Persuading parents to move from v unsuitable house

Its absolutely draining with elderly parents. I had this with one parent who passed last year and now the remaining parent who is fighting not to go into a care home but relies on me for almost everything. Who pretends everything is fine whilst getting me to do everything, finances, washing, legal bits, post etc.

They use emotional blackmail (and I dont use that term lightly). Has no issues in fibbing to get their own way not in an aggressive way but in a 'poor me, you are the only sibling in the UK' way and who else should they call etc etc.

I have now put boundaries in place. They will almost definitely be moving into a care home and if they refuse then social services can sort this. Parent has capacity but no plan whatsoever to live independently bar giving my number to everyone who contacts stating their daughter will sort it!

I'm with Jauki on this one too, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. In the end they're adults and this is their problem to solve. I've got a parent in a situation where relocating to live nearer to me is something that's being considered. But TBH, it's not simple and in some ways could make things worse. If she comes here she'll be living in an area she doesn't know, where she doesn't know anyone at all apart from me Yes, I would be closer than I am now if the worst happens, but her day to day existence right now could well be miserable. I can't be her daily social life for the next 10+ years.

Awful as it sounds, sometimes you've got to respect people's right to sort themselves out (or not) and you can't fix everything.

Tricky! My parents are in a similar house, still fit and healthy right now, their plan for future years seems to be not getting old which is a dumb plan but what can you do?

Is the work that needs doing on the house going to have a health impact on them (damp from leaks etc?) I think you could sit them down and spell out what it will take to keep that house going and adapt it for mobility, and then go to see a more accessible alternative to see if they could imagine themselves there.

You also have to think about what happens when one of them dies - the house sounds bad for an elderly couple, even worse to live in alone. Maybe they don't want to think about that but you could have it in the back of your mind.

It’s really difficult working out what is the best choice. You’re 80 years old, still living in your familiar home with your belongings around you, and friends nearby. Your DC want you to move nearer to-them, into a lovely little garden flat. You move. But you’ve had to get rid of half your furniture, and things you were keeping because they gave you comfort and security. You have to make a new set of friends - but how? The aids to friendship that you used before, such as volunteering, are no longer open to you, you’re a liability rather than a help. And you soon find out your DC, although willing to step in for emergencies, absolutely will not provide a social life,or even pick up the phone to answer your little daily problems.

Someone will say “so move in your 60s, when you still can make friends”. But you have maybe 30 years of life ahead of you. Will your DC still be living in the same area in 30 years or will you still have to uproot yourself again in your 80s?

Very wise words.

Jauki do you work in health or social care by any chance

We (my sister and i) moved my nan to our home town about 10 years ago. She previously lived a 45 minute drive away. Whilst she has never really forgiven us, even she can see that she would have had much, much less help had she stayed put. We realistically would have only seen her every other weekend as we work full time and both have kids. As it is, she sees one of us every day and we are a 5 min drive away in case of emergency. That's not to say she doesn't moan about being uprooted from 'her home' cos she certainly does....😉

My parents moved a couple of years ago to a bungalow in a new location, brilliant local community and services and on a bus route.
They're late 70s and healthy and active and due to a small inheritance, were able to make that 'future proofing' move.
It'll make life so much easier for them and for us as they get older. It was their choice tho, and they're happier than ever.

My parents are in similar situation, but still very fit and active. Everyone here is correct, you can't make them move, and you can't TELL them anything.

But... you can have as many positive conversations around them about others who have moved and how its been great for them. You can talk about how others would have avoided the care home if they had moved or future-proofed sooner. You can wonder what their future selves would say if they could shout back from the Care-Home - "Move while you can" or "install all the ageing products you can NOW", etc.

I love the idea someone said about finding out how much the house is worth then hinting at what they could get somewhere else.

