Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Mere if you don't mind me asking, is it early stage?

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm so sorry to hear this xx

Things rumble on as usual here. I havnt seen nan since Monday. I worked the rest of the week and then I had a sickness bug yesterday so not going in this weekend for her safety. Nan is absolutely fuming about this... She has seen my Sister Wednesday and BIL Thursday plus obviously the carers every day so she hasn't been abandoned. I feel drained when I see her and then guilty for feeling that way.

I’m very sorry @MereDintofPandiculation

That must have been incredibly hard to hear, @MereDintofPandiculation .

@MereDintofPandiculation sorry to read your post.

Oh no, @MereDintofPandiculation that's difficult news to hear.
I'm so sorry.

@MereDintofPandiculation sorry to hear that.

Really sorry to hear this 💐

Thank you everyone for the kind comments
I think the anger probably is just something I have to go through

Mum's brain MRI results finally came through. They don't think there's been any further damage since the stroke in November.

Frankly this is unfortunate for me because

a) it means my mother's decision making has been real and not impaired, to some extent? There are "normal age related changes" on the scan apparently. So...she had all her brain function while expecting me to be carer.

b) it gives her more grounds to get rid of the carer. But she has emergency contacts now through the care agency. I don't leave my phone on 24/7.

MissMarplesNiece I know it seems unthinkable, but it's more than time to step back. Really all of you should step back. It was the best thing I could have done. I refuse to take mum out. I'm going over there tomorrow for what will be a couple of hours - that's more than enough.

If you say you are ill, will she just phone you and scream and cry?

Really you need your sister to sit her down and say that you're ill, no one can cope and either she needs to find somewhere to live of her own accord or go into a home or sheltered housing.

Sending 💐 to everyone battling with problems with/on behalf of their "olds". Im feeling especially fragile today after visiting my DM yesterday. She's so unhappy, but it's stuff I can't do anything about - old age stuff. Even though I know that, I feel really sad and upset that I can't make things better for her.

It doesn't help my frame of mind that she's so bitter about her life & everyone. Yesterday she was vile & told me no body has ever thought of her or done anything for her. I know it's frustration because she's so physically frail and can't do what she wants when she wants, but it's also so unfair because so many people spend so much time and energy trying to make life as nice and comfortable and pleasant for her as possible. And I find it upsetting to here her say that.

@countrygirl99 right decision and I do hope she is comfortable, and you and family are holding up.

MiL wound has opened up again, screw came out yesterday and she has tested positive for MRSA. She is on antibiotics and hospital told nursing home they couldn’t see her until November so the home rang an ambulance and sent a nurse with her. DH has gone to see if he can find her in an isolation ward and discover what the plan is. She will likely be confused and distraught…. 🙁.

Can't the district nurse do the vaccinations?

The suffering that elderly people go through is horrible and distressing to see when we love them and care about them so much.

@countrygirl99 , my DM also bruises so easily - her arms and hands are purple with huge bruises, and she gets so embarrassed about them. I'm so sorry to read about your MiL - I hope she finds peace quickly. It must be such a sad time for you & your DH.

My DM's surgery doesn't do home visits. Very poor really, they must have many patients like my DM where visiting the surgery is very, very difficult. It makes me cross really; we can have home visits from a hairdresser, chiropodist, optician etc, but the people who are meant to have their patients' well being at heart - GP surgery - doesn't have a person to do home visits.

@funnelfan we've already agreed no more hospital trips and no more tests, keep her comfortable only. She was having blood tests twice a week and getting really distressed and as she bruises very easily her arms were black and blue they were causing real pain.

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry 🌺🌺
@venusandmars very interesting observations.

I'm sorry @countrygirl99 . The care home probably is following procedure because somewhere there will be a family who would want a lump checked out even in that situation. Wishing your MiL peace and comfort in her final days, and also for you, your DH and family.

@EmmaEmerald I don't wish to join a pile on about you feeling angry about yourself, although I agree 100% with posters expressing dismay at this! Your emotions are completely valid - albeit I'm sorry you are experiencing them. A thought I had was that it may be possible that the anger at yourself may be part of the healing process you are doing from the breakdown. Are you accessing any form of talking therapy at the moment that would help you explore your emotions?

So MIL is dying. Dying slowly but dying and probably won't make DHs birthday next month if she even makes next month. Today DH gets a call from the care home to say they are concerned because, when they were washing her, they found a lump in her breast and wanted the doctor to check it but thankfully he said there's no point. Why ask someone to poke about and distress her now?

@EmmaEmerald there are times when many of make decisions that seem right at the time - moving closer to parents, moving near to our own dc to help with dgc, moving to an ideal dream location... then things change - dc move to Australia (or in my case you have a falling out over a dog!), the dream location turns out to have a new road built adjacent to it. We cannot predict these things. We make our decisions in a spirit of optimism for how wonderfully things might turn out, that is not stupid, that is hope, which is a good thing. It is also a good thing to be reviewing now and to be able to consider other possibilities.

to all those who are going through the difficult struggles. In the year that dh and I were 50 we met up with our very close friends, also both 50. We celebrated our milestone birthdays of course but also celebrated that unusually we still had 8 living parents between us, all of them in their 80s. Now we are in our 60's and there are 2 parents left between us. To be honest, those of us who have lost our parents feel more fortunate. However difficult those times were, the first four to die were somewhat predictable (advanced Parkinson's, chronic heart failure etc) and the really difficult periods were comparatively short - only a few months. MIL died earlier this summer age 93 - a merciful relief as she was in terrible pain, desperately unhappy and wanted nothing more than to leave this world. Now the two remaining parents (both men) have advanced dementia and are either horribly lonely or distressingly confused.

@MissMarplesNiece please prioritise your own health and well-being. Can the surgery send someone out to your dm to jab her?

Yes, I had a boss once, lovely man, and he gave me a piece of advice one night when we were fixing a computer system and I was dithering about a course of action - and that was just to make a decision. You can only base it on the knowledge and information you have at the time - it might not be the best or wisest decision but don’t blame yourself in retrospect. He was right.

@EmotionalBlackmail you're spot on.
Also unhelpful is when those with no experience of looking after an elderly relative tell you they could never put their loved one in a home. Wish those people would understand it's not a rash decision but one that has been carefully thought about. Once in the home, problems don't magically disappear, they just change.