Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Pull out! It doesn't sound like you're ready and it will just be a load of hassle and unhappiness.

Could you tell her you're not going to take her if she isn't cooperating with treatment?

@WhatHaveIFound I'm going to stock on loo cleaning products for my next visit. It's possible that she's just run out and forgets to buy more given the rest of the house is OK. I know from February's mouse infestation that she doesn't necessarily click that something is a problem - she just shook the mouse poo out of a mug before going to make me a cup of tea! Took me and DS all afternoon to clean the kitchen cupboards and contents but the next day she'd forgotten it happened.

Completely understand this as my DC stopped using the bathroom at my parents house some time ago so we now stop at the motorway services on the way there & back instead. I wouldn't mind but DM has a cleaner. It's just that she doesn't clean in-between the 2 weekly visit.

I'm also having mum problems as I don't think she's been taking her gastric tablets. Her latest endoscopy showed a worsening of her oesophagitis and I know she was issued with 4 weeks of tablets which would have run out on Tuesday if she was taking the correct amount. I am angry that she shows so little regard for her health and that I'm expected to take her to all the hospital appointments this results in.

I need to have a difficult conversation with my mother. It's about toilet cleaning. Or rather lack of it. The rest of the house is OK but my the loo is, to use a mumsnet favourite word, grim. I checked the cupboard and there was no toilet cleaner , descaler or bleach and the loo brush has vanished (if she hadn't lost her tablet charging cable and then the replacement months ago I'd think she'dbeen on mumsnet loo brush threads! ). She's also still got her obsession with kitchen bin liners being hideously expensive but doesn't clean the bin after emptying it🤢.
Had a chat with DB2 about a GP appointment for her assessment as she's had somewhere between 1 and a few falls in the last couple if weeks. Apparently she told him she hadn't seen me for a few weeks - the day after I'd got her emergency cash, taken her for vaccinations and to the supermarket.
But she hasn't got dementia no, no. She can't understand why anyone would think that as her memory is fine and she doesn't need any help.

Thanks for the replies

funnel sorry you are feeling wrung out.

I operate on a basis of not taking major decisions while under stress. So on that basis and the fact you haven’t said the £10k loss would wipe you out financially, I would cancel the sale of your old flat, mothball your new one until you can face doing the necessary to rent it out and move as much as you can manage to the old one and get better.

I’m saying this from the perspective of someone that has an unexpected mid-week visit to my mum this week due to a suspected health issue. She’s ok and I only had to stay one night, but I still had a moment in the kitchen at lunchtime and am feeling a bit wrung out. Everything you are saying shouts that you want to go back. So go back. Your only loss is financial and if you can take that, then take it.

Emma, you need Path of Least Resistance
At work when things went really tits up, and we were panicking, this was like an emergency switch. The cry would go up, Path of Least Resistance’, and we would de-escalate and literally do the easiest thing to survive the moment.

No offence Shell but you sound like my mum with that statement of the obvious! 😂

Yes, I do have a lot on my plate and trying to figure out how to make it better.

Sorry, that's kind of what I meant.
I'm not blaming you but it sounds like you have a lot on your plate still.

I haven't been doing any caring unless you count online food shops

but you are right, I haven't recovered, I have existed and now I am getting worse.

Emma - you haven't recovered at all from your recent breakdown.
You really need a rest from your caring responsibilities.

thesandwich I think there might be a bit missing from your sentence?

There is no one to look after me, unless I go back to my old flat, where two neighbours will help shop and stuff. I also wouldn't have to change GP, I hadn't done that yet. Not that it matters much, the way GPs are!

Is the sale of your old flat? It sounds like you need to press the pause/ stop button.
is there somewhere you can go where someone can look after you?

Mum5net it's the new flat I'd rent out. Sorry, I probably wasn't clear.
I have hit the point where I can't recall if I've eaten or showered. This is the most ill I've ever been. I will not be in a fit state to do the admin for a rental for a while. Spring, maybe? I could no way deal with an agent or electrician or anything.

I'm literally thinking

1. pull out of sale

2. get bed delivered to old empty flat

3. pack bag

4. go to flat, lie in bed, recover.

Having a DC currently sofa surfing in London, any flat - whether it’s tiny or has tissue paper walls will be snapped up for rental. That’s absolutely in your favour. Electrical work will be a pain but get on to it tomorrow and into a queue and the relief you feel will be immense. The sooner you act, the sooner you will get back to a normality.

Find a letting agent that’s recommended and if you can afford, they can do all the checks. They will take the pain out of the arrangement but it’s perfectly possible you will have tenants with a couple of weeks so your income stream will kick in quickly.

Thanks

all she does at the moment is bang on about me wasting money, not hurrying up the sale...obviously I have stopped talking to her about it.

