Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

@4catsaremylife we used to have chickens at work - each one had their own personality, they were so funny x

I reached a big milestone birthday in Spring and really struggled with it. I'm better now I've made peace with it and also I decided to do something I have wanted to do for over a decade.
I am now the proud keeper of 4 chickens and they bring me such joy.
When I have had a busy day at work and running around after my dad, I go and say hi to the girls who are always happy to see me and their funny antics make life easier, and hopefully we will soon be getting some eggs too!
Sometimes you have to be kind yourself

Mere on cognitive decline, none that I can see. I just haven't cooked for her before so I guess I didn't know.

June she complains about many things I sort out so no, I don't think so.

No rails but it can be lowered down so she can get in and out herself. She would never normally go to bed this early but I persuaded her to just this once. They also brought a proper pressure cushion for her chair so hope that will make a difference. Sis is back from holiday tomorrow and promised me the weekend off 😉

Oh right, so safety rails etc?

Mere "You knew you were going to get better, though"

actually, I didn't know, we had to watch out for signs of paralysis setting in for weeks. I still find it hard to talk about. I posted a lot on here about advance directives after the accident.

I thought I'd stopped having nightmares about it but had one in March, I think.

ironically, I'd think the fact you might not know if you will get better will mean more forward planning and more gratitude. I think the more pertinent point is maybe I've never cared about stuff like that? I have known people who genuinely got angry with husbands etc for things like crumbs in the butter, stacking the dishwasher "wrong". I can't really fathom being angry about that.

mum will get better in the care home I think, because the daily chores and the big house wear her out.

@MereDintofPandiculation

She did not look impressed!! How do cats manage to do that?!

She was placated with cat-acceptable food in the form of tuna!! 😀

UPDATE
The hospital bed has arrived. I've made it up and put her in it! Hopefully she will get a few hours sleep.

Shirts not short

@EmmaEmerald she is a force and in many ways you have to admire her… but the cost is others. So hard for you, whilst there is clearly decent help available she feels uncomfortble for whatever reason preferring family.

I can’t cope with clearing up when my cat is sick so dealing with soiled bedlinen for MiL was harder for me than doing a bungee jump! But MiL did it for her mother and husband no complaints, she grew up believing caring was women’s work.

I hope your GP is supportive, if there was more joined up thinking with NHS and SS, maybe you would get more support externally. It doesn’t matter how old we are, parents can bring us to tears …. I am sure others have said, but friends and I call it loosing their filter…. The brain goes into self survive almost toddler mode and empathy diminishes
with it. In a bizarre way it is because she trusts you that you get the demands.

I used to have this joke when DH and I both working full time similar jobs, if I didn’t learn to iron his thick cotton shorts, or did an awful
job when I tried, he would just do them himself. But where your mother can’t ‘iron her shirts’ anymore, she trusts you more than anyone to do it for her. She has to learn to trust others now. 🤞🤞🤞

hairbrush I'm sorry if this is triggering.

mum is lovely but I hadn't realised we'd end up in territory where my housekeeping wasn't good enough. I'd have expected that from dad but not her.

She's had three friends tell her the care home is the best option for everyone, including her. They're in their 70s and 80s.

I understand the reasons why it's not the best option from her perspective but can no longer facilitate the arrangements she wants in her home.

there's one friend who might be willing to give it another try. She's very concerned about the practicalities - if it's home carers, they will call us for everything but if she stays in the care home, they will probably let me know if she falls but I will know there's a team there 24/7 and not just one person who has to go home.

And please remember your life and your sisters life are as important as your dms.

@EmmaEmerald is there anyone your dm would listen to? Friend, relative who could explain her choices- carers or care home? You and your sister sound completely burnt out.

@MereDintofPandiculation I’ve brought ginger nuts.

This reminds me of my auntie quite a few years ago who came to stay for a short holiday. At the time both DH and I were at work so we would call on the phone to check she was okay - one day she asked what could she feed the cat as she kept miaowing. I said there were biscuits in the cupboard that she could feed her and one of us would be home soon.
When I arrived home she had indeed fed the cat - biscuits of the rich tea and digestive variety all crumbled up!!! 😅

@EmmaEmerald I haven't listened to the song but the words really got to me. I find it hard to read your posts because our situations sound so similar. Whereas when we had visitors I would pass around a tin of biscuits she would want me to put them out nicely on a plate. When she had an op on her wrist I remember her standing over me telling how to make a trifle. There was never any justification for cutting corners.

@Nodancingshoes I hear what you are saying about not speaking to your children. I had the same with my teen daughter and husband. The guilt and the feeling you are not meeting the needs of anyone, least of all yourself.