My parents won't move, so I'm getting them to future-proof at least. It's like pulling teeth though!

afutureathome.com

With my mum I told her we were going to the garden centre but instead took her to see a property near me that I thought might be the sort of place she might choose if she wanted to move near me. Initially she was shocked and a bit cross, but she got that I was just making sure she understood the options, and left her to think about it. (I knew if I suggested doing that she would say no).

Within a month or two she had decided to sell up and move near me.

It was not easy for her to leave the area she'd lived in from the first days of her marriage until she was over 90, and move 200 miles away. It was easier for her as all he peers were dead or had dementia, and she was really beginning to struggle without some practical help. But it was still tough. Your parents have each other, have a social life locally, and everything is familiar to them.

How about one of you sisters uprooting and moving to where they live? Shocked I should even suggest it? so why should they feel any differently?

Just a note to say that it is your parents who should set up POAs for health, and for finances.

In fact, we all should. Over the years I've heard a fair few stories in which someone of working age went into a coma, or lost capacity in some other way, and their partner then had no access to the family money.

One of my friends mother's is now in her early 80's. Her mother lives in a large detached house with a garden. It's 2 or 3 miles away from the nearest shop.
It has a few villages and towns within a 10 mile redius.

A few years ago my friends mother was complaining that certain expensive jobs needed to be done in the house and a few other things.
My friend suggested that her mother sell the house and buy something smaller in town.
My friends mother made it very clear she was not going to do this.

So now a number of years later and my friend has seen her mother decline.
She is still driving but her slight has gotten worse and she may not get a driving license the next time she has to renew it. She has also some slight memory problems.
My friend has decided that she will help out when she can but is not going to be left to do it all. She has siblings and they are going to have to help out also.

My friend has seen several situations that with a bit of forward planning things could have been far easier on both the elderly parent/parents and adult children.

I would imagine that those who move house when very old - most particularly when they didn't want to - are often going to be in very poor health (hence the forced move). So that statistic wouldn't necessarily put me off the idea of encouraging elderly parents to move.

I think one factor in the reluctance to move can be (often subtle) mental deterioration. Your brain becomes less adaptable and less able to learn new things and handle new environments. It's just harder to process unfamiliar information, at least until you get used to the "new normal." So people cling on to their old houses because adjusting to somewhere new seems genuinely difficult.

My parents were very vocal when my gran reached about 75yo that she had to move, that her house was unsuitable etc…

When my parents moved (aged about 75yo), they then….. chose the most unsuitable house to get old in. Stairs, far away from shops (with a step slope too!) and in a different country (many reasons fir that). Which means no support network around them at all (I’m an only child….) All the stuff they were saying when my gran was that age? Gone out if the window…..
They somehow think they will stay mobile. That they’ll be able to drive forever (despite criticising another grand parents fir doing that). That buying the help they need will be enough (and thankfully they can-do that).
They’ve both told me that they dint see themselves as being 80yo. And yes they act as if they were still 40~50yo…

Will it work? Who knows but I’ve learnt to step back. I’m not going to convince them.
But I’ve also learnt not to take their well-being as MY responsibility. It will become that when they are struggling more to take decisions etc..l Until then, they choice, their responsibility.

My advice would be to get POA put in place now / asap, so that if they did lose capacity you would have more ability to help.

Also keep an eye on what help may be available. Attendance Allowance is not means tested and can be used for whatever help they most need. Help them apply for a Blue Badge as soon as it becomes possible.

Occasionally and Cheerfully drop things into the conversation like “oh it’s such a shame you are so far away, I’d love you to come over for lunch and see xx child’s achievement etc” and similar. “Oh no, appliance needs changing… We’d love to pop over and help but given the journey won’t be able to come til <<distant future date>> can you manage til then?”.

It usually takes a serious catastrophe before many elderly people accept help.

I think there are some statistics which show that moving when you're very elderly particularly if you didnt want to can hasten your death

I think other suggestions people have made are much better, visitss from a range of services, cleaner, gardener, hairdresser etc etc

This is what Im trying to persuade mine to to do.

