Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

@MereDintofPandiculation yes, there are obviously still a few Councils dotted up and down the land who are ‘kinder’ than others if you try to read into AgeUK’s guidance. Pretty sure, there will be tightening up across the board. My DFriend in central reports her DM’s Council is in consultation process to withdraw a more generous than most social care provision and fall into line with others.

*phonecall

Nans had 2 falls in the 3 days I've been poorly. She's miraculously managed to get up without assistance each time. I'm not sure how cos it's always been Careline and an ambulance before... Shes knocked her leg which is now leaking fluid - this has been a recurrent issue. Nurses won't come to her now as shes not technically housebound anymore so we are waiting for a doctors phonecard. She won't hear a word of it of course. I'm off to do her shopping and then going to mentally prepare myself for my first visit in a week. Wish me luck..

@EmmaEmerald it does sound like a stressful situation and I am lucky MiL wanted rid of any money or legal worries, she misread a bank statement and we found her in bed having not eaten all day because of the worry. That was before her fall and dementia diagnosis. She has done some silly things in the past without referencing us as we own half her flat, one that I argued with B Gas about but they wouldn’t back down. The ownership is all legally correct and documented but could be a our worry at some stage, and also a worry when I found the roof was leaking and now the electrics are playing up - thank god she is in a nursing home! we go halves on repairs and luckily a very trustworthy friend came to the rescue.

My worry with the metal is that the surgeons won’t use a GA because of frailty and that because her skin is like wet tissue paper (surgeons description after first op) - her wound will heal them open up and this will be on going now. I have got to know some of MiLs neighbours and one had same surgery, same hospital, last week was going for 3rd corrective Op in 2 years. He is 20 years younger and walking, albeit with a slight limp. 🤞 for him.

We never get to speak to a doctor and don’t have PoA on health so feel a bit out of the loop. Not point asking MiL, she can’t hear and when she can the answers don’t make much sense. But she isn’t complaining of pain which is a relief.

I hope you get to the deli and take what you need for expenses etc. I discovered MiL gave generous petrol money to 2 sons when the visited, she always told us how poor one is, from what we have seen and heard since spending more time with him he can afford the petrol to visit his own mother once in a blue moon! He has more disposable income than she does. Although TBF he gives it to his grandchildren’s savings accounts. My parking fees at hospital over the years have been high so when offered I would take the money to pay on principal that all family should he treated equally.

over the years DH has helped MiL buy things, a new washing machine etc and she told me once that the other sons would notice and one wound then ask her for a loan! She has never been wealthy, far from it. Once DH neice asked MiL to ask him to be a guarantor for her rental, I told MiL under no circumstances. His niece had huge CC debts, and apart from anything else we hadn’t seen her for years. Families🤔

Actually, Tuc when we spoke to the accountant at the Social Work Dept of DM's local Council she ruled that setting money aside for funeral was not 'deprivation of assets'. We set aside £4k which was then the average cost of a funeral at that point. We didn't actually buy a funeral plan but put it in a savings account with the name, 'Funeral do not touch'. However, all Councils are not the same. I'd call your Council and ask to speak to the Finance Officer or Finance Admin in the Social Work team responsible for elderly. Then you can follow up with confirmation email so you have paper trail.

Tuc I think you'd get proper advice on the legal board.

They can't do anything themselves. Both have alzheimers and are in a care home.

I think it depends on the council. Some will try and argue it's deprivation of assets others ignore it so probably best to speak to your local Age UK office for local experience.

In terms of deprivation of assets, best ask on the legal board.
Can you pay a funeral in full upfront? Maybe try Co-op, see if they can advise?

I wouldn't want to do that using PofA though, are they capable of doing it themselves? I'd be worried about raising a red flag on the system doing that via LPA.

We'd like to put some of mum and dad's money aside for funeral costs but don't want a monthly plan type thing. We'd like to put a lump sum aside but are wary of deprivation of assets, or of the money just being taken for care fees when their money runs out. Any thoughts? We do have POA.

Myneedycat I understand. It's not petty or mercenary. Oddly enough, I just recently found out that mum pays my sister lunch money when she visits - my sister always gets a big lunch from the deli.

