Mum/abuse/grief

Pop over to the Stately Homes thread.
Your Mum's refusal to be alone is not your problem to solve.
You can still love and support her, but you need to have some resolution to the fact she exposed you and a further child to abuse - your shame is misplaced but entirely understandable.
You are entitled to your own life and boundaries for your own well being.

Am glad you found this reassuring and helpful.

I once met some siblings who were in a similar situation to you, who had found out their mum was dying. They rang the hospital and made it clear they wanted their mum to be safe and well-looked after, but due to their personal history were not able to be anything more than distant advocates.

The whole medical team had so much respect for those siblings and the care they showed while being totally firm about their personal boundaries.

The mum - we didn't like her so much, particularly as she never shut up about how disappointing her children were. No insight whatsover.

What a rotten situation, OP

The basic facts are that you are a decent, caring human being... And your mum, sadly, is not.

Protect yourself.

Life is cruel, and not just for you.

Stupid games win stupid prizes. Time she learned that lesson.

Not your job.

Similar situation with my grandmother. She was abusive towards us and allowed abuse to happen to us- although emotional, not in the same league as yours- but once she was widowed expected support she had never afforded any of us.

You should get to therapy to help you to cope with this. You're entitled to not offer her support which hurts you. Good luck.

Oh OP I really feel for you. A couple of thoughts:

1. First off, make sure to get counselling for what happened (you may already have).
2. Can you get your GP to say that you can't drive so far (or sit on a bus/train for that length of time) to give you an 'out' when your siblings get nasty? I know you shouldn't have to, but sometimes it helps to have backing.
3. As PP said, if she really can't cope alone, I'd be putting her in sheltered housing. And lastly, wtf? She colluded in the abuse you suffered to the point that your niece was also abused. She could actually be prosecuted for this, as could your siblings if, as you say, they also knew and failed to protect your niece. I would be pointing this out to them if they try to force you to spend more time than you feel able / willing to do with your mother. And also that there's no statute of limitations on CA cases. Even though your grandfather is dead, neither your mum nor sibling are, and age is no bar to prosecution.

Whatever you do, think of yourself first. Good luck.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you, OP. You’re a good person for feeling some obligation, but (whatever the potential complications in her own past and psyche) she let you down when you needed protection and in turn your niece.

The long and short of it is that you owe her nothing.

Yes OP, I feel like along with the guilt, you’re also bracing yourself from the rage you’ll get once you stop pandering to your mother. Not just from her but other enabling family members.

I was called a thief, a liar, a bully, too sensitive, self-righteous, spoilt, abusive.

The latest tirade was by my sibling who enables my mother and was triggered because I’m taking a break. If I’m such a monster, you’d think they’d be relieved that I was leaving them alone!

I also love that podcast and have found it really helpful.

If your mum does not wish to be alone, she needs to make changes to move to somewhere she had company. She could but a place in a retirement complex, join her local Age UK, live in extra care housing etc, however she should not be able to force the rest of you to run around after her. What would happen if she was on her own. I think you are all being manipulated. Maybe a family conflab is needed with all of you and your mum, where you are all honesty about your limitations and agree to support her to take steps to make some social life, but do m not take on all the responsibility yourselves.
Good luck

I would have no guilt for cutting off that woman that deserves nothing from you. She colluded and protected a paedophile who she knew harmed her own daughter. Protecting him enabled him to then go on further to abuse your niece. What a disgusting excuse of a mother.

I too suffered CSA but from my paternal gf. I never told anyone except a sister and thankfully he died when I was a teenager.

I am horrified by your post and feel so upset for you. Her behaviour is outrageous,you own her nothing.

Please come over to the stately homes thread under relationships. You will get much wise advise from others with toxic and dysfunctional families. It has been a valuable resource to me for years. Post what you have written here and you will get fab support. You are trapped in fog - fear,obligation and guilt.

Much love and solidarity xx

My mother is the same, when my father died she expected someone to be with her at all times.

The most frustrating thing is she has always had this fear of being alone in her old age and did nothing to prepare for it. She doesn’t even open her mail.

She won’t take any advice, she won’t downsize and move closer to us, she won’t move back to her home country (where she understands the language and culture) to be closer to her own siblings, she drove out several lodgers, ruined many relationships with friends and family.

She just wants my siblings and I to take care of her, despite us having full time jobs and raising families. She feels we ‘owe’ it to her despite her being very mean throughout our lives. It’s a control thing.

I’m currently having a break from her because she’s hurt me one too many times (it’s not one particular incident but a 1000 cuts). But I can’t even conceive being in touch with a parent who denied your abuse and let it happen again to another child!!!

You owe her (or any of your wider family who let this happen) NOTHING.

I’m outraged and devastated for you.

That's awful OP. I'm so sorry for what you have experienced. Sadly there are a lot of abusive mothers, have a look at the Stately Homes thread here.

Your mother doesn't care about anyone but herself and how you feel is of no interest to her so long as she is getter needs met.

If you don't meet her needs, like my "mother" she will probably go to the extreme of casting you out, and like the family I thought I had, others will support her. Its a crazy mob group think, where one person is the worst person in the world for putting themselves first.

Personally I've been having therapy for a couple of years and understand far better the effects of the toxicity I grew up in. Its been hard, but I really understand now that it wasn't me and I didn't deserve the treatment I got. These people won't change, they have no reason to, they think their life is working for them just fine. So the best thing is to step away and look after you.

In addition to therapy I have found the Insight podcasts fantastic and would highly recommend you listen to a few of them
podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight-exposing-narcissism/id1613030538

Honestly I don't see why you should feel guilty.

Your mum was a poor parent to you.

Having 1-to-1 support constantly following a bereavement is not a realistic or reasonable expectation even if she had been the world's best parent.

If your siblings choose to support her by setting up a 1-to-1 rota that's fine but they cannot insist that you join it.

You can't do it as you are ill, too far away and are frankly the wrong person given your past history. I'd start quietly drawing back blaming the back injury for not being able to get there.

The right thing to do is protect yourself. Did your siblings collude in this cover up? Including the one whose child was abused?

Your mum has forfeited any right to consideration from you. Your siblings might choose to go along with her demands. You can make a different choice.