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Elderly parents
Original poster

FIL coming on family holidays

82 replies

mids2019 · 17/08/2023 19:12

I may have moaned about this before but my FIL is now coming with us on our annual summer vacations upon invitation if my partner

For context my FIL is 74 and been widowed for about 7 years. I initially accepted that having him on a summer trip was a really nice gesture in terms of overcoming grief. However it now is now becoming apparent my partner's idea of a summer vacation one is a 'family' one where my FIL will be welcome

I am nearing the end of our summer vacation in the US and I have to admit it hadn't been entirely enjoyable. FIL tried to take the lead in family decisions, told children off in my opinion unnecessarily, assumed a sort of patriarchal role where I think he felt he was taking the family on holiday and criticised some of our holiday activity decisions.

I have to add his health is not optimal and this has lead to a restriction on some of our joint activities. There is also a generation gap between him and my children (13 and 11) which is hard to bridge; this is understandable but the critisicm of young girls' CV choice in music, food choice, clothing, internet use etc was wearisome.

Ultimately it is a sense of encroaching family space that I found really difficult. We have stressful lives and the summer vacation is to the only real relatively stress free prolonged family to one we have and that has been compromised.

One week we had to have shared accomodation with FIL where although he was in separate bedroom did not exactly promote any attempts of the romantic type between my partner and myself.

We need to have a conversation but has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 22:00

@AncientQuercus

I can relate to your post and I do hope we are not on a similar direction of travel. I think we have a similar situation that as GP become more elderly they are reluctant to engage in more 'adventurous' elements of the holiday yet possibly request (demand?) company more.

With three generations we found satisfying everyone is nigh impossible and just ends up with no one really satisfied 🤷

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Mum2jenny · 17/08/2023 21:55

Have been away recently with dc and dgc and it was fine however no son in law or my dh were present, which I felt did help. My dc and I get on well together and have similar views wrt to children’s behaviour

saraclara · 17/08/2023 21:48

I'm widowed and on holiday with my DDs, their partners and the grandkids right now.
Having been the holiday 'leader' for most of their lives, it does take a lot of work on my part to stand back and let them be the organisers and planners. My DGCs are pre- school age, so easy compared to being on holiday with tens/pre-teens, but I still stand back from decisions about them (of course) while making it clear that I'm happy to help with them, and generally just aiming to be good fun to be with.

But yes, it is a bit of an odd feeling when you have to make that change from being the person in charge, to being the tag-along.

I'm just enormously grateful that my kids, as well as having their own separate holidays, try to arrange a few days away with each other and me, and it seems to be with genuine pleasure that they invite me and not just sufference. So my aim is to ensure that I don't do anything to make them regret it.

AncientQuercus · 17/08/2023 21:39

We fell into this exact trap when my father died. DH suggested we took DM with us on holiday, and to start with it worked really well. Then as the years went on she got more and more awkward and more and more stroppy.

We had a big US holiday which she spoilt because all she wanted to do was sit by the pool, which would have been fine except she wanted ME to sit with her. I don't do sitting, which she is well aware of. She didn't even give us 5 minutes alone in 10 days, and got really angry one evening because I had gone to the laundry, taking DH and leaving the kids, and she "didn't know where we were." (The kids told her...). She also wanted to be in charge and deciding what we were going to do, but as soon as anything went wrong she was looking at us to sort it out.

We then stupidly didn't learn our lesson and took her to Centre Parks. Again she didn't want to go in any of the restaurants we wanted to go in, made a fuss about every little thing and was just such hard work that we haven't invited her again.

Every so often she'll mention that she doesn't have anyone to go with, but I refuse to fall for it again. We get ONE holiday a year, if we are lucky, and even while all this was going on she would have 4 or 5 trips away as well either on her own or with different people.

My sibling refuses point blank to take her anywhere.

Bibbitybobbitty · 17/08/2023 21:01

Thought your FIL sounded much older! My DP have come with us a couple.of times, also had one of my DBs join us once for a few days but they absolutely accepted it was our main holiday (not DPs just an nice extra) so let us set the agenda & gave us some space for at least part of each day. Don't think my now teens would tolerate this at all, even if we're visiting them for a few days DPs accept that teens will need a bit of space to do their own thing without any adults criticising them constantly (they don't btw)

fireflyloo · 17/08/2023 20:52

@mids2019 my FIL tried that one time by complaining about women football commentators- what do they know about football etc etc . I went through him like a ton of bricks. He hasn't done it again !

Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 20:49

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor

Good advice. If GP take care of younger children to allow parents a break that can be really helpful. We have a situation where FIL is effectively observing the family dynamic with a teenager and offering unsolicited opinions - not the same thing

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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 17/08/2023 20:38

I would suggest more weekends with just dh and FIL instead of family holiday. I think it is probably different when there are parents who are actively involved in childcare with younger children, where it can be helpful but dh needs to recognise that it isn't working for anyone, other than perhaps him.

Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 20:30

@fireflyloo

I think you managed to set clear boundaries.

I think my FIL is sporty and was quite good at sport in his youth. The problem is that he has an underlying benign misogny coming if men of his background and age which leads to gentle mocking of female sports e.g. women's world cup which confuses my daughters.