I could consider all the holidays she and dad went on as a total waste of money.

that's a real issue though, if she winds up in hospital again, I am simply exhausted, so either I don't visit or there'll be a lot of cab money spent.

And I'm sure mum will have another crisis - and I can't give that responsibility to anyone else.

You have so much on your plate. I'm sorry it's so stressful.

funnelfan "I will add a caveat - are you sure the homesickness you feel is for the old flat itself, or the life you were having when you were there, pre-breakdown?"

This is a good point and one I have considered.

I did feel broken hearted to leave the flat itself, and I think mum had her first major health thing in June.

From memory, I can say that between arriving here in mid April, and mum's incident in June, I sat down and cried for my old home at least three times. I still haven't unpacked properly. I didn't grieve the flat in June and July as I was too stressed with mum crap.

For me, the big factors now are soundproofing and size.

Also, there were two families responsible for anti social behaviour in the block I was in and I hear from the neighbours that one of them has moved, which is good.

A big factor as well as that legal processes might get worse. I last sold a property in 2020. It may be that it wasn't a high rise and the lease was straightforward, but that was so easy. What the hell happened inbetween?!

I am amazed at how much hassle this sale has been, but, barring any nasty surprises, my side of the legal paperwork is done.

Bloody buyer - I would have been prepping to leave tomorrow - literally was going to the bed shop - then he put a rocket up his solicitor. May not work though, as mysteriously there are more queries to satisfy on the mortgage side. Mortgage lenders will be asking to see how many jumping jacks you can do next.

This is useful to type out..if I go back, I have to see it as extremely long term or permanent. The moving process is now entirely mad.

@EmmaEmerald that's quite a load.

Sometimes moves are just wrong. But going back to a shitty area sounds potentially bad too.

From what you've written, you would be happier overall pulling out of the sale and going back to your previous flat.

A few days ago you said you weren't even going to consider how close you were to your mother in the future. Maybe that's shifted a bit. But was leaving your haven a contributor to your breakdown?

Is your new flat potentially saleable? Really hard to know in this market.

I will add a caveat - are you sure the homesickness you feel is for the old flat itself, or the life you were having when you were there, pre-breakdown? I would consider this carefully because if it is the latter, moving back may not give you the whole relief you think. But it still sounds worth it from the physical distance perspective.

Hi Emma. I think a lot depends on whether you can take the £10k hit. But from the details that you have said, and from the perspective of knowing how I would feel in that situation, I would move back to your old flat and see how you feel in six months. And take no irreversible decisions, if you can afford to keep both properties, until the spring at the earliest. I don’t know where you are geographically, but the rental market is generally a landlords market at the moment so if you can face getting the new flat rented out, that may relieve some of the financial pressure?

It sounds like the distance you will get from being in your old flat, as well as the comfort you will get from being in those surroundings, may help you heal.

Hi all

this might seem an odd question to ask here but I feel like you all know me best in terms of helping me get clarity

And you certainly know all the stress of elderly parents and how it warps your brain

To recap - i moved partly to be close to mum and save on the horrible train journey, having to spend nights there etc, and partly to escape an area that was turning to shit.

but sadly the new build property I've moved into is not good - loads of issues, of course the building ccompany is fulky legalky covered and I have tried and failed at dealing with them.

I am so completely broken I don't feel able to rent either of them out. But my original home needs about 3k electrical work before it can be rented out anyway.

I am very homesick for my old flat (but not the area which is a shithole). Plus, I'm in a smaller flat and now I can't use space at mum's, I'm really struggling, total cabin fever, and winter will be worse. I prefer not to go out in winter.

I can say up front that my choice - if I could face packing etc, would be to be pull out of the sale and go home for the winter at least.

But then I'm stuck with two properties, two sets of mgmt fees, the possibility that mum will produce another crisis etc etc.

Of course, my buyer is now - after five months - saying he can exchange "very soon".

I know if I sell up, I will be weeping for the home I should not have left. I've already done that a few times here. But I also stand to lose a lot of money - actual cash - if I keep them both.

Plus the relentlessly awful process that is now property sales - I'll have to do it all over again - on a high rise with a tripartite lease, that's £2k in legal fees this tome. No doubt the price will rise next time.

I don't know what to do. I know what decision makes me happy, but that decision will cost me at least £10k for a possible six months of feeling better? And I'm sure mum will have another crisis - and I can't give that responsibility to anyone else.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to make a worse mistake. In the new place, the soundproofing is so bad, it only takes next door to have a baby and I'll need to poke my eardrums out with a cocktail stick.

Any thoughts? Maybe in six months, I'll be sufficiently recovered to rent out the new flat? I had my breakdown in late July and still feel dreadful.

thanks for any thoughts.

@seanbeanmarryme sorry for your loss

Sorry to hear your news seanbeanmarryme and meredintofpanticulation