Until recently I just made do with whatever mum had in - but now mum lives on boiled veg, it's not possible.

Apparently I could have had lunch from the posh deli all this time! I told her today, I'm adding it to her bill (i do her supermarket order online and she pays me back because she won't have her card used online). Not sure how much to add.

This "I am old" trick doesn't wash now. my sister does almost nothing for mum.

ETA - in fact, I think I'll ring mum tomorrow and ask how much bill money is on offer. Before she conveniently forgets her offer.

What galls me is the that my mother doles out money to my sister and gives her presents. My sister sees her less than once a year for about three days. I do all the admin and hard yards. She never does anything for me or gives me anything. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that seems petty and mercenary but it does grate.

Mere I have no resilience left. Still lots of issues in my new build flat too. I've now got keys for some young lad (renter) because he can't miss any more work to let tradesmen in. I mentioned this to mum and she said "what does he care, he rents". No empathy for the disruption to his life. This is not my mother! This is someone else entirely. Poor lad, new town, giving keys to someone he doesn't know because he's missing shifts and the landlord is uncontactable apparently.

I'm so glad you said this "When I started looking after dad's finances, I told him I'd do it (adhering to boundaries regarding safety of capital, interest rates) only if I never had to discuss any of it with him. That was what made it possible."

This is what finished me off today. She sat me down and said there had been a crucial development in one of the legal problems. Literally nothing has changed but because she didn't understand a letter she got, she thought there was a crisis.

She was adamant that I must listen to her before I read the letter. I asked for it first of course, but she said I had to hear important context first.

She made zero sense and then I read the letter and just wept.

I cannot listen to her anymore.

So glad you’re feeling the warm fuzzys sent through t’internet @MereDintofPandiculation 🌺🌺

sean thank you, I feel bad ranting in the context of yours and others' problems.

I did take a huge step back but it now looks like I should run a mile.

June I have a friend whose leg was pinned together after he was hit by a car. The pins are coming out a few years later, I have said to him to ask the specialist if he's looking at a lifetime of regular ops. Sometimes they just don't tell you stuff, it's mad.

Btw June, it's not admin. My parents outright took on problems that will be left for me and my sister to deal with - legally we will have to take action when mum dies. Dad accused me of being lazy in not wanting to deal with it, as in theory there's potentially money in it.

Since dad died I've tried hard to persuade mum to quit before she makes a loss and potentially ends up in a legal hell - no luck. I would have handled all of it. Now I refuse.

It has also occurred to me to say to mum that I will not be visiting till she shows evidence of sorting it out. She will then weep and wail about how she can't do things like that but...I've only warned her, and dad, for seven years. It's really shocking when you think of it in time terms.

@EmmaEmerald I agree, good to be able to rant here and it sounds frustrating. Just basic financial PoA for MiL takes time and patience and a slight feeling that not being a blood relative I have to be really cautious.

thank you @BinaryDot I think perhaps nursing home overreacted but were not happy at being asked to wait a month to see a specialist about the second piece of metal coming out! Together with infection of course which can lead to really serious worries. DH visited again today and said MiL is so deaf it was impossible to have a two way conversation. She doesn’t know where she is, thinks she has been sent to a new nursing home and other usual confusion - but is not as distressed as we thought she would be which is our main concern. 🤞

@EmmaEmerald thank you for your honesty.
Think you should take a step back for the sake of your own health.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm sorry you both have more medicial complications to deal with - wishing you strength and treats.

@countrygirl99 I'm sorry they have been clumsy about your MiL - common sense should be their first consideration

@Juneday I hope your MiL recovers well - dealing with hospitals and admin makes it all more stressful

Shell &sandwich &Internally

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I really cannot speak about this IRL because people just do not understand.

I suspect my sister will be inclined to suggest a solicitor but a) they often make things worse and b) my mum doesn't understand my simple explanations, so she won't understand a solicitor and may run us into further problems, especially if she gives one authority to act on her behalf.

then again, if she loses money, she loses money, it's not my money.

something else I realised..if I keep crying about this stuff, she'll think I'm not in a fit state to advise anyway....though I was perfectly fine in 2017 when the trouble started.

when I said I was stepping back from mum's care, I said I'd still do finance. Perhaps I should now relinquish that too.