With regard to the state of the house, if things need repair that are actively going to cause them harm if not done, then thats something perhaps they can agree for you to arrange and supervise perhaps?

I do feel for you. I pushed for my parents to do this very thing about fifteen years ago, but now it's too late. Them being late eighties, becoming more frail, and four hours away is a continual low-level worry for me.

But this is what they want and they are managing (somehow - the only help they have is a once a week cleaner who only does downstairs as they are private about upstairs), in their own way. They don't ask much of me and I see them as often as I can which doesn't feel often enough to me.

My only sibling lives abroad and I don't want this last few years with my parents around to be characterised by me nagging them, so for now I'm just taking it day by day.

On a practical level the house is unsafe a not suited to a couple of the age and health. They will never see this, as on an emotional level, it is totally safe and secure. It has been there comfort blanket for such a long time.

In every case that I have seen, it is sadly only a major crisis which forces them to move. Meanwhile their loved ones live on edge waiting for the inevitable.
I don’t think you can do anything to persuade them to move.

It's so hard isn't it? We want them to retain their independence but at some stage things inevitably change. MIL lives on her own in rural south west, we live 300miles away. She needs an urgent op and also a hip replacement, she can barely walk/stand due to the pain. She's stopped cooking/eating properly.
She has a cleaner now, and support from a community nurse but she never goes upstairs and can't currently drive due to mobility issues.
We'd love her to move closer to us but she's adamant she wants to stay in big house with massive wild garden, no public transport & no family nearby. She could sell and the proceeds would more than cover a lovely garden flat or small bungalow where we are.
DH has spent weeks with her helping out when she's been really unwell but he's now back to hybrid working so can't decamp there for weeks. Not should he need to really.
So hard. No answers but I feel your pain.

People don’t downsize soon enough

Some relatives of mine were in this situation. Hours away from family and very isolated in a big old house. It took about 10 years and eventually one of them falling down the stairs and breaking their hip for them to finally realise it wasn’t sustainable. They have now moved and wish they’d done it sooner. Seeing their kids and grandkids several times a week rather than just a few times a year.
They do need to work it out themselves unfortunately and older people are very resistant to change especially when it involves leaving the home they have lived their whole lives in

PIL wanted to make their own (poor) choices. All good until MIL predictably fell and badly broke her femur, joining the many similar others queueing in A&E to begin the revolving door scenario. Then it was all phone calls expecting immediate help.
Frustrating.

I'm 60 so not old yet, but I would hate to be railroaded into living near my relatives, and leaving my community. Even if I was struggling.

Is there a compromise? When my dm was widowed and became less able, she refused point blank to move so we added services gradually around her.

• Weekly gardener
• Weekly cleaner
• Mobile hair dresser
• Weekly delivery from farm foods
• Weekly taxi run to supermarket on account
• Monthly pedicure
• Weekly visit to social centre
• Alarm button

The visits were spread out over the days so she always had something to get up and tidy for, and someone to talk to. They all had our number and would ring if any of them was worried.

She lived quite happily like that until about her last two weeks.

Following this as I’m in the same situation

It's a tough moment in time.

I hate to say it, but you have to let them fail and struggle for a bit. That way they will start to appreciate you more.

After years of being told by my own parents how lovely the neighbours are and how much they are always there, hence they couldn't possibly move - I live 9 hrs away by car, only child - it took mum to get seriously ill and mentally unwell for dad to realise that the neighbours on both sides and across the road didn't really want to know. Their answer was 'get your son down to deal with it'.

It pissed my parents off something awful when I asked what these neighbours surnames were three years ago - they didn't know - it was just 'lovely john' or 'margaret from flower club'... But god, after pinning all their hopes on these people, did my dad get a shock.

Everyone was always 'busy' or about to go and see relatives...

Let them fail. Then they may think sensibly.

Otherwise you are just knackering yourself out trying to have a sensible convo