Toxic Mother Death

30 replies

WorriedDaughter12 · 05/08/2023 18:52

My Mother and I have a terrible relationship, the usual toxic mother stuff. She’s just had cancer removed and they’ve now discovered she has much much more cancer to be dealt with. She also has stage 4 vascular dementia. So the issue is that she refuses to talk to me or my father about her illnesses. I have 4 sisters and my mother only talks to 2 about her issues. Those 2 just do not impart any info and it’s like drawing blood from a stone to get any information from them. But the current thing I have is that she has just been diagnosed with even more cancer, and this time perhaps not curable. She’s my mother and I love her, but she won’t let me in. She has hurt my emotionally my whole life. I am asking anyone how they felt when a toxic parent dies. I am worried about how I am going to feel. I strangely feel I will be devastated that she never showed me love before she dies. I feel I need that for closure. But even my most recent phone call (2 days ago) was cut short because she started to turn nasty in the call. I just don’t know what to do to protect my feelings whilst obviously caring for her when she won’t let me. I feel I am in an awful predicament. Any advice from anyone who experienced the death of a toxic parent would be welcome please. Thank you.

OP posts:

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/08/2023 09:26

WorriedDaughter12 · 06/08/2023 04:16

Interesting point that actually I will not get that closure and I need to just work on accepting that before it eats me up. My mother had a great life, wanted for nothing so I will not be looking at her with pity regarding how she treated me.

My M sounds just like yours but I've made peace with her not being there for me a long time ago. I've had Counselling in the past which was fir something else but quickly turned into taking about the relationship with my M.

I really would think about getting some counselling now, you seem desperate for her to give you what you want but she does seem incapable.

Original poster

WorriedDaughter12 · 06/08/2023 04:16

OP posts:

DyslexicPoster · 06/08/2023 00:28

I think it's different for everyone. I had councilling a few years before and mum has recently died suddenly and unexpectedly. I didn't need closure, therapy told me I'd never get what I craved which was intense and hard at the time. My mum had many shit hands dalt to her and going over that for her eulogy was breathtakingly painful. But she made her choices freely. Other people are dealt shit hands ( like me) and rise up yo the challenge. Its all free choice. I feel weird now. I feel very aware that there's no one on this earth I will feel obligated to like her ever again. I miss her. I love her. But it's complicated. I should be crushed but whereas most mums are a daughters rock, she wasn't. She wasn't available in that role for me

Original poster

WorriedDaughter12 · 06/08/2023 00:20

Thank you so much for that. I will google both those. It’s a complicated situation x

OP posts:

mauricemossmylove · 05/08/2023 21:11

I can tell you from my DC perspective that your feelings will be all over the place. My DC had an extremely toxic relationship with their dad, and even during their last phone call, when it was clear he was dying, he refused to discuss how ill he was. The only upside was that DC got a lot of things off their chest and in some way that was cathartic.
There is such a thing as anticipatory grief and complicated grief, both of which you could Google.
The way you expect you might feel at losing a toxic parent may not necessarily be borne out in reality and as with all grief, feelings change constantly in the first few days and weeks and you might find it helpful to talk to a counsellor.

Unflip

1 2