PS of course your DC need to come first. I think mum's really struck lucky having two childfree daughters, we'd not have the time we have to help with anything.

Nodancingshoes my resentment over the last few weeks has built to the point I don't want to do anything really. I think I started a thread about the frustration of the "can you just..." requests.

I'm still fine to do finance and medical and I don't mind washing her hair. I tuck her into bed when I stay over. I did that every night in the care home after her stroke in November. My goodwill has run out though.

when I had a major injury, I was so grateful to people helping with the chores, I can't fathom saying "you've stacked the dishwasher wrong".

she can afford tons of help but the difference with the care home is a team of people.

@EmmaEmerald
You are absolutely right. If your mum has the money then she MUST use some to get the help she needs - cleaning, meals on wheels etc... After this you would be happy to visit and do bits and pieces for her. It's just not fair to expect family to take on all of the care alone.
For example, my nan wants her hair washed. The carer offers to do this every morning but she always says no because she wants ME to do it. I'm not going to.
I just realised that I've barely spoken to my kids all day today (they are teens so I havnt abandoned them!) I've been at work, then round to nans house and straight on the phone when I got home ABOUT nan. I love her but my kids need to come first.

This is obviously a relationship song but it sums up how I feel about mum atm

June I've gone round in a circle. Initially I thought it was best but then I see how awful it can be eg the woman in the room opposite cries loudly all day. The condition some of the residents are in, poor souls.

Then I think if mum would follow instructions, she could stay at home. But when she's even going to want input into what toilet roll I buy, it's such a pain.

In terms of bringing her things, no, it's only a week today since I had my nervous breakdown, if that's what it was. She's meant to be in for four weeks, it would only be if she agreed to a permanent stay that she'd need bits and bobs.

Before mum went into the home, she said "why did you move home to be close to me if you aren't prepared to help?"

I thought help meant help. I didn't think it meant running her life and household, to her ways and to her standards. I thought with the current broken wrist, she'd get domestic help in, but no. If two falls in four days plus a fractured wrist isn't enough to get help in, she will continue to rely on me and neighbours.

In terms of her standards, she will tell you to stir rice soooo carefully in case you break a grain, it's an impressive standard I guess but not one I hold.

So I'm due to visit on Sunday, then taking her to a hospital appt on Wednesday. If she presses to go to the appointment alone, I will agree, as I think maybe going to the hospital alone might make her realise the truth of her frailty.

@EmmaEmerald it is good to have others, especially sister agree it is best. It is hard and my DH was most reluctant with his DM. MiL cries when we see her and always says she wants to go home and then we gently remind her she couldn’t cope and the only visitors were the Carers who barely engaged and is who would be busy with shopping and washing. Now we sit and chat. Seriously DH hasn’t spoken to her this much since he was about 12😁. . Now she has a favourite nurse and carer and other residents - including the one she insists is her son in disguise😮. She . Were you able to take favourite photos and painting etc from home
for your mother?

I think there will always be little doubts creeping in. My aunt ‘escaped’ from her home as they hadn’t realised how mobile she was - my mother said try the charity shops and there she was - that was what she missed most, her trips to the local charity shops. 🙁

Nodancingshoes MissMarplesNiece
I wonder if this just happens to some people with age, from the stories I hear. I can certainly understand why falling would leave someone upset and shaken up but people can't drop everything.

Update from here

Went to see mum at weekend, yes that was much earlier than I planned. She was apologetic but determined to go home when respite is over. Said arrangements would have nothing to do with me.

Then yesterday had phone call saying, could I come in with my mobile so we can make calls together, two of which were unnecessary anyway. So of course she is not going to organise care without involving me!

Have since spoken to sister who wants mum to stay in care home. She appreciates that mum is technically well enough to remain in her own home but feels mum will send us mad if she isn't in a care home.

I was surprised. I thought my sister was worried about cost and house sale but it seems not. Sister also wants to step back.

It's just a problem everyone wants to be sorted. I realise the home is horrible for mum in many ways. I was in tears on Saturday thinking I didn't want her to be left there but now my sister wants to step back, I want to step back, so ...not sure what happens next.

Much to my surprise, friends in mum's age group have said to her and me, that it's right for her to be in a care home. I think the frailty is maybe more obvious to others than I realised.

I think my sister is going before I go on Sunday, and will tell mum that her preference is for her to stay. So I imagine there will be a lot of doom and gloom. Atm mum is doing the activities etc but I think that's just to avoid being bored. Though she complains of boredom at home too.

@Nodancingshoes I have this with my DM - there are other people in the house with her but she behaves in the same way when I go to leave or if I don't visit every couple of days. It's very difficult. I have to harden my heart & just go, but then I feel so guilty, even though I suspect my DM knows how guilty I feel and plays on that.