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Elderly parents
Original poster

Persuading parents to move from v unsuitable house

33 replies

Hilda41 · 29/07/2023 07:32

Hi, My parents are late 70s, they've always been healthy and indepently, but now my mum has lost mobility - rheumatism and osteoperosis and is struggling with mobility. I visit as often as I can, but it's a 3 hour drive away and my dc have SEN.

They live in a huge, old house which is basically falling apart and not future proofed at all. In the past they looked into installing a downstairs toilet, but this proved tricky. Loads of expensive repairs need doing. They also live in the middle of nowhere - on the outskirts of a tiny village in the countryside. It's full of clutter and stuff too, and there's a huge garden which is too much for them

We have talked for years about them moving, but they were always very resistant when they were fit and well, and in a way looking after the house and garden was a full time job that kept them active. Now it's way too much though for them as my mum can't do anything because of her back. They are not future planners at all and both lived in denial about getting older.

My sister and I live very close to each other, so it's a no brainer to move closer to us. It would be a huge transition though, and every year will get harder.

Does anyone have any tips / practical advice about helping them move? I think it's the only solution as getting regular care in would be tricky as they are so isolated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hilda41 · 29/07/2023 08:35

Responsible - your relative sounds very resilient! Amazing to roll with a new life like that in your 90s!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hilda41 · 29/07/2023 08:32

Thanks very much all for replying. Really helpful advice and food for thought.

Jauki -you are right. I think moving would be too overwhelming for them, especially if they felt pushed into it. And they need to go at their own pace. I had hoped the pull factor of being close to DC and dgc would be help, but I think for them it would just all be too stressful.

OP posts:
ResponsibleWalrus · 29/07/2023 08:24

Could you get a rough valuation for their house and show them what's available for their budget around you? My DH's grandmother sold her large 4 bed house in the Wiltshire countryside and was able to buy a 2 bed detached house in a posh area of central Chichester. She's always been active but had given up driving and was sick of relying on friends and family for lifts. Now she's on the edge of the pedestrian area and can walk (with her rollator) to cafes, shops, galleries. She was 90 when she moved and says her only regret is not doing it sooner. We see her less often than we used to because her social life has become so busy. We have to get booked into her diary at least a couple of months in advance 🤣

andfinallyimhere · 29/07/2023 08:09

This is a worrying time, I understand this predicament very well. It will no doubt be very hard for them to consider moving from all the familiarity and comfort of what they know but you could perhaps whet their appetite and ask if they would come with you to view something more suitable. If you have a rough idea of what they could get for their house, see if they'd be willing to view an adapted bungalow or some kind of assisted living. Make a day of it, go for a nice lunch etc. Sometimes it really helps to see with your own eyes how much easier and more practical it would be to not have stairs or a huge garden etc.

My dad was also very resistant to change but when he saw the place I had researched, he couldn't believe it and was suddenly full of excitement at how much easier things could be. Depending on your parents' personalities, this might be worth a try.

If they are 100% committed to staying in their current house, there isn't a great deal you can do. You can ask for a social services needs assessment which might help them with some mobility aids (grab rails/minor adjustments etc) but otherwise you'd have to be led by them. Really difficult situation!

LizzieSiddal · 29/07/2023 08:05

Be honest with them that their location and your own DC issues mean that you aren't going to be able to be much help as they get older but you would be able to do more if they lived closer.

This is what we’ve done with dh’s parents. They live in a very similar circumstances to your parents, huge house, middle of nowhere with massive garden. FIL has worsening Parkinson’s, mil is recovering from cancer, both 80.
We’ve asked them for years to move closer to us so we can do more but they’ve decided not to. So we’ve explained we can’t help as much as we’d like to and when things get too much they will have to organise paid help. It’s too late for them to move now, they’re both too ill.

Dh are determined we won’t put our Dc through this.

cuckyplunt · 29/07/2023 07:54

You do what you can, at the point that you can’t help, you point out to them that if they moved, you could help more and then you stand back.
We are in a 5 bed house where we raised our children, who will move out this year. It literally breaks my heart that at some point we are facing losing all this familiarity and all these memories, not to mention dumping so many objects with sentimental resonance.
Its a tough call OP, I guess the decision will be taken out their hands soon enough, in the meantime just stand back a bit.

thedevilinablackdress · 29/07/2023 07:52

PP is very sensible.
For now, would they get (afford?) a gardener and cleaner?

JaukiVexnoydi · 29/07/2023 07:48

For as long as they have mental capacity, step back. Freedom includes the right to make unwise choices. Be honest with them that their location and your own DC issues mean that you aren't going to be able to be much help as they get older but you would be able to do more if they lived closer. However if they choose not to move and have to rely more heavily on bought-in carer services then that is up to them.

You can't and shouldn't be trying to persuade them to do what works best for you. They are adults with their own priorities and whilst they know full well the problems with staying put, the problems of sorting out a lifetime of stuff and getting used to a new place can also be overwhelming. It's not unusual for elderly folk to die quite soon after a major uprooting done with the best of intentions - simply because the overwhelming stress of the move exacerbates whatever other health issues they have. So it's not unreasonable to choose to stay put in a clearly unsuitable situation if that is their choice.

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