FIL coming on family holidays

We are in a similar situation with widowed MIL and I do find it wears me down. I find I am increasingly in need of personal space and quiet, and just the presence of another person puts me on edge. It's hard balancing the needs of an older person and children all the time and I get home feeling like I need another holiday to actually relax! It also seems to have set up an expectation - we do a fortnight with her every year out of our limited annual leave and budget but she often seems upset or offended by us taking other trips either on our own or with other family members. It's very hard to explain the need for space especially to an older person whose life is so much quieter and more solitary a lot of the time. It's very different to being in the thick of parenting and working when a holiday is so precious.

We have a small holiday house and have hosted my dad there usually once a year for max of a week. He’s in his 80s now and fairly affable. We end up doing all the organising and cooking etc, but he does what he’s told and it works pretty well.

we’ve not had to set boundaries and he’s appreciative but not sure what advice to give OP. Essentially things need to change or there will be no holidays? Set down the rules and see if he observes them for a short trip? How about skiing or sailing?

Reading your most recent update - why can't he go on holiday with the other people in the same generation as him? Sounds like there may be a few of them, at least some of whom are related to him?

OP, your partner needs to step up and take his father on short trips.

No one is entitled to join you on a family holiday and I think it would be interesting to have a frank chat about grandad being with you, with your teens.

Some people have parents that get separate accommodation, meet up a bit, don't impose and everyone has a great time.

The dynamic you describe particularly as your FIL is opinionated is challenging.

Your obligation is to put your children first and mind those last few teen holidays with them.

Short weekends away should be the new thing.

Holidays near a waterpark are a tremendous memory that most teens adore, well worth considering.

But shared accommodation is too much when personalities clash.

Tell your dh : I will not curtail our children’s childhood for your dad. We are supposed to be taking them on awesome holidays and doing fun things in this short window we have where they are old enough to do it and young enough to have fun with us. He’s not coming on the next holiday because I will not feel bad doing fun things with our children on our family holiday. Book a separate one where we stay in an aged care home, and ask the kids how much fun they had when we get home. I know you love your dad, but don’t sacrifice fun holidays wiht your children for this. Next holiday he doesn’t come, and you can think about a more balanced approach after that.

I’ve got a close friend who takes her (widowed) dad on holiday every year. It was fine at first but it’s a nightmare now. Her dad doesn’t get on with her DH, and her teenagers are fed up having to listen to him complaining etc most of the time. My friend ends up keeping him company while the others go and have fun elsewhere.

they do one week with him at Easter, then have their real family holiday in summer 🤷‍♀️

Your DCs are rapidly approaching the stage where they won't want - and then can't be made - to go on holiday with the wrinklies When they get to that age, they will view their parents as among the “wrinklies”.

All you can do is explain how it affects you, and you deserve a holiday too. It won't be a fun conversation but needs to be done. Perhaps a compromise can be made.

I've done this with DH about FIL. I know DH quietly wanted to invite FIL on our holiday next month (MIL passed last year). Once started would become the norm. Before he could let an invite slip without asking me, I told him how it affects us both negatively and our holiday would be dictated by FIL's laziness health. Then quickly booked accommodation that only slept four.

I may have also slipped in that if he invited his DF we'd have to invite my DP's to avoid offense. They adore DH, but drive him insane. 😂

Did FIL holiday with his remaining DP, make time for them?

I have invited my dad away but he always declines. I would if you can afford do a short cheaper trip with him and then a nice hol alone.

I have done 3 generation holidays successfully. We pick very carefully - not EVERY holiday and not EVERY year. Next year we have a week in same palace as DPiL and I am looking forward to it hugely - my DPIL just want to relax and don’t do any activities or even much sightseeing now, so we will just rest, swim and eat.

My DPiL are lovely though, I would happily let them live with us. DMiL in particular has softened over the years and is fab with our kids and the kids adore DPiL. My DD age 13 just grumbles affectionately when DMiL corrects her manners. Any sign of real angst and I would not do the holidays together.

We are the GPs in the set up.but our GCs are.still.young .We like to have a long weekend with all the family where we stay in an air b and b and they camp or.stay nearby .We had a lovely one at center parcs as well, part of the idea being that the GCs meet up with their cousins. But we would never take over our DCs main holidays I'm sorry but I think that's too much a long weekend is plenty . That must be made clear to your FiL by your DH . If any more needed then he will have to accommodate that as a dad and lad type of thing .

