When parent says they wish they were dead as they've had enough of life...

My dm was like this. Totally fed up with her health issues and agreed with the drs a DNR when they spoke on one of her hospital stays. Dm told me but she hadn’t mentioned it to db. Told her to do this too, db was devastated but with all her health issues I understood her stance and stuck by her decision. Df had already passed by this point, she just wanted to be with him.
She finally found her peace when she passed away last year due to pneumonia as a complication as she had lung cancer. She was in and out of hospital like a yo-yo, so a blessed relief for her.
I hope you can see your dms viewpoint, it really is a miserable situation to be in.

There’s a really good article on this here
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2023/aug/20/mother-planned-own-death-natasha-walter-before-the-light-fades-suicide?

As pp have said, sometimes it’s an in-the-moment thing, but I think it will become more widespread. We have completely failed to acknowledge that actually quality of life is far more important that living per se.

If anything, use it to plan how they’d like their death and funeral to be. And think about your own too.

I kind of envy you.

My mum has terminal cancer and is in complete denial. Forgotten she has it. Won't talk about it. Thinks she's coming home to recover.

I've tried telling her what the deal is and she has months at best and she turned hostile and nasty and said I was cruel and just trying to scare her.

I have no idea what she would want for her funeral or anything she wants to tell me before she goes.

It's so hard pretending as if she isn't that ill.

It may be hard to hear, but it's also a perfectly logical and reasonable thing to say. I'm pretty sure I'd be saying it in some of the circumstances described here, so there's no reason to assume it's depression. I would say just listen and accept their point of view - they're not wrong to feel this way, and their feelings should be respected. Legally, you can't assist their death, but you can at least acknowledge how they feel.

There seems to me to be many ways to respond to this post.

I've thought about which one is the most kind. But I've gone, instead with the most straight forward.

I'm getting on (euphemism, I'm old) and I'm frail. I cannot go out without help, I'm just about hanging on to the last of my independence.

I sure as hell want to die. It irks me that others get to choose if I live or not. This is not a passing fancy, it's also not a declaration of impending suicide.

Believe your Mum. Support her in whatever way you can. But please don't listen to those who tell you that life must be preserved, no matter what. HCPs seem to believe that medical care can make you live. Well, whooppee. Maybe it can, but when is it time to ask if it should?

Best wishes to you and your Mum.

My MIL also said this, she had stage 4 bowel cancer, bed ridden, incontinent, frail and weak. It was heartbreaking to hear but she had no quality of life.

I think this is more common than people think.

It's how they feel in that moment. They may or may not feel that way tomorrow, next week, next month.

Getting older is hard, you're often uncomfortable or in pain, you suffer many bereavements - not just of people, but also of independence/hobbies/activities/ dignity/ your home.

It's very hard to respond to - the previous poster that sat with them and held their hand I think had the best response.

Listen to them - they may be right.

My DM used to say this to me a few years back when she was ill, I knew that what she had was treatable so I dragged her along, she got better and has had some very happy years.

However she's now mid 80s, frail, outlived her husband and most of her friends and if she had cancer I know she wouldn't want any treatment. So I'd support her doing what she wanted as she would be ready to go.

My late dad used to say this. It used to break my heart to hear, when I wanted him to live forever. Over time I came to understand.. he'd lost so much.. his wife, his independence, his ability to enjoy his life, his future was bleak.

I did what I could to help his last months be as good as they could be (which wasn't much) and eventually just held his hand and told him I understood.

I'm sorry OP.

My mother is the same. GP won't prescribe anti depressants/anti anxiety medication because of co- morbidity & interaction with other medication. She suggested counselling, but trying to find a counsellor for an 89 year old has proved impossible. I feel at a loss at what to do.

I do know that McMillan (cancer charity) is offering 6 weeks counselling with BUPA for cancer sufferers. I don't know if your mum would qualify for this.