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Elderly parents
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Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

984 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/07/2023 20:27

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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EmmaEmerald · 15/10/2023 18:26

sean I am very sorry but I have seen this go on for quite some time in a few people. It is likely that she is not suffering but for those watching and waiting, it is dreadful. I wish you all the best, it's such a tough time.

InternallyScreaming · 15/10/2023 17:33

@EmmaEmerald I know exactly where you are coming from, it's fucking hard
I've had to step right back for a bit

seanbeanmarryme · 15/10/2023 17:26

Thank you for everyone's kind words.
Had Dad on the phone getting upset today as he can't do anything for her. He visited today and she hadn't been eating or drinking, not sure how much longer she can carry on like this.

thesandwich · 15/10/2023 17:23

@EmmaEmerald sounds awful. Sorry you had to deal with it

TheShellBeach · 15/10/2023 16:49

Emma, I'm sorry you had to endure that.

EmmaEmerald · 15/10/2023 15:43

Awful visit with mum this afternoon

The minute I turn up looking vaguely normal, mum decides she can dump her problems on me.

I burst into tears and left. Well, we did talk before I left - she conveniently can't remember a lot of things, but when reminded, she says "how can you still be angry about this now?"

I'm angry because it's legal and financial stuff I've been angry about since 2017, and her and my father's reluctance to deal with it means I will be dealing with it long after she's dead. (They did nothing, against all my advice, and now, as I might have said upthread, a new issue has arisen from their country of origin. I actually even warned them that this shit would come back to haunt me when there were other crises or when I was ill or something).

the original problem could have been dealt with years ago.

She's kept quiet about it for a while because of my breakdown, but it turns out in the interim, she has done literally nothing and has not asked my sister to do anything.

I think it's best not to visit for at least another month. Collected two winter coats, there's some other winter tops there but I didn't want to hang around looking for them.

Truth be told, I am also pissed off with my sister for not dealing with it but she's my only family so I have to not piss her off.

mum did at least say "I can see I am a huge problem for you " and I said "well, you can't help being old and ill but you can do as you're told with this other stuff".

Finally, last week she offered me money because she thought I must need it for bills. I don't, as it happens, but as I left, I told her I'd take whatever was on offer and do what I like with it. Because frankly I feel like compensation is due for dealing with all her nonsense.

thank you for listening.

Horsemad · 15/10/2023 14:10

seanbeanmarryme · 14/10/2023 16:52

Visited Mum today, she has really declined over the last 2 weeks. Now bedridden and hardly eating and drinking. Apart from a couple of minutes she was sleep most of the time.

@seanbeanmarryme

Same with my Mum.

As I can only get across every 2/3 weeks, I notice a change every time I see her.

It is utterly depressing. 🙁

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/10/2023 09:59

@Juneday Thanks, that's encouraging! (which is more than you can say for the 5 year survival figures - I probably shouldn't google). I hope your DH is OK. My optimistic story is my DF who had a heart attack at 71, acquired atrial defibrillation as a souvenir and is about to celebrate his 101th birthday.

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Juneday · 15/10/2023 08:32

Sorry to hear your new @MereDintofPandiculation and hope pacemaker surgery can be carried out soon as it has good outcomes and would help overall health for your DH. My uncle had both problems that your DH has and managed to keep my aunt busy in the kitchen for a good few years - although his daily fry ups had to be cut back! I had no idea about induction hob issue and pacemakers dh had 24 heart monitor on for tests this week🤞 thinks it is occasional stress related racing heart.

sorry others, so many having tough times. Visited MiL in hospital, they will no be performing any surgery which tbh is what I thought, IV antibiotics and now oral again and will run a bunch of blood tests but should be back in care home on Monday. Antidepressants are helping as she was in quite good spirits although asked again when I am having twins, which made visitor for next patient laugh…. I am not sure she knows where she is and got upset a few times, but much better than she has been. She is tiny though, not an ounce of body fat that I could see. She was a size 16 a few years ago. Nurses were helpful and kind but we don’t really know what the view is … screws ‘falling out’ of an open wound! How, why, are there more that could come loose, will she be on antibiotics for the rest of her days, will she be back visiting orthopeadics as an outpatient?