Ohhhh wanting 'the plan' every day drives me batty. My mother does this. It's not just that they're in your face all day, but they make you personally responsible for every aspect of the holiday while they tag along carefree (and criticise if you get it wrong).

I have pushed back on that one. 'Plan? Ha! I spend my whole life organising people and planning things. Now I'm on holiday from all that I'm going get up when I feel like it and do things at whim. I might end up doing nothing at all. What are your plans?'

Presumably this option includes a personality transplant for the OP's FIL who isn't great, the kids don't love spending time with, isn't helpful and isn't happy to just fit in?

We have a family holiday, and then in October half term we book a cheap caravan break witj MIL. She's great, the kids love having her around, and she is really helpful, is happy to just come along to whatever we decide. Could you do something. Similar - start an alternative tradition at another part of the year?

Talk about tone deaf...you do get that not everyone has these wonderful dynamics surely? OP certainly doesn't and it's hard to see what anyone is really getting out of it. As I've said previously there is zero obligation to include parents, widowed or otherwise - or adult children for that matter - on a holiday. And if they don't get a holiday, join the billions on the planet who don't, it's not a civil right or anything. It would be very nice for FIL and son to do the occasional night or weekend somewhere or maybe for the whole family to do a weekend but to include on the lengthy summer family holiday is asking abd offering too much.

@mids2019 I think if you don't stop this now you are going to have children who will want to stay home rather than go on holiday with you. They won't have good memories of their holidays either as their grandparent is spoiling it for them. You possibly won't have many years left to holiday with your children before they prefer their friends.

My FIL is widowed and he goes on several holidays a year through a specialist company for singles called One Traveller and loves the social side. Each day they are seated with different party members for dinner so everyone rotates round. He is mid 70s, active, in several groups that see him meet up with different sets of people. The best one is historic pub tours which is just an excuse for a leisurely pub crawl

The holidays we have do not appeal to him so he has only come on holiday with us twice but both times MIL was alive and they did their own thing. It isn't your responsibility to make sure he has a holiday, he is an adult and can sort his own. Weekends with his son sound like a good compromise as neither would be in a couple.

Other than the very sensible advice here, could you secretly save for a trip then tell dh you've "won" a "holiday for four"!? Even if it's just a short trip it'd get you a family break and remind him this is what most families do....!

That's nice that it worked well for your family.

But it's not working well for OPs family. Even FIL doesn't seem to be getting much from the arrangement.

I do think - if it's affordable from either FIL or yourselves- that a long weekend in a cottage somewhere might be better to satisfy holiday obligations with him,then you do your main holiday without him.

Your father in law is family, though.

When DF was widowed we invited him along with us and the DSs loved having him along. He played with them on the beach and spoilt them rotten. As they got older his knowledge impressed them when we went round castles and stately homes. he had endless time and patience with them which gave DH and I a break.

As his health got worse he decided not to come along any more and we were all sad, especially the boys.

The boys say their happiest holiday memories are of when we were all together. We all miss him so much.

I think FIL might enjoy a cruise with ppl his own age next year. If he continues to go on holidays with you lot, he’ll never move on.

At 74 he could have years ahead of him, health allowing. Your DCs are rapidly approaching the stage where they won't want - and then can't be made - to go on holiday with the wrinklies. So you're faced with the prospect of family holidays soon becoming just you, DH and his dad.

Is DH anything like his dad, btw? Is he getting more like him??

The thing about loneliness and ageing and failing health and loss is that yes, things do change, and change is strange. My Victorian/Edwardian olders criticised our 70s music, TV, interests, conversation, hair, clothes ... because it wasn't what they were used to.

(Let's all decide not to get like that and try to appreciate the now as well as the then.)

I would love to be able to speak to them, now, about the past. But then as a child it was weird, tedious, incomprehensible and I used to dread the visits. Your DCs will probably feel the same, which is a shame.

How much leave do you both get? Would leave and finances allow more than one holiday a year? One - short one - for all of you, and another 'centred around the children's interests' (ie lots of things for you both and the DCs that he wouldn't want).

But as so often happens, you do have a DH problem. Intimacy may be a good point to make, and a reminder that you don't have long with the DCs at each stage, and you want to be able to enjoy all aspects of the holiday, too.

Does he have friends, or the ability to make friends, more on his wavelength?
Your DH could be arranging father-son things with him.

And you aren't his social therapy provider, you have enough on your plate.