FIL coming on family holidays

You only have a few more holidays left with your kids so stop inviting Fil now!

Oh and I'd be refusing to have sex with DH if FIL is in the adjoining room, that might concentrate your DHs mind to accept a change.

We took my DPs once when DS was young. It was three nights in a posh hotel - our treat for DM looking after DS one day a fortnight.

It was bloody awful, loads of complaints about the - perfectly nice - hotel, complaints that the activity that we had told them to wrap up warmly for was cold, it was horrendous and we have never repeated it.

If you don't watch out your DDs will opt out of family holidays as young as they can, whereas with having each other you might get a good few more years out of them, and you'll be left with FIL and just the three of you.

Can you suggest something wildly unsuitable for FIL next year, be that Neilsons or AI in the canaries. Or just tell your DH that you need a nuclear family holiday like everyone else has or you will be taking the DCs on your own and he can take his DF.

We took my mother on holiday for fourteen years. To start with we had a toddler and mum was fit and by the end we had a youth and someone with limited mobility. As the years went on the constraints grew, it wasn't too difficult to find somewhere flat with a downstairs bedroom that wasn't too far to get to. It was harder to find things to do that made everyone happy. If I had my time again I'd be doing things differently and putting mum on a coach for a cruise or a mystery tour. If she'd done this while she was younger she could have had the occasional holiday on her own and so could we. I would have not set up the expectation that every holiday would be one for three generations.

We went away with my inlaws for a weekend and it was never repeated.

I think it can work. We took my father on several holidays, and sometimes FIL too. DC appeared not to be harmed - DC2 invited himself on a week’s holiday to my father’s home a few years later. I can remember my grandparents joining our family holiday in an adjacent caravan, don’t think it really impacted me. But it’s not working with your family dynamic

I think it may be easier when children are younger, and mobility of young and old are similar.

Holidays are way too expensive to be miserable through.

Time to have a serious chat with your partner.

I used to go on holiday with mine when she was first widowed but it was pretty grim - I was single so no one else to please but it was all centred around her interests and what she could/wanted to do. I kind of got sucked into it as felt sorry for her initially then it became a habit/expectation! I haven't been on holiday with her since marrying and having a family as I don't want to put them through that. Plus the expectations of what everyone wants from a holiday wouldn't be compatible.

But there are plenty of opportunities for holidays with people at a similar life stage - mine went on these before getting infirm, so she was having far more holidays than me! There are coach trips within the U.K., further afield trips on a plane. There are travel agents who specialise in this market. It's with a load of strangers though so there is a certain element of having to behave and not being a grumpy wotsit ruining everyone else's holiday.

I think a fortnight is way too long even if you were all getting along together reasonably well.

Ask your DC what their favourite bit of a holiday is, and book a long weekend/week just doing that without your FIL, possibly even without your DH. Then tell your DH to organise a week, preferably short haul, that he thinks his Dad would enjoy. Don't do any of the admin for that holiday and try to persuade the DC to just go with the flow as it's short and they have already had a treat holiday.

Have a gap between the two holidays, back to back might be a bit exhausting.

I honestly don't feel anyone has any obligation to bring their parents (singular or plural) on holidays. So he doesn't get a holiday, so what? Billions of people in the world don't either. He is retired presumably and has lots of free time so the notion that busy working parents have to tie themselves in knots to give him a break (from what?) or a good time just doesn't compute with me. I'd be horrified if my children felt that obligation towards me when they are adults, different of course if they and we got on great and actively shared interests and all found it very mutually satisfying. A much better scenario in your case OP, and as suggested by others, would be for your husband, time and money permitting, to bring your FIL away for a few days to do or watch something he is interested in and where they can remininisce to their hearts content without being annoyed by teenagers. The typical length of a family holiday is, in my view, too long to spend with anyone other than one's own core family, where people can genuinely relax and be themselves (including grumpy!), listen to the music they like and just 'be'. Geography permitting, shorter but more frequent interactions (e.g. he comes for supper once a week or every 2 weeks) are surely better than this overload.

How about next year you book a weekend away somewhere with FIL and tell him thats his holiday as your main family break this year is an activity/camping/themepark/skiing whatever you want to do that he cant. Might help the first year relieving the expectation and then can try to make that the new pattern.

Or do a cruise - plenty for all ages to do, plenty of other singles and older people to keep him company, and loads for the kids to do. Might give you all a holiday but with some peace too.

What does your DH think about the holiday OP?

We’ve done a few 3 generation holidays with my FIL - not doing any more.

Your children only have a few years left of wanting to go on family holidays guaranteed this will make that come round earlier. This is something you will regret once there older. insist on husband taking him alone as they couldn’t do things they wanted to and they have already had enough holidays with grandad dictating the plans. Once your home book next year’s holiday without grandad tell husband to book his own with his father.

My mum was widowed in her late 60s and did feel very lonely as all her friends were married. We tended to take her on long weekend breaks rather than big family holidays. Our DC were younger too, I think it would be much harder with teenagers.

It sounds like your partner feels a lot of guilt and obligation towards his father. I think a gentle discussion around balancing his role as a father and son would be helpful. 74 is not that old, his dad would probably benefit from trying to develop some hobbies and interests rather than being infantilised as someone who needs ‘looking after’. Once our DC got a bit older and busier my mum stopped centring her life around us quite so much and had a really rewarding and active social life from her mid-70s to mid-80s. She had very busy and active friends in their 90s still living independently.

I agree that there is a big difference going away with one GP vs. both GPs.

Having taken my DM away with us a couple of times, it is hard work. I felt torn between keeping her happy, husband happy, kids happy. If she had come along with a partner/ husband, then it would have been easier just to say- you do your thing, we'll do ours. You can't really say this when it's just one person though, because you're actually just saying 'we want time without you'.

Yes - I hadn't thought of that angle. It must be very wearing for you. I do agree that you need to have a talk with your DH and try to get out of the expectation that FIL always comes on holiday with you. You are not being in the slightest bit selfish for wanting your family unit to have time together and not have to consider FIL's wants and abilities

I think it is totally possible to have an enjoyable multi-generation holiday but not with your family dynamic.

For it to work you need:
Grandparents to understand they are grandparents and not parents
Ability for the group to split and do different activities for different ages without recriminations that someone was 'left out' of something they didn't want to do anyway

I agree with this - although I am coming from the Grandparents point of view. I have had a few family holidays with My daughter, her partner and my Grandson. Not every year though. The last 2, we paid for the self-catering accommodation and then it was up to them whether they wanted to join us. Which they did!

But it worked very, very well, because it was very much agreed before hand that we would do our own thing for the most part. If we all wanted to do the same thing, then we would do it together. On occasion we took my Grandson somewhere while his parents had some time to themselves, because they didn't fancy it and we ( and our Grandson) did.

Quite often we would eat separately, because they liked to eat about 5pm and we normally eat later and might have eaten while we were out sometimes. We all got on very well and the holidays were great.

I don't believe it would have worked if we had all tried to do everything together ( including meal times) and the family dynamic here, doesn't sound a good one

Could your husband suggest a father/son trip next year separately, and transition to doing that sometimes instead? Maybe you could make your next holiday something unappealing to him - maybe something very active.

Does your dh want to bring your mother on holidays? I think not! This can't continue. Your dcs are teens so the number of family holidays left is limited. Suggest dh and fil go somewhere for a weekend to a place specifically geared to Fil. Maybe his other son would do the same at janother date. If one of your dc enjoy that place they could join in knowing fil is the focus.
We never brought either GPS on holidays but had them staying with us regularly. But no way on holidays..they are too special for families so unless it absolutely suits everyone it's not on.