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2023 21:38

Thanks @PermanentTemporary . I don't want to lose my hob! Can you soft boil eggs in the microwave?

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MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2023 21:29

THanks @thesandwich and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Yeah, hopefully a good remaining time together. I'm pretty confident about the next year to 18 months, it's the sort of 5 year timescale which is hazy. And so really I'm on a par with everyone -how many of us can really say that their partner will still be around in 5 years? All sorts of accidents and sudden illnesses can happen.

Friend of mine who lost her husband said of the last year "it was a limited life, but it was a good life". She had the awfulness of diagnosis and all treatment being during Covid. Things could be worse.

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IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 14/10/2023 21:11

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. I know it's not a competition but I do think everyone else's circumstances seem worse than mine. As I was saying to a friend today, at least my stresses are finite. So many have circumstances that I feel would break me if I had to go through them. Knowing that the day to day care of my DM is in caring and capable hands makes me feel so much better. At yesterday's visit every member of staff we spoke to said how pleased they were that she was home and how much they had missed her.

@MereDintofPandiculation so sorry to read about your DH. I hope you will be able to enjoy a good few years together.

PermanentTemporary · 14/10/2023 20:33

@MereDintofPandiculation what hard news for you both. Hoping there is a hob solution...

A day on the motorway and visiting first DM and then MIL. I do feel lucky that both are set up in their nursing homes. Remembering what it was like when both were struggling at home, plus I was grieving dh, plus my godmother fell and got a major head injury, and then my dad had a stroke... that was about three years of hell. Solidarity to everyone going through that stage.

Now I can see that MIL is going rapidly downhill even in the past month or two, and in fact FIL can see it too which is a tribute to his daily visits and realism. I think there is part of him that is ready to let go, though we'll see when the time comes. She is asleep most of the time, eating and drinking odd mouthfuls, murmuring rather than talking. But she still knows him.

thesandwich · 14/10/2023 20:24

So sorry to read that @MereDintofPandiculation. Thinking of you and mr Dint. 🌺🌺Had heard that re induction hob! A friends wife has had a pacemaker and now only doing things on the cooker from arms length!
thinking of you @seanbeanmarryme and @countrygirl99
and please look afte4 yourselves @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and @EmmaEmerald

EmmaEmerald · 14/10/2023 19:58

Mere that made me lol!

countrygirl99 · 14/10/2023 19:57

Yep @MereDintofPandiculation you don't want to lose someone but hate to see them suffer and then there is the strain on family members.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2023 19:21

@countrygirl99 Difficult, isn’t it? Conflicting desires

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MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2023 19:20

Thanks @Mum5net

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Mum5net · 14/10/2023 19:10

Rotten to read your post @MereDintofPandiculation. Sending you and Mr Dint lots of positivity. Thinking of @countrygirl99 and @seanbeanmarryme and@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere .
Not an easy time.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2023 19:06

@seanbeanmarryme sorry about your mum’s decline. It’s very difficult.

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2023 19:05

EmmaEmerald · 14/10/2023 17:06

Mere is a pacemaker an option, if he wants?

sean I'm sorry, I know that's hard to see.

It’s being talked about. Unfortunately we’ve got an induction hob. Who will cook Christmas dinner? Grin

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countrygirl99 · 14/10/2023 18:22

Youngest son flew home on a 48 hour visit to see MIL so we spent most of today at the care home. Really sad as it's most likely the last time he will see her unless she lasts until Christmas which, in the state she is in, would be awful.

TheShellBeach · 14/10/2023 17:55

seanbeanmarryme · 14/10/2023 16:52

Visited Mum today, she has really declined over the last 2 weeks. Now bedridden and hardly eating and drinking. Apart from a couple of minutes she was sleep most of the time.

So sorry to see this.
It's very sad when they get so unwell, especially if they barely talk to you.

EmmaEmerald · 14/10/2023 17:06

Mere is a pacemaker an option, if he wants?

sean I'm sorry, I know that's hard to see.

seanbeanmarryme · 14/10/2023 16:52

Visited Mum today, she has really declined over the last 2 weeks. Now bedridden and hardly eating and drinking. Apart from a couple of minutes she was sleep most of the time.