Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

I think Philippa Perry gives insightful advice. That line about the mother wanting in essence for history to repeat itself to feel better about her choices. That is the difference between MiL and DM. MiL cared for her mother then her DH, she moaned that her sister didn’t help care for their mother rather than seeing that neither had to / there were other choices because a nursing home was affordable etc. MiL said to me ‘that’s what family do’ basically take on the care role fully and I realised that she expected me to for her because I am the women and not working full time. She couldn’t say it out loud, but she did expect it - I know my DM knew a care home was best for her much older spinster sister who suffered depression and scared us all with an unsuccessful overdose attempt. MiL in nursing home now who have persuaded her to take anti depressants she likely should have been on for years, but it is because of her dementia she has given in to taking them. I think her life would have been so much fuller if she had taken anti depressants earlier, she shut herself away gradually because of all her fears and anxieties creating multiple reasons for not enjoying life, turning down holidays, invites from neighbours, stopped coming to my choir performances because 8 pm was late at night - 3 women in the choir were same age as her! Stopped coming for Sunday lunch once a month even though we offered lifts, because it didn’t suit her to eat after 1 pm. She fell out with her only friend who used to ring and met up with her. I don’t feel guilty, we tried and she always had a reason to say no, never a good reason. Now in the nursing home in lucid moments she is says she is lonely and no one likes her - but she is far less lonely than she has been for a long time. DH spends more time talking to her now than he has in years! Sadly she can’t hear him and her dementia of course leads to little in the way of proper conversation now. But I dint feel guilty, I think DH did for a while but he hardly offered an alternative and knew I was struggling with the burden I didn’t want. It’s a different relationship than it will be with my own DP, but they have friends now in care homes and are fairly practical and happy and able to pay for help. Although DF keeps saying, come and visit! I feel a tad guilty we don’t visit as often as I think they would like but they are busy and sociable atm. 🤞.

DF’s death was referred to the coroner but we were able to have the funeral quite quickly. I think it was less than three weeks. It was mid pandemic and a lot of things were done over the phone rather than in person which may actually have speeded things up.

Thanks for sharing that. I am not sure I agree with the response though.

There was a very interesting advice column by Phillipa Perry this morning in the Guardian. A situation that has lots of relevance to many of us who frequent the cockroach cafe. Phillipa’s advice was that you’re going to either feel guilty or resentment, so embrace the guilt and learn to live with it.

i would have gone further, especially bearing in mind Emma’s current situation - resentment being the least worst alternative to guilt. It’s often a lot worse than mere “resentment”. Interesting range of comments, many from whom obviously “get it”.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/22/ask-philippa-perry-my-mums-depression-drags-me-down-i-feel-i-need-to-stay-away

It varies from area to area but when my aunt's death was referred to the coroner it was six weeks before we could hold her funeral.

Unfortunately the gp referred Mum's death to the coroner so we haven't been able to register her death yet which also means no funeral date yet.
Death was referred due the falls she had in her final weeks. Does anyone have any experience of this, wondering how long we will have to wait?

Mum has brief spells of lucidity in hospital so I fully get your excitement! She still can't walk or sit unaided. Two weeks ago we thought she was on her way out, refusing to eat, drink or take medication. Last week she had some kind of infection, her temperature was spiking and she was sick so they gave her antibiotics and all her medication in liquid form. By the end of the week she was making jokes, laughing, playing the fool and talking sensibly. A different person. That has continued this week. She was telling me that she feels well enough to go home. 😱 She's immobile, doubly incontinent and has cognitive impairment. I said nothing but if social services hear that, I can imagine what'll happen. Anyway, no point in worrying about it just now.

Welcome @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

‘Golden time’ is what my DSis and I called that @MereDintofPandiculation. My DM did this once every couple of years. Just a tiny window of lucidity when she would ask about my DMil and knew who we all were. It made everything seem better for a while. Lovely for you and him.

Crikey @MereDintofPandiculation that sounds a huge turn around.

@MereDintofPandiculation maybe. Mind you I've got 2 teenage boys so if I didn't clean it, our bathroom would smell like that too!! 🤣

Been lurking quite a while but I decided it was time to join in.
My mum had a massive stroke in 2020, wasn't expected to pull through but she did - paralysed, without speech and catheterised, she is still at home with my dad and the customary carer visits. I'm an only so all the support falls to me although I'm much better off than many of you heroes on here. I think I'd have a meltdown if I had to live with them. I go in pretty much every day for at least an hour and spend one full day a week to give dad a break.
really excited as DD13 abd I are off to Venice for 4 days on Monday. It's the first time she's flown since 2019 abd she's very excited indeed, I only told her yesterday.
really looking forward to a break from it all. And the phone ringing...

It's been a hard week. Work has been mega busy, I've had parents evening, 6 ton of washing to do and my sister has been away. I know my nan thinks that we are not doing enough but I can't make more hours in the day. I've been in to her every other day and my neice went in once aswell. I've thought about maybe increasing the carers to evenings too but, tbh, she doesn't let them do anything except make her bed and porridge every morning so would it be worth it.. I know she is lonely but I don't physically feel I can go and just sit there with her listening to the stories of her health and medications anymore than I do. She lives in a development for over 60's with a social room but she won't join in with anything they do anymore - she did used to. I guess she is 98 and I should just let her moan on and on but it is draining it actually gives me a physical pain in my head. Sorry for the moan - just wanted to offload. I know it could be much worse and that some of you are in much worse situations. Wishing everyone a peaceful and stress free weekend!!

Same with the bathroom at my nans. The rest of the house is fine (if rather cluttered) but the bathroom smells. I always put bleach down the toilet when I visit but it smells quite strongly. I will have to bite the bullet and clean it but I'm not relishing the thought...

Hadn't thought of that. Good idea.

Ahhh! Under the rim block thing?

@thesandwich the cistern is built in behind cladding and I'm not sure how to get to it with dismantling the whole wall. Mum never liked seeing cisterns. Now I'm facing this issue I'm determined never to buy a house with a hidden cistern.

@countrygirl would any of those things you put in the loo cistern work?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bloo-Cistern-Blocks-Blue-Water/dp/B00H520D7G/ref=asc_df_B00H520D7G/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=499374876221&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=18131777827768468584&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007103&hvtargid=pla-1269509558362&psc=1&th=1&psc=1
apologies for the long link!

@WhatHaveIFound that's the plan, just need to work out how to sneak in bleach etc😆. The bathroom cupboardwhere cleaning stuff is normally kept was bare so I couldn't do a sneak clean this time. I know if I say anything she will be puzzled how it got that bad because she will be convinced she cleans it regularly. I do suspect she has run out, forgotten to buy more because she doesn't keep a list to update as things run out but decides what to buy in the shop. She will look in the cupboard and think I'll skip this week must buy next Tuesday, forget well before Tuesday. And so on forgetting that she skipped last week and several weeks before. If I do a sneak clean and leave stuff in the cupboard we may possibly get back to normal. Kitchen and living room were fine.

@countrygirl99 I deep cleaned my mum's kitchen last time she in hospital overnight and stealth clean most times I visit. She always tells me not to bother and that the cleaner will do it but I can't stand the mess.

@TheShellBeach that's probably worth a try though I know I'll feel guilty that she has no one else.