perspective it is not possible for DP to live with me more as DSis' home is DP's home. She has her own space there whereas with me doesn't have her own living room or bathroom. She doesn't want to live with me more.

OP posts:
Brightandshining · 02/09/2023 20:14

Yes you are right. If DP have capacity and the finances they should be sorting out some kind of care.. even just a cleaner/cook once a day. Your sister should not be making sacrifices that are harming her to do this if they can actually afford to pay someone a fair wage for doing it. And she shouldn't be blaming you for pointing this out or expecting you to pick up the slack.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/09/2023 20:14

Maybe take them in for a year and then decide.

MrsKwazi · 02/09/2023 20:13

Sorry i know this isn’t aibu but your post gave me the rage. Your poor sister.

MrsKwazi · 02/09/2023 20:12

Yabu. Easy for you to say
why don’t they move in with you and ‘holiday’ with them? You have no idea of the impact on her life.

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