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Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 20:27

I actually think the being rude to teenagers is intentional but rude it is. The music a 70 year old liked in his youth is completely different to teen likes, its the way of the world. I don't think my daughter needs lecturing that the Beatles are better than Taylor Swift; she likes Taylor and that's it really.

Another thing I noticed was that FIL is wedded to the past. Every conversation seems to wend itself to times when my MIL was alive and the world was so much better (?). I understand nostlaigia becoming more important with age but again it gets weary for a number of evenings in a row.

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fireflyloo · 17/08/2023 20:26

We go away with my parents at least twice per year. They would never encroach on our parenting, and they add good fun and practical support and company on our holidays. We've also holidayed with my FIL and my experience is as above. My FIL is the same age as yours but I don't find the generation gap too big- he understands contemporary music and sport etc.

Sodullincomparison · 17/08/2023 20:22

We did it this year. I made it clear - never again!

everyone had a nice enough time but it became boring because it was just compromise for all three generations.

we work crazy hours and I want that time for my little family to make memories.

I felt guilty and then I thought did my parents take grandparents on holiday. No chance and not ever a discussion or guilt about it either.

Sparkleshine21 · 17/08/2023 20:22

yeah your husband needs to take him away just the two of them for a weekend instead.
My cousins’ grandad came on holiday with us all once when I was a teenager once, it was a nightmare. He was rude to all the teens so we all ignored him and gave him a wide berth, he nagged at all the adults and refused to come on days out then would sulk in the evening about being alone all day. He threw himself into the pool to get some attention and bashed his head, he had a tiny bump and made the biggest song and dance about it, we were all so done with him by the end of the week, even his son!

Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 19:58

I think there are friend with living spouses and he generally has good acquaintances but my other half seems to think the norm is for a family holiday (family being the extended version).

It would be healthy if he considers more holidays with friends especially for general well being (of everyone)

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Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 19:54

@hanahsaunt

Completely with you

My BIL could take him some years I guess but there is no formal agreement on this. I think there is a really good point about doing split activities but then you have the accusation of leaving some one out and you don't need simmering family tension on holiday.

There is even argument about music being played at lunchtimes.

I really understand that there is loneliness involved here however the time of being head of he family has passed for FIL but this does not lie easy with him.

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Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 19:53

@hanahsaunt

Completely with you

My BIL could take him some years I guess but there is no formal agreement on this. I think there is a really good point about doing split activities but then you have the accusation of leaving some one out and you don't need simmering family tension on holiday.

There is even argument about music being played at lunchtimes.

I really understand that there is loneliness involved here however the time of being head of he family has passed for FIL but this does not lie easy with him.

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IreneGoodnight · 17/08/2023 19:52

Great, he has no friends so you get lumbered with him. I hope you inherit lots of money from him idc!

AcclimDD · 17/08/2023 19:49

*about it?

AcclimDD · 17/08/2023 19:49

Have you told your DH that you're not happy to do this again and what is he doing about ?

Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 19:48

@Thelondonone

We did it the 'once' and it has now become the default. It is an emotional argument refusing as FIL has no one else to holiday with.

I think the suggestion of friends would be a great idea it just seems the 'done thing' is now that he is a widower he gets a family holiday????

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AnnaMagnani · 17/08/2023 19:46

I think it is totally possible to have an enjoyable multi-generation holiday but not with your family dynamic.

For it to work you need:
Grandparents to understand they are grandparents and not parents
Ability for the group to split and do different activities for different ages without recriminations that someone was 'left out' of something they didn't want to do anyway
Everyone to appreciate age gaps and view it as a time to get to know each other and try new things eg GF showing kids his fave music from when he was their age and also happy to listen to theirs

What you have is a FIL who wants to criticise 'the yoof of today' and a DH who forgets about his wife and kids because of a combination of guilt and regressing to being a teen around his dad.

Both your DH and FIL need to do a lot of copping on for this to work ever again.

hanahsaunt · 17/08/2023 19:45

We happily invited my mum on our family holidays after my dad died. The first time was great, the second ok, and the third just awful in terms of being pulled between her and dh. We booked a second holiday that year and had to be quite blunt in telling her that we needed to be just us and the children as we have ridiculously busy lives, holiday time is precious and we just needed not to factor in another way of wanting to do things. I take her away for a short break just the two of us most years which she loves.

PatTesting · 17/08/2023 19:41

It’s certainly not the norm in my family. Some of our friends with children take the grandparents with them on the occasional holiday but certainly not every time.

LadyEloise1 · 17/08/2023 19:41

I don't understand how people who are invited to join a family on holiday don't have the "cop on" to be very careful re their behaviour/interaction.
Your fil will have spoilt it for himself with his attitude.
He should have shown a bit more gratitude and awareness of his position as guest.

Original poster
mids2019 · 17/08/2023 19:39

Yes they are his grandchildren. Thanks for the empathy. I think my in law culture has changed since my MIL has passed to one of 'lets make sure FIL is OK' as he has helped in the past. I wanted to see in general how many people view the family holiday as 3 generations? Is this the